Three things kept me from leaving -- my kiddos. If it weren't for them, I'd be OUT. They'd be the only ones who'd miss me. They are the only ones I matter to. So THEY were my only reasons for staying.
I'm tired. Tired of being hurt by people who "say" they love me, when their actions prove the very opposite. So very tired. Emotionally and Mentally EXHAUSTED.
Instead of getting in my car and driving off, I reached out to a friend...although "friend" is an understatement. She's so much more than that. I called, and she let me pour my heart out (or at least as much of it as I could during my short 45 minute lunch break). With her, I knew that my words would be HEARD and received WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
Before I got to say anything, she assured me that to HER, I matter. And if I were to "go away," SHE would be affected. She let me know that to HER, I have VALUE.
I almost cried after hearing those words, but I composed myself enough to tell her how I've been feeling.
I told her about "Joe" and how much his absence has negatively affected me in numerous ways.
I told her about my former "best friend" of 38 years who chose "friendship" with someone I used to date and LOVE, over her "friendship" with me.
I told her about my dad and how he's been hospitalized since November. NOVEMBER!
I could have told her so much more...but there's only so much one can say in 45 minutes.
She said many things to me that made complete sense and helped me to better understand this "lost" space that I'm in right now, but there was one very profound thing that she said which really hit home.
She told me that any ONE of those things would be a lot for an individual to handle. To handle all three at once, is OVERWHELMING for anybody. Then she said, "And with all that, you haven't even had a chance to mourn the loss of your mother." BINGO!!! At that moment, it was as if a veil had been removed and I could finally see.
She was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
On September 17th, 2014, my Mom was hospitalized. Eight days later she had a major amputation, was unconscious for days after that. Regained consciousness, had to learn how to do even the simplest things like swallow, was transferred to another hospital, and finally to a rehabilitation center where she was under hospice care until she finally took her last breath on November 9th, 2014.
In the middle of all this, on October 27th 2014, I started a new job. Four days into my new job I had to take an extended lunch to attend the "family meeting" at the hospital to discuss the next steps in my Mom's care. Basically, we were made aware of the fact that she wouldn't be with us much longer. After that meeting, I got in my car, and cried all the way back to my new job. Ten days later, my Mom's earthly life ended, late that Sunday night. I took the following day off -- that was a Monday, and was back at work on Tuesday. I worked everyday until the Friday before her Memorial service on November 22nd. No where in between did I have TIME to grieve the loss of my mother. My days were filled with learning my new job from 8-5, and planning my Mom's service after 5:00. Her service was on a Saturday and I was back at work on Monday. There was no "Bereavement Leave" for me.
Since my Mom's passing, my Dad's health has declined considerably. So in making sure that he is okay, again, there's been no time to really process the loss of my Mom. Then "Joe" left, and shortly thereafter,"former best friend" kicked me to the curb. It's just been blow after blow to the point that I don't feel I have any air left.
So I guess my wanting to just hop in the car and drive away, is a way of getting the TIME I need to process all of these things. Getting to a place where I can just SHUT DOWN for a week, or month, or longer...and get my bearings. At this point, all I know is that it's just too much.
Somethin's gotta give, because I am about to break.
I probably need to see a therapist, just so that I can get all of this off my chest on a regular basis. I know that I have friends who would be willing to listen, but after a while my issues will get old, and all of a sudden my calls will stop being answered, or my texts ignored. I wouldn't want to risk valuable friendships over my "issues."
I used to have an excellent therapist. She was a fellow believer in Christ which gave me a lot of comfort. I knew that her advice would'nt be some "New Age" mumbo jumbo, but that it would always come from a place of biblical foundations. At the end of our sessions, she always prayed for me. Then her daughter was due to have twins soon and off my therapist went, up north, to be closer to the family. I couldn't blame her, but I sure hated to see her go. Finding a new therapist who "gets me" the way that she did won't be easy, but perhaps I should begin a new search.
So there you have it. I am broken by all of the hurt I've had to endure over these past 17 months. All in the form of ABSENCE, one way or another. My Mom's is an EARTHLY absence. "Joe's" is an EMOTIONAL absence. The "former friend" is a SISTERLY absence in a way, because we were THAT CLOSE...or so I thought. Although my Dad is present, his FORMER SELF is absent.
As for me...I seem to lose a bit of myself with each day. Losing who I used to be -- not really sure about who I'm becoming.
I imagine that I'm a lot stronger that I've ever given myself credit for, because most folks would have crumbled by now. Although I haven't completely crumbled, I am broken...but as the picture says, "Broken crayons still color."
Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU had a hug? I'm talking a real, genuine, "everything's gonna be alright, and even if it isn't I'm still gonna be right here" kinda hug.
Talk to me...and if you see me, give me a hug please.
Til next time...
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