Knowing vs. Feeling

I watch a lot of movies and I often hear lines in those movies that resonate with me. In addition to entertainment, I'm always watching for a message.

Yesterday as I was watching The Giver, I heard this line and it really hit home with me:

"Knowing what something is is not the same as knowing how something feels."

I was immediately taken to thoughts of my Mom. Before she passed away earlier this month (11/09), I had often expressed my condolences to others over the loss of their loved ones. I realize now that although I KNEW that losing a loved one was an unfortunate experience, it wasn't until my own mother left this earth that I realized how losing someone so close actually FEELS.

It hurts.

Really hurts.

So often I find my thoughts wandering to the last conversation that I had with my Mom. And the conversation before that. I wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Who has she met? Who has she reunited with? WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY?

So many thoughts.

There's just this emptiness now.

Ironically, my mother and I weren't super-close, yet she was still my mother, and anytime she needed me I was there at the drop of a dime.

Even during her hospital stay there were times when she and I would bump heads. Yes, my mother was a feisty one. Ask anyone who knew her and they'll tell you that.

I often wish I had some of her feistiness. I'm too soft. I let too much stuff go. I let folks get away with way to much. I hem and haw around what I'm really thinking for fear of hurting folks' feelings. My mom was the complete opposite.

Yet even with our differences, we share one commonality. She was MISUNDERSTOOD and so am I. Interesting, ain't it? Folks never "got" her and they don't "get" me either.

Another thing that I've discovered now that I know how it FEELS to have my Mom no longer here, is that pictures of folks with their Moms seem to pop up EVERYWHERE now. It's kinda like when you buy a new car. Before you bought the car you rarely noticed them on the road. Now that you have one, it seems that EVERYONE is driving the same car. That's how this is, although opposite. Now that MY Mom is no longer here, it seems that everyone else's Mom IS. Ouch!

So yeah...this is an experience that I KNEW about, but until it actually happened to ME, I didn't fully understand how it FEELS. Now, sadly, I do.

Even in the sadness though, I still rejoice in knowing that my Mom is in Heaven and no longer in pain. No longer worrying about bills. No longer worrying about anything. She has joy, unspeakable joy. And for that, I am glad.

Until I meet with her again I will continue to send up prayers. I no longer pray FOR her, because she doesn't NEED prayers anymore. Prayers are for this life on Earth. But I do ask God to give her extra hugs. Not necessarily from ME, because I don't think she'll remember me until I actually get there myself. And no...she's NOT "looking down" on me or anybody else because that wouldn't be Heaven if she (or any of our loved ones) were looking back here. I mean think about it...with all of the sadness, anger, evil, and horrible things that go on here, WHY would God allow anyone to "look back" at it? Where is the joy in that? There isn't any. So I'm ok with knowing that my Mom is NOT "looking back" or "watching over me". She is living her eternal life, and loving every moment.

On the flip side though, I do believe that I have angels watching over me. They were here from the day I was born, and will continue to be until the day I am called Home. I have no idea who they are, and I don't think I'm supposed to know. I just know that they exist, and THEY "watch over me."

Now...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Name an experience that you "knew" about, but didn't fully understand until it actually happened to you.

Talk to me!

Til next time...