Right On Time

Yesterday I was feeling a bit blue. I imagine that that's to be expected.

But God...

God always gives me just what I need, right when I need it.

In the middle of my "blue-ness" the phone rang. It was "Joe". Calls from "Joe" immediately put a smile on my face. Throughout this whole experience with my Mom he has been everything to me, here on Earth. My encourager. My supporter. My shoulder to cry on. The one who so naturally makes me laugh. My comforter. My rock. Yes, aside from God, he has been my everything.

So we're talking on the phone and next thing I know, he walks in the door. I didn't even realize that I'd left it unlocked. My smile then became an ear-to-ear grin. I was "cheese'in". So so happy to see him.

He hands me the guest book from my Mom's service (I accidentally left it in his car), and a small little round container. Told me that the container was for me. So I opened it.

Inside were a pretty pair of brown earrings, with a matching ring. WHAT?!?

He said, "I remembered that you said brown was one of your favorite colors and I saw these and wanted to get them for you."

Awww. Be still my heart. No...don't be still, then I'd be dead...and I wanna enjoy this for a while.

As if I didn't already love this dude...

I put the earrings on. Pretty.

I put the ring on and although it too is very pretty, it's a bit big, so I'll need to have it re-sized. Funny how a "big girl" like me has dainty little fingers.

I gotta tell ya...I have no idea how much the earrings and ring cost, and none of that even matters. What matters is that "Joe" got me something that I will cherish forever.

He's always surprising me. Not so much with material things, but simply in the things that he does. Ways that he shows his love for me. Ways that I don't expect, but ways that I completely appreciate. I wonder what he'll think of next. Hmmm...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the best surprise that YOU'VE received recently.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Knowing vs. Feeling

I watch a lot of movies and I often hear lines in those movies that resonate with me. In addition to entertainment, I'm always watching for a message.

Yesterday as I was watching The Giver, I heard this line and it really hit home with me:

"Knowing what something is is not the same as knowing how something feels."

I was immediately taken to thoughts of my Mom. Before she passed away earlier this month (11/09), I had often expressed my condolences to others over the loss of their loved ones. I realize now that although I KNEW that losing a loved one was an unfortunate experience, it wasn't until my own mother left this earth that I realized how losing someone so close actually FEELS.

It hurts.

Really hurts.

So often I find my thoughts wandering to the last conversation that I had with my Mom. And the conversation before that. I wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Who has she met? Who has she reunited with? WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY?

So many thoughts.

There's just this emptiness now.

Ironically, my mother and I weren't super-close, yet she was still my mother, and anytime she needed me I was there at the drop of a dime.

Even during her hospital stay there were times when she and I would bump heads. Yes, my mother was a feisty one. Ask anyone who knew her and they'll tell you that.

I often wish I had some of her feistiness. I'm too soft. I let too much stuff go. I let folks get away with way to much. I hem and haw around what I'm really thinking for fear of hurting folks' feelings. My mom was the complete opposite.

Yet even with our differences, we share one commonality. She was MISUNDERSTOOD and so am I. Interesting, ain't it? Folks never "got" her and they don't "get" me either.

Another thing that I've discovered now that I know how it FEELS to have my Mom no longer here, is that pictures of folks with their Moms seem to pop up EVERYWHERE now. It's kinda like when you buy a new car. Before you bought the car you rarely noticed them on the road. Now that you have one, it seems that EVERYONE is driving the same car. That's how this is, although opposite. Now that MY Mom is no longer here, it seems that everyone else's Mom IS. Ouch!

So yeah...this is an experience that I KNEW about, but until it actually happened to ME, I didn't fully understand how it FEELS. Now, sadly, I do.

Even in the sadness though, I still rejoice in knowing that my Mom is in Heaven and no longer in pain. No longer worrying about bills. No longer worrying about anything. She has joy, unspeakable joy. And for that, I am glad.

Until I meet with her again I will continue to send up prayers. I no longer pray FOR her, because she doesn't NEED prayers anymore. Prayers are for this life on Earth. But I do ask God to give her extra hugs. Not necessarily from ME, because I don't think she'll remember me until I actually get there myself. And no...she's NOT "looking down" on me or anybody else because that wouldn't be Heaven if she (or any of our loved ones) were looking back here. I mean think about it...with all of the sadness, anger, evil, and horrible things that go on here, WHY would God allow anyone to "look back" at it? Where is the joy in that? There isn't any. So I'm ok with knowing that my Mom is NOT "looking back" or "watching over me". She is living her eternal life, and loving every moment.

On the flip side though, I do believe that I have angels watching over me. They were here from the day I was born, and will continue to be until the day I am called Home. I have no idea who they are, and I don't think I'm supposed to know. I just know that they exist, and THEY "watch over me."

Now...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Name an experience that you "knew" about, but didn't fully understand until it actually happened to you.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

The First of The "Firsts"

So today is Thanksgiving and I can say that I've made it through.

I wasn't sure how things were gonna go, but they went, and I'm ok.

For those who don't know...my Mom passed away 18 DAYS AGO, so this was my first Thanksgiving without her.

Everyone who's lost a close loved-one has told me that the "Year of Firsts" will be difficult.

For me they will be in this order:
Thanksgiving
Mom's Birthday
Christmas
Easter
Mother's Day
My Birthday

One down, five to go.

For the most part, pretty much everything felt the same today. We'd stopped gathering as a big family years ago, so I'd usually stop by in the evening for a bit. Wouldn't even eat dinner because I would've already eaten earlier. The visit was merely to stop by and hang out. That's what I did today. Primarily to check on my Dad & brothers to see how they were holding up. Everything was pretty much as it had always been. The only differences were that my Mom didn't come out of her room as she used to do when I'd arrive, and her physical presence was now in the form of ashes in a box, still packaged in a plastic bag with the mortuary's name on it.

That was a bit difficult to process. Knowing that all of my Mom in the PHYSICAL sense now fit into a box sitting on the coffee table. It's kind of ironic when I think about it. In life, my mother NEVER fit into a box...meaning society's box. She always beat to her own drum and was one of the most unique people I knew. Now...she fits into a box about 2 feet by 3 feet, if even that big.

Thankfully, I know that her spirit is no where near that box. Her spirit is eternally in Heaven with our Lord Jesus. And in that I find complete peace and comfort.

What will we do with her ashes? Who knows.

I think my Dad wants to put them in a nice urn. I'd love to sail out to sea and scatter them. Perhaps I'm being selfish in my suggestion because if the ashes were MINE, I'd most definitely want to be sprinkled in my favorite place...the ocean.

He needs time though and that's understandable. He feels the need to hold on to the ashes as a means of holding on to her. I get that. We all process death differently, so he's free to do what he pleases with her ashes if they bring him comfort.

So folks...there you have it.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you had a loved one cremated, and if so, what did you do with the ashes?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Gone HOME!

Yesterday we said our public goodbyes to my Mom who passed away 14 days ago. I warn you now that many of my future posts will be about my mother. Partly because there's just so much to remember, and partly because writing about her is extremely therapeutic.

I gotta tell ya...planning a homegoing service is HARD WORK. I've attended many, but have never planned one. My goodness!!!

Oh, and for those who don't know...a homegoing service is what most folks call a funeral. In the Christian faith however, we believe that when another believer in Christ dies, their body may die (or sleep), but their SOUL goes HOME to be with the Lord. Hence the term...Homegoing. And we CELEBRATE life with singing and hand-clapping and sharing, and of course with a Word from God. We rejoice because we have HOPE that we will see our loved ones again, and dwell eternally in the presence of the Lord once it is OUR time to be called.

We don't believe in being sorrowful and mournful, somber and gloomy. No...that's what funerals are for. You can miss me on that funeral stuff.

But...back to the homegoing...

There's so much to be done.
Where will the service be held?
Who will create the program for the service? Meaning, what will be DONE at the service, and who will write all of that up and create a printed Funeral Program to memorialize the individual?
Flowers. Who will get them , and from where?
Music?
The Repast. Where will it take place?

And so much more.

It's overwhelming to say the least. Oh, and to plan all of this while working a full time job every day. Yeah...so that meant that the planning didn't even take place until after the workday was done. Who has anything left after a workday? I certainly don't. Or didn't. And that is when I knew that I simply was no longer operating in my OWN strength, but by the strength that God was pouring into me.

Yesterday though, all of the hard work paid off and my Mom's service was lovely. It wasn't "over the top" as some services that I've attended have been. It was fitting, and just as my Mom would have wanted. Family and friends gathered together. She always loved having family and friends gathered together. Thinking about that at this very moment makes me cry. Anytime I think about the things that she liked, I begin to cry.

They're never tears of sadness, because I am absolutely ecstatic over the fact that she is no longer in pain. She is COMPLETELY HEALED.

I cry because of the memories. "Memorial Tears" I imagine I will call them, that are triggered by little things that pop into my mind every now and then.

I didn't shed too many tears yesterday, although I did shed a few. For the most part my day was filled with laughter and joy as I was surrounded by those I love, those who love me, and those who loved my Mom.

All in all...yesterday was a good day.

Let the Dialogue begin: What was the most memorable homegoing service you've ever attended?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Right on Time

Today was a good day.

Even though tears were shed, as they will continue to be for who knows how long, it was still a good day.

I spent some much needed time with my friend "Joe" who simply let me lay my head on his shoulder while he held me. There is something so powerfully poignant in being held. As we lay there in stillness, one tear trickled down my face, which led to another, and then another, and ultimately what "Joe" called "A shower of tears". Cleansing tears are what they were. Tears that I'd been holding in in my efforts to "stay strong". Tears that could no longer be fought back. Tears that won.

As "Joe" consoled me he began to sing a song. I love hearing him sing.

This was a song I'd never heard before. He was surprised and told me that I had to have it...right now.

So we downloaded it, and listened to it over and over.

It couldn't have been more timely. As I was preparing to go through the pics of my Mom so that I can work on her obituary, I knew that the task at hand would be quite daunting, and emotional to say the least. Yet I must remain steadfast to the fact that God is preparing me for something I can not handle.

He's keeping me as each day passes. I miss my Mom. I will always miss my Mom. But one thing I don't ever have to do again is pray for her. Not a single prayer will I ever have to utter on my Mom's behalf. And in that, there is a praise. She now dwells with THE Prayer Answerer. She now dwells with the Almighty God. And she is safe, loved, and experiencing exceeding joy. I am so happy for my Mom I can hardly stand it. And one day...I WILL see her again. "Joe" assured me of that today. Of course, I already knew it, but as he wiped the tears from my face, he too let me know that I WILL see her again.

Thank you Lord for preparing me for something that I can not handle. Because You love me, and You care for me.

Let the Dialogue begin: Is there a certain song that gets YOU through difficult times?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Missed Calls

Last night, after a typically exhausting day, I crawled into bed at around 10:00.

My phone rang at 11:25. Didn't hear it.
It rang again at 11:27. Didn't hear it.
Another ring at 11:28. Heard it, but missed the call.

I looked at the display and saw that it was my dad calling. He NEVER calls this late, nor this many times. Before I dialed back I already knew why he was calling.

My Mom was gone. Passed away. Transitioned. No longer living life here on Earth.

I got my clothes on and headed over to "the facility". That's all that I can really bring myself to call it. Just, "the facility".

I cried a bit on the drive over, and completely fell apart when I walked into her room and saw her lying there, neatly tucked in as if she were ready for bed. Eyes closed. Sound asleep. No longer breathing.

I had no idea when I sat by her bed just 7 hours earlier that that would be the LAST time I would see my mother alive. She was resting peacefully and I didn't want to disturb her. So I did what I'd done numerous times since that life-changing day on September 17th. I sat and watched. Watched her body sometimes twitch uncontrollably. Watched her mouth move as she heavily engaged in conversation somewhere in the place where sleep had taken her. Watched her eyes as they sometimes rolled farther back in her head than I thought was normal. I softly let her know that I was there and depending on how far in she was, she'd either acknowledge me, or she wouldn't. Yesterday, she didn't. So I let her rest.

After a while I gathered my things and told her I loved her. It didn't really matter if she heard me or not. She'd heard me say it many times before and without a doubt I knew that she knew I meant it.

As my dad, my brothers, and I sat and discussed what was "next", I was tasked to call the mortuary. Me! What do I know about calling mortuary's? Nothing. Not a dag gon thing!

But I did it and eventually they arrived. Well, one man arrived.

I stood by the doorway and watched as he snuggly wrapped my Mom up in her sheets, then strapped her to the gurny thingy. Covered her up from head to toe, and wheeled her away.

That was the last that I will ever see of my mother her on Earth.

Needless to say, it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. One minute I'm completely fine. The next, I have tears rolling down my face from out of nowhere. I'm sure that this will be pretty common for who knows how long. One thing is certain...I WILL see my mother again. And until that time I will simply rejoice in the fact that she is in the presence of the Lord. In the presence of the Lord! HALLELUJAH!!!

We can Dialogue if you want to but it seems that not too many folks actually talk to me here in "The Den". It's a bit heartbreaking at times, yet nevertheless...I write.

Let the Dialogue begin: Has YOUR mother already left her life here on Earth? If so, how are you holding up?

Talk to me...PLEASE!

Til next time...

Little Things

Tonight I had yet another very bittersweet visit with my Mom.

Bitter because it greatly pains me to see her in the condition that she is in.

Sweet because I saw her smile and watched her eyes light up. There isn't enough money in the world that can equate to the joy that came from that moment.

As I sat by her bedside this evening, she cried. Cried over things that aren't real. Cried over things that are. And she wouldn't eat, nor drink. She just wanted to "be". I tried my best to honor her requests, yet at the same time, I know that she needs to eat. And with perfect timing, in walked the dietitian. He also knows how important it is for her to eat so he started asking about things that she might like to have. Everything was a no until he mentioned ice cream. She perked up and said, "Yes. I would like sherbert." I told him that she loves rainbow and he told us that he'd be right back. Really? They've got sherbert?

Moments later, Louie walked in with a small bowl full of rainbow sherbert. My mom was like a kid on Christmas morning.

I asked if she wanted me to help her. She said, "No. I can do it."

As weak and fragile as she is, she still insists on doing as much as she can, by herself. She says she doesn't want to bother anybody. That always makes me a bit teary. In her condition we should all be doing as much as we can to help her. She's not a bother in the least. She is my mother.

I sat by her bed and watched her savor each bite. At times she would veer off into conversation and when I could see her getting sad I would remind her, "Keep eating your sherbert before it melts." In that instant the sadness would disappear and she would return to her "joy in a bowl."

The time came for me to leave, I told her that I love her and headed back to my car...determined not to cry. If I had let ONE tear fall I'm not sure that I would've been able to stop the rest.

One thing I did do though was thank God for yet another one of those "little things" that mean so very much. A bowl of rainbow sherbert will never be the same for me. From this day forward, it will always taste sweeter, and I will savor each spoonful just as my beautifully brave mother savored hers.

I may have made it to my car without shedding a tear, but I didn't make it through this post.

Let the Dialogue begin: What "little thing" are YOU thankful for today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

My Month in Review

Wow! It's been a month since I was last here.

So much has gone on and it is only by God's grace that I am getting through each day.

I'll do a "month in review" to try to catch you up. Fasten your seatbelts...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

BREATHE.

Ok. So my mom had a heart attack and stroke on September 17th at which time she was hospitalized. On September 25th she had her leg amputated. On October 18th she was transferred to a rehab facility (which I hated). And on October 28th she went back into the hospital. Today, she was released and sent back to the facility where she is now in hospice care.

BREATHE.


I'd been unemployed (as in NO INCOME coming in) since August 12th and scrambled to find a new job. I was finally offered a position (which I accepted) on the 24th of September, and later that same day I received a call from a company that I've always wanted to work for and they're now interested in interviewing me. But because I had already accepted an offer with "Company A" I didn't go through with an interview with "Company B". I now regret that decision.

BREATHE.

What else?

My oldest daughter was in a car accident this past Saturday, and although SHE is ok (Praise God!) the car was not and ended up being totaled.

BREATHE.

And...we have a family member who was recently found in an alley, dead from a fatal gunshot.

BREATHE.

Yeah. So that's pretty much my month in review. I'm sure that there's plenty that I'm leaving out, but right now...at this very moment...I'm just tired...so very tired.

BREATHE.

So I'll finish with this request: For those who pray in the name of Jesus...please keep my family in your prayers...most especially...my Mom.

Let the Dialogue begin: What's the BEST thing that has happened to YOU in the past month?

Talk to me!

Til next time...