Hot Sauce, Tartar Sauce, Mustard?

This afternoon I fried some fish to eat for lunch. I heated up some brown rice to go with it and my meal was ready.

As I was eating my fish I noticed how plain it was. Most Black folks eat their fried fish with hot sauce.

Other folks may have tartar sauce.

And then there was my mother. It's funny how memories of my mother pop up at the most random of times.

Today, while eating my plain fish, I remembered how my Mom used to eat hers with mustard. Yes, MUSTARD.

So what did I do? I headed on over to the fridge, got out the mustard and covered my fish with it.

Can't say that I loved it...but I did love the memory that it gave me.

More than likely I'll just stick to eating my fish plain, or occasionally with hot sauce. Never with tartar sauce (YUCK), and maybe...just maybe...with mustard every now and then.

How 'bout you?

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What do you like on YOUR fried fish?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

Today is my Mom's 66th birthday which she is celebrating in Heaven (if birthdays are even celebrated there.)

She had 63 "Earthly birthdays," and shortly before her 64th the Lord took her home.

Every year on this day I find myself wondering just what exactly do folks do in Heaven on birthdays. Maybe birthdays are just like any other day there. And maybe, just maybe...days aren't days at all. I have no idea what TIME is even like in Heaven.

Anyhoo...pictured here are where her remains lay. I never thought they'd be here in MY home. I was fine with having them at my Dad's place...but recent circumstances called for the urn to be relocated. So...here it is, and inside...there she is (at least the physical parts.)

Thankfully, I know that the true essence of my Mom can never be contained in a jar. Her soul now dwells in Heaven, full and in tact. Knowing that gives me great joy, and one of these good ol' days...I'll be right there along side of her.

With regard to MY physical remains...I would love to have my corpse placed on a bed of logs to be set afire and pushed out to sea. I find that to be the most beautiful way to lay one to rest. Legally I know it's not possible, but if it were...that's how I'd wanna be "sent off."

Nevertheless...I digress.

I said a little prayer today and asked God to give my Momma an extra special hug on this...her extra special day.

Happy 66th Birthday Mom! I love and miss you!!

Now (deep breath in)...Let the DIALOGUE begin: I know it's morbid to think about, but...how would you like for your body to be disposed of once it's time?

Talk to me!

Til nex time...

What's Your Flavor?

A couple days ago I was hankerin' for a "sweet treat." Whenever that happens I tend to find myself at Rite Aid for a scoop (or two) of some good ol' Thrifty's ice cream. Tastes good and it's way cheaper than Baskin-Robbins.

As I stood at the counter waiting for someone to come assist (there's never anyone readily available), I thought about getting my usual...either Pecan Praline or Chocolate Fudge Brownie.
Seems like it was taking longer than normal for someone to arrive which gave me time to check out some of the other flavors.

Didn't take long before I spotted one that made me smile...Rainbow Sherbet, which by the way...if you are anything like me, gets pronounced Sher-bert...even though there's only ONE "r".

Anyhoo...I digress.

The sherbet made me smile because it immediately reminded me of my Mom.

Three days before she passed away, I walked into her room and found her in tears. She knew that she didn't have many days left here on earth and was wishing that God would just " hurry up already." Yes, for this, she was quite distraught.

As I tried to calm her down, the dietician came in and noticed my Mom crying. He thought that maybe having something to eat would make her feel better. though a whole list of choices, yet nothing he mentioned sounded appealing to her and she decided that she didn't want anything at all.

Then he took a different approach and asked her what she would like to have if she could have anything at all.

My Mom's eyes lit up and she said, "Rainbow Sherbet."

I heard that and thought, "Great. Like they've really got THAT here. Now she's gonna cry again."

Well...

Much to my surprise, the dietician said, "Miss Rebecca, I'll be right back."

Not five minutes later, he walked back in with a single scoop of Rainbow Sherbet in a cup. I wish I had taken a picture of my Mom's face when she saw it. Her whole countenance changed.

I sat by her side as she ate ever so slowly, savoring every bite, almost as if she knew it would be her last time tasting. We talked, she ate. We talked, she ate.

I left that evening knowing that her tears had stopped (if only momentarily), and she enjoyed that sherbet as if it were the best thing she'd ever eaten.

So after seeing Rainbow Sherbet in the ice cream case at Rite Aid, I knew immediately what my choice would be. I asked for a single scoop in a cup, and had quite the giggle when the cup was handed to me with a SMILING scoop of sherbet (pictured) staring at me. I knew right then and there that I had most definitely made the right choice.

I savored every bite remembering how my Mom did the very same.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's YOUR favorite flavor of ice cream?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Anywhere but Here

Today I was on the verge of a meltdown. I just wanted to get in my car and drive far away, leaving everything behind to start life anew. I NEED A FRESH START!

Three things kept me from leaving -- my kiddos. If it weren't for them, I'd be OUT. They'd be the only ones who'd miss me. They are the only ones I matter to. So THEY were my only reasons for staying.

I'm tired. Tired of being hurt by people who "say" they love me, when their actions prove the very opposite. So very tired. Emotionally and Mentally EXHAUSTED.

Instead of getting in my car and driving off, I reached out to a friend...although "friend" is an understatement. She's so much more than that. I called, and she let me pour my heart out (or at least as much of it as I could during my short 45 minute lunch break). With her, I knew that my words would be HEARD and received WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

Before I got to say anything, she assured me that to HER, I matter. And if I were to "go away," SHE would be affected. She let me know that to HER, I have VALUE.

I almost cried after hearing those words, but I composed myself enough to tell her how I've been feeling.

I told her about "Joe" and how much his absence has negatively affected me in numerous ways.

I told her about my former "best friend" of 38 years who chose "friendship" with someone I used to date and LOVE, over her "friendship" with me.

I told her about my dad and how he's been hospitalized since November. NOVEMBER!

I could have told her so much more...but there's only so much one can say in 45 minutes.

She said many things to me that made complete sense and helped me to better understand this "lost" space that I'm in right now, but there was one very profound thing that she said which really hit home.

She told me that any ONE of those things would be a lot for an individual to handle. To handle all three at once, is OVERWHELMING for anybody. Then she said, "And with all that, you haven't even had a chance to mourn the loss of your mother." BINGO!!! At that moment, it was as if a veil had been removed and I could finally see.

She was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

On September 17th, 2014, my Mom was hospitalized. Eight days later she had a major amputation, was unconscious for days after that. Regained consciousness, had to learn how to do even the simplest things like swallow, was transferred to another hospital, and finally to a rehabilitation center where she was under hospice care until she finally took her last breath on November 9th, 2014.

In the middle of all this, on October 27th 2014, I started a new job. Four days into my new job I had to take an extended lunch to attend the "family meeting" at the hospital to discuss the next steps in my Mom's care. Basically, we were made aware of the fact that she wouldn't be with us much longer. After that meeting, I got in my car, and cried all the way back to my new job. Ten days later, my Mom's earthly life ended, late that Sunday night. I took the following day off -- that was a Monday, and was back at work on Tuesday. I worked everyday until the Friday before her Memorial service on November 22nd. No where in between did I have TIME to grieve the loss of my mother. My days were filled with learning my new job from 8-5, and planning my Mom's service after 5:00. Her service was on a Saturday and I was back at work on Monday. There was no "Bereavement Leave" for me.

Since my Mom's passing, my Dad's health has declined considerably. So in making sure that he is okay, again, there's been no time to really process the loss of my Mom. Then "Joe" left, and shortly thereafter,"former best friend" kicked me to the curb. It's just been blow after blow to the point that I don't feel I have any air left.

So I guess my wanting to just hop in the car and drive away, is a way of getting the TIME I need to process all of these things. Getting to a place where I can just SHUT DOWN for a week, or month, or longer...and get my bearings. At this point, all I know is that it's just too much.

Somethin's gotta give, because I am about to break.

I probably need to see a therapist, just so that I can get all of this off my chest on a regular basis. I know that I have friends who would be willing to listen, but after a while my issues will get old, and all of a sudden my calls will stop being answered, or my texts ignored. I wouldn't want to risk valuable friendships over my "issues."

I used to have an excellent therapist. She was a fellow believer in Christ which gave me a lot of comfort. I knew that her advice would'nt be some "New Age" mumbo jumbo, but that it would always come from a place of biblical foundations. At the end of our sessions, she always prayed for me. Then her daughter was due to have twins soon and off my therapist went, up north, to be closer to the family. I couldn't blame her, but I sure hated to see her go. Finding a new therapist who "gets me" the way that she did won't be easy, but perhaps I should begin a new search.

So there you have it. I am broken by all of the hurt I've had to endure over these past 17 months. All in the form of ABSENCE, one way or another. My Mom's is an EARTHLY absence. "Joe's" is an EMOTIONAL absence. The "former friend" is a SISTERLY absence in a way, because we were THAT CLOSE...or so I thought. Although my Dad is present, his FORMER SELF is absent.

As for me...I seem to lose a bit of myself with each day. Losing who I used to be -- not really sure about who I'm becoming.

I imagine that I'm a lot stronger that I've ever given myself credit for, because most folks would have crumbled by now. Although I haven't completely crumbled, I am broken...but as the picture says, "Broken crayons still color."

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU had a hug? I'm talking a real, genuine, "everything's gonna be alright, and even if it isn't I'm still gonna be right here" kinda hug.


Talk to me...and if you see me, give me a hug please.

Til next time...

Pound Puppy

I've been thinking about my Mom a lot lately and on my way home yesterday another memory came to me.

I was exiting the 105 freeway at Garfield and remembered the day that I took my Mom to the nearby animal shelter to get her newest "fur baby."

A few months prior, her "best girl," "Sarah" passed away. Sarah was about 14 years old and a total "lap dog." Wherever my Mom was, there would be Sarah.

My Mom had another sweety-pooched named "Lazarus." He was about as old, and my Mom loved him just as much. There was just something special about Sarah though.

So yeah...Sarah eventually took her last breath and my Mom was HEARTBROKEN. We couldn't even SPEAK of Sarah without my Mom breaking into tears. So we tried our best not to mention her.

One day, I asked my Mom if she wanted another dog. At first she said no, because no one could ever replace her Sarah. That was understandable, yet there had to be SOMETHING that would relieve her sadness.

A few days later my Mom decided that she did want another dog. So we went online and viewed pics of adoptable doggies at the local shelters. We looked through picture after picture after picture.

Finally, my Mom saw one that caught her eye and said, "Let's go get her."

So the next day, we headed to the shelter to get my Mom's newest "fur baby."

We arrived at the shelter, went up and down the aisles peeking into the kennels until we found the one we'd come for. My Mom asked, "Is that her?"

I said, "Yep."

My Mom asked, "Why does she look different? She doesn't look like her picture."

I didn't have an answer to that one.

Then my Mom noticed that the pooch was on medication for Parvo.

Once my Mom saw that she decided that she didn't want to adopt that particular dog because she didn't want Lazarus to catch it. So...up and down we went, through the aisles once again to find a new pooch.

We spotted one.

A tiny little chihuahua (my Mom LOVED chihuahuas. ALL of her dogs had been chihuahuas). Contrary to what so many folks think, not ALL chihuahuas are "yappy." Every one that my Mom had (and she had MANY), were very sweet and loving...not "yappy" at all.

So...we asked to see the pup and got a chance to hold him. What a sweety he was, calmly laying his head on my should as if to say, "If you take me home I'll love you forever." How could we say no to that?

My Mom decided that he was the one.

She named him "Sammy", we signed the papers, and off we went.

He sat so calmly in my Mom's lap on the way home and we were sure that we'd made the right decision. Yep...that's what we thought.

We got home, carried him inside, sat him down on the floor, and like LIGHTNING...HE TOOK OFF!

He was EVERYWHERE! Moving so fast, we couldn't keep up with him.

What we very quickly discovered was that this 11 week old PUPPY was not a suitable replacement for a 13 YEAR old mature DOG.

My Mom was in over her head. Sammy was on the move ALL day, and only shut off at night for a few hours to sleep. He was exhausting. My Mom loved him, but he was exhausting. He would've been perfect for a family with small children, but not for a woman in her 60s.

Shortly after my Mom got Sammy, she had an accident that resulted in her being hospitalized, never to return home to her beloved "fur babies."

She missed them, and they missed her. Lazarus took her absence especially hard. I'd never witnessed an animal go through depression until I saw Lazarus become deeply depressed over my Mom.

He became a hermit, a recluse.

I'd go over and coax him out of his "lonely place." Would give him as much love as I could during my visits, but it didn't seem to help. He'd go right back to where he was before I arrived.

So much sadness.

Now, they're ALL gone. My Mom is in Heaven, and I have no idea where the dogs are. Both Sammy and Lazarus got loose, never to return. They've both been chipped so if anyone had found them it wouldn't be difficult to find their owners. Over a year has passed though, and that hasn't happened yet.

I've never been to Heaven, yet I sure look forward to getting there one day. When it comes to animals in Heaven, I'm not sure if they're there or not. I sure hope so though. That would let me know that my Mom is having a grand ol' time, because when it came to "fur babies," they made her happier than ANYTHING on Earth (that included her human babies). Her "fur babies" gave her joy that nothing, or no ONE else could match. That's how much she LOVED them.

By the way...Sammy is the one in the photo. Can't even begin to tell you how tough it was to get him to sit still long enough for the pic.

Now, let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time you visited an animal shelter? Did you adopt a pet while you were there?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I'm so Becky!

Last night, I spent time with some of my family members who were visiting from Ohio, my Mom's side of the family.

Oh what a time we had!

It was so nice to sit and talk about family members who are no longer here, and the great times we had as kids. We went through old photos and my cousin went around the room and gathered info from everyone so that he could update our ancestry.com family tree.

Two of the highlights for me were hanging with my cousin Resa, who loves to talk as much as I do! It was awesome!!! There were times when she would actually stop and say, "Wait, was that ME talking, or YOU?" HILARIOUS!!!

The other highlight was having so many people say how much like my mother I am...especially in looks. Yes, I am most definitely my mother's twin and the older I get, the more evident that becomes.

Interestingly, in personality, she and I are NOTHING alike. My Mom was a pistol...a spitfire. I, am quite the opposite. I wish I had more of her fire, more of her spunk, more of her "I don't give a f*ck what you think about me, this is me...PERIOD!" Man, I wish I had more of that.

Little by little, I'm developing that spunk. What I'm learning as a result is that friends drop off like flies when you start standing up for who you are and what you believe. On my Mom's last day, she didn't leave behind many friends, but EVERYBODY know what my Mother was about, and that she didn't take no mess...from ANYBODY.

So...as I get older, I hope to have more people notice how much like my Mom I am becoming. Not just in looks, but in personality. I am sick of taking sh*t from people, and it's about time that changes.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you anything like YOUR Mom, either in personality or looks, or both?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

On This Day...

On this day one year ago, we said our final "public" farewell to my Mom.

I still remember all of the stress that led up to the day. Never before had I had to make "arrangements" for anyone. I had simply attended Homegoing services, but never PLANNED one. There was so much to be done, and I was barely one month into my new job so I couldn't take time off. Everything pretty much had to be handled when I got of work. It was EXHAUSTING!!!

Figuring out when and where the service would be held was probably my biggest disappointment. I really really (can I say really one more time) wanted MY pastor to officiate the service at so that my church family could attend. Unfortunately, my church already had a big event planned for the day that my Dad wanted to have the service, so NO ONE from my church was able to attend. The event that day was MANDATORY and ALL MEMBERS had to be in attendance. To this day, that still hurts. I know that it wasn't planned that way intentionally, but my Mom was only going to have ONE Homegoing service. That was pretty big deal to me and my family. But...as with so many things, I had to "suck it up", "put on my big girl pants" and understand that nothing was going to change, so we had to proceed as planned. Thankfully, some of my former church members were able to attend and in that, I found comfort.

We decided to have the service at my brother's church, and his pastor officiated. All in all, (although he arrived QUITE late), it all worked out.

Getting the obituary done...that was difficult. Two years before my Mom passed, she had already written it. Just as my mother was UNIQUE and unlike anyone else you'll ever meet in you life...so too was her obituary.

Getting it put into the format that she had written, along with including pictures was quite a task...and EXPENSIVE.

Flowers. Do you have any idea how much floral arrangements cost...in addition to WHERE one is supposed to get said floral arrangement? Well it turns out that the best deal on pretty much ANYTHING is Downtown L.A. So that's where I heady. The area was a bit "seedy" but hey, I needed these flowers...and...I got 'em.

Then there was the repast. Where would that be held. Thankfully, my cousins opened up their home and we all had a very nice gathering in honor of my Mom.

I was a mess...a stressed out mess!

And then there was "Joe." Poor Joe. I remember one day he called, and I may have said "Hello?", which was followed by him asking how I was doing, and just like that...the floodgates opened and I dumped EVERYTHING on him. Once I was done and he did what he could to calm me down, he proceeded to tell me that he had been in an accident that day. I felt like such an ass.

I had spent so much time whining and complaining about MY problems, it never dawned on me to ask how things were going with him. Thankfully he was hurt in the accident...his car just had a few bumps. Even with my mood swings and high stress levels, he was right by my side the entire day of the service. Picked me up that morning, told me everything would be okay, brought me home that night and still told me that everything would be ok. I thank God for him EVERYDAY.

So much has happened from that day until now. I miss my Mom somethin' awful. It's a feeling that I just can't describe and as shallow as it sounds, I just don't think that anyone other than someone whose Mom has passed can truly understand. There's just an empty space that my Mom used to fill and nothing else can fill it.

Nevertheless, I still rejoice in knowing that she is not in any more pain. For the past year and 13 days, she has experienced joy, UNSPEAKABLE JOY. Knowing that, I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever had to plan a funeral...or as we Christians call it...a Homegoing service? If so, how did it go?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Take What Ya Momma Gave Ya!

A few years back, I was at my parent's house for a visit and I noticed that my Mom had this big ol' stack of towels in the living room. I asked why she had so many and she told me that they were on sale so she bought a bunch. After bringing them home she realized that she had waaay too many. I thought so too.

I told her that if she had the receipt, she should take the extras back. She said no, she didn't want to be bothered with going back.

I offered to return them and she still said no. Just seemed like too much hassle.

Then she told ME to take some of the extras.

I said, thanks, but no thanks, because they were purple and NOTHING in my bathroom (nor my home for that matter) was purple. My color scheme (if we can call it that) is Blue and Brown. Purple just wouldn't go.

After some back and forth, she insisted that I take them, so I agreed and brought five of them home with me.

Fast forward to present day. My Mom is no longer here, but EVERY TIME I look at or use one of those dag-gone purple towels, I think of her. Yes...I'm so glad that I listened.

Who knew then that something as simple as a towel would trigger memories of my Mom.

So in case you're wondering what the lesson of this story is, I'll tell you: ALWAYS take what your Mom wants you to have! Trust me, one day when she's gone, you'll be glad you did.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What has YOUR Mom "urged" you to take that you didn't really want to, but now you're glad you did?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

One Year Later

And...here we are.

Today marks the last of my "Year of Firsts". This is the 1 yr anniversary (if you will) of my Mom's passing.

What a year it's been.

All in all I think I've handled it well.

I miss going to her home and having her wake up (she slept a LOT), and then make her way into the living room where she'd sit in her favorite chair and chat until she got tired and needed to head back to bed.

I miss the way that she spoiled her "fur-babies". They loved them some her and she love her some them. When she passed, her dog Lazarus fell into a deep depression. I didn't know that dogs had feelings like that...but he did and he missed her terribly. It was so sad for me to see.

I've shed many tears over the past 12 months and only have few regrets.

One...I wish I had saved her last happy birthday voice mail message that she left on July 14 2014. She sang me the birthday song that she sang every year. Without that song my birthday will NEVER be the same.

Two...I wish I had kept her favorite night gown. It had this big dog on the front and she always wore it. In my haste of donating her clothes, I gave that away too. I know good and well that the folks I donated it to probably threw it out. To them I'm sure it just looked old and worn. To me...it had meaning.

My Mom and I were not "best buds", but we were mother and daughter and loved each other as such. By her bedside I told her many times that I loved her, and she told me the same. So in that regard I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

I took today off (as I will probably do EVERY year), and spent some much needed time at "My Place of Peace". Listening to the waves and the wind...sticking my feet in the water and letting it come up to my calves. Picked some lovely shells, and communed with God, my Creator. Told him EVERYTHING that was on my heart. Not just about my Mom, but about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I sang to him, and thanked Him for all that He is to me. I can truly say that today was a good day.

Now I'm off to go buy some flowers and place them by my Mother's urn. I know that she's not there, but it just seems like the right thing to do on this day.

I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I know that I will see her again, in the presence of God whenever He chooses to call me home.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU went to the beach?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

MyFace

Five days from today will mark the 1 year "anniversary" of my Mom's passing. Anniversary really doesn't seem like the right word, but I imagine it will do for now.

So much has happened and changed in this past year.

In honor of my Mom's memory, I have decided to dedicate this month to her on Facebook, via my profile pics.

I've always changed my profile pic on the following days of each month: 1st, 8th, 15th, 22nd, 29th. Why? Because I get bored looking at the SAME thing ALL the time. So when it comes to my page, I like to "switch it up".

This month, every profile pic will be of my Mom. A couple will have ME in them too (like the current one). In two that I can think of, I am also in the pic, just not seen...unless you look at my Mom's big belly. That's where you'll spot me...just days from being born.

I've always been very particular about my profile pics, and I always make sure that I am in them. I don't do cartoon characters, or quotes, or images that are not MY face. I began that practice when a friend passed away and her profile pic was of her boyfriend. To this day, if you go to her page, there's HIS face.

If something ever happened to me, I'd want people to see MY face as the memory...not something random.

However, there IS an exception. That exception is my Mom. If by chance God calls me home THIS month while my Mom's face is my profile pic, I would be a-ok with that. Heck, I look just like her anyway...most folks wouldn't even know the difference.

Ironically, my Mom wanted nothing to do with social media when she was still living here on earth. I asked her once if she wanted a Facebook page and her response was, "I don't care about MyFace. I don't have any friends, nor anybody I would want to get back in touch with, so there's no point in having a page." Oh, I was so tickled when she called it "MyFace".

I wonder what she'd say if she knew that her face has finally made the pages of Facebook. She'd probably say, "Take my picture down. I don't want some weirdo to see it." Yep, that's probably what she'd say.

Well, that's about it. If you happen to be one of my Facebook friends, I hope you enjoy my profile pics this month...my "Month of Mom".

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the most unusual profile pic you've ever seen on Facebook?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Fed and FULL

This evening after my book club meeting I decided to swing by the nearby Soul Food spot and pick up some dinner.

What I ordered required a 15 minute wait which was fine with me because I always have a book handy to help pass the time.

So I take my seat and begin to read.

A few minutes in, one of the servers turns on some music. No biggie. I can read with music.

Soon thereafter, he starts singing.

Then I hear the lady sitting next to me who's also singing. She was pretty good...and so was he.

Well...he got louder, and the louder he got...the BETTER he got. This dude's singing was OFF DA CHAIN!

I was entranced. I closed my book and just watched him and listened.

Next thing I know, the lady sitting next to me has turned her chair around and asked me, "Who is that? Where's that singing coming from?"

I told her that it was the tall, dark, older gentleman behind the counter. She too agreed that his voice was amazing.

Now I don't know if it was because I'm missing "Joe" while he's out of town (which I'll write about in a later post), but I'll be dag-gone if this dude didn't remind me of him. There was something about the heart and soul that he put into the song...something SPECIAL that he added that made the song his own...just like Joe does. It was like I was listening to Joe 20 years from now. I could have listened to this man ALL NIGHT.

As I continued to wait for my food, the lady told me that she'd heard him singing there before but that she doesn't come too often because she lives in Cerritos. I then told her that I'm also not there often because I live near Cerritos (which is no where near the restaraunt we were at).

I then told her that I tend to stop by after my book club meeting and she soon began asking me about the club. Apparently her daughter has been looking for a book club with predominantly African American women and I told the woman that that is exactly what my club is.

What she said next almost made me cry. She said, "I'm gonna tell my daughter about the book club because if YOU'RE in it, then it's where she needs to be. You have AMAZING energy." That was such a compliment to me. I don't know what it is...perhaps it's the "Jesus in me"...I don't really know. What I do know is that there IS something special in me and people just FEEL it when they're around me. I don't say this to toot my own horn...I've just gotten to a point where I accept and acknowledge whatever this is, and if it makes people want to be around me...or know that I'm someone GOOD to be around...then I'll take it...gladly.

She and I talked some more and next thing I knew, we were exchanging numbers. I know...I know...I don't know her from "Eve" but something about it just felt okay.

She wanted my info so that she could give it to her daughter. Sure, she could have just given her daughter the book club info, but before I knew it, she had my number and sent me a text with her info. Something about her just made me so comfortable.

I'm still waiting for my food, and we start talking about books and authors. She tells me about one that I had JUST heard of earlier today. She told me how FANTASTIC this author's books are and that I really need to check out her work.

Next, she tells me about the book club that she's been in for 30 years. She said that the club isn't perfect, but she's been in it so long...she just decided to stick with. Then, she said something that actually did make me tear up a bit. She told me her age. She's 64.

That's the same age that my Mom would have been if she were still here. 64

And at that moment, that whole encounter made sense to me. God was giving me a little bit of what I needed to make me feel better about the ones I'd been missing.

He gave me Teddy (that's the singing server's name)...to remind me of Joe, and make me smile.

And he gave me Katarina (even if just for those few minutes) to remind me of my Mom, and in an odd way...what a Mother's love feels like. The way that I opened up to her just felt so "natural". Now I think I understand why. God just wanted me to feel that motherly connection, even if it was with a complete stranger.

Who knows. Some folks may call me crazy. But in that brief visit to the Soul Food joint, much more than my body got nourished. My soul was fed...and got FULL.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever encountered a stranger who unexpectedly filled a void?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Reflecting

At this time last year, I was sitting by my Mom's hospital bedside waiting for her to "come to" and regain consciousness.

She'd been admitted to the hospital on September 17th, and had her leg amputated on September 25th. She hadn't been conscious for any of it.

As the days went on, we wondered how she would react once she realized what had been done to her leg. We didn't think she'd be too pleased, but it was the decision that HAD to made. Her leg was dying and as a result, her body was too. The leg HAD to go.

Those were some really sad days for me. Probably the saddest of my life.

Seeing the woman who was always such a spit-fire and strong-willed, now relegated to a bed and unable to speak. It was all too much.

Whenever I think of those days, my heart gets extremely heavy. I can hardly believe that it's almost been a year. Time certainly does fly...and not just when you're having fun.
During those moments of sadness though, I always remind myself of where she is now...IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD...and in that, I IMMEDIATELY find joy.

My Mom has no more pain, sadness, anger, sorrow, disappointment...no negativity WHATSOEVER. And that sometimes makes me just a wee bit jealous. My Mom now dwells in the place where I am striving to get to. My Mom has MADE IT! That place is now her PERMANENT residence! And I am simply overjoyed by the thought.

So yeah...this time last year wasn't a good time for me AT ALL. But when I look at the outcome...not so much that my Mom is no longer here...but the fact that she is finally where she always wanted to be...I can truly say that I am all right...and it is well with my soul.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What were YOU doing on this day last year?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Thoughtfulness

This evening I went to visit my Dad in the hospital. He's been in and out quite a bit lately. Not many people know because I keep so much to myself. Heck...folks didn't know about my Mom for weeks after she'd been hospitalized. I'm just not one of those folks who shares every waking thought and moment with the world. Here though, for some odd reason, I don't mind sharing.

So I go to visit my Dad, and although I knew I needed to be there, I hated being there at the same time. It's the same hospital where my Mom was before her last days. It's the same hospital that I drove to when I got the call telling me, "Your Mom fell, and she's in the hospital."

I made my way to the hospital only to find her in the Emergency Room, sedated, on life support, and with tubes coming out of everywhere. All this because of a fall?

Turns out that my Mom had fallen as a result of many things. She had a stroke, heart attack, kidneys failed, and had a severe clot in her leg that was pretty much cutting off circulation from her knee down to her toes.

The day that my Mom fell at home and was rushed to the hospital, was the last day that she ever walked.

After many days of sitting by her side in that hospital room, waiting for her to be strong enough for surgery, waiting for her to be prepped for surgery...waiting for her to come out of surgery...waiting for her to be strong enough to breathe on her own...waiting for her to be able to open her eyes and acknowledge me...waiting for her to learn how to swallow again so that she could enjoy a simple cup of water...waiting for her to be strong enough to get out of her bed and into a wheel chair...waiting for her to be well enough to go home...only to realize that she would NEVER go "home"...waiting...

Yes, those are the memories that come to me every time I turn onto the hospital lot, check in at the visitors desk, press the button on the elevator and head toward my Dad's hospital room. THOSE...are my memories...and I can hardly stand them.

Today though, when I pulled into the lot, it was as if God knew that I needed just a little something to lift my spirit. As soon as I parked my car, I saw it...the lovely flower that's pictured here. I got out of the car and it was as though I heard God say, "Look."

There were four flowers. He said, "Look at them all." So I did.

Then He said, "Which one do you like the best?"

And I took a picture of the one that was closest to perfect. I looked at the color, the intricate detail, and was reminded of how creative God is, and how thoughtful He is to stop me before I went into that hospital, so that I could enjoy a few moments of beauty first.

I thanked Him, and then I went in.

As I was leaving, a smile came over my face as I remembered my beloved "Joe", and how loving and caring he was with my Mom when she was there. I will always remember the day that she had her amputation. Before she went in, she was agitated. We could tell. I didn't really know what to do. But Joe...

He always knows what to do.

He got a washcloth, wet it, and gently wiped her forehead to cool her off and calm her down. I believe that should could feel the love in his touch, and in an instant, her nerves were settled. She still wasn't able to speak at that point, but you could see the change come over her face. As if I didn't already love him, my love for him grew exponentially in that moment, with that small gesture.

All in all, I'd have to say that the visit today wasn't all that bad. There were some sweet moments mixed with the bitter.

As for my Dad, he's still there and will probably be moved to another hospital before he gets to go back home. That other hospital is another tough one for me to visit, for similar reasons. That's where we were told that her remaining days were very short...and they were.

Just thought I'd share that. I miss my Mom. Tomorrow will mark the 10 month mark since she left this earth. She came to me in a dream last night. She was her old self. She was healthy, and she was well. I welcomed the visit.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How do you cope when you have to visit a place that doesn't bring the fondest of memories?

Talk to me!

Messages of Love

Yesterday as I was clearing out some of my old text messages I came across the last ones that I had sent to my Mom on October 22, 2014...just 18 days before she left this life on Earth and began her eternal life in Heaven.

She was in the hospital at the time and was missing her dogs; rambunctious Sammy and sweet little lazy Lazarus. To help her feel better, I took pics of her fur-babies and texted them to her. That way she'd always have them with her. She loved those little pooches, and neither she, nor they had any idea that September 17th would be the last day that they'd ever see each other.

A month later, when she was moved to hospice, the staff informed us that we could bring the dogs to visit her as long as their shots were up to date. My Mom beamed when she heard this news. Before I could take them to visit, they needed their nails clipped, and a flea dip. Before I could get that done though, she was gone.

Anyhoo...I said all that to say that it's been really difficult for me to delete those messages. It's as though keeping them allows me to have a little bit of her here still. To see that text addressed to "Mom's Cell" just gives me teeny bit of comfort.

I wish I had kept her last voicemail message to me.
I wish I had kept her last text TO me, instead of mine TO her.

So for just a little longer, I will hang on to this one.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do you have any special text messages that you're holding on to? If so, from who?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

So today is my birthday...

Well...here we are folks! July 14th. My 47th birthday.

I did good.

Only got teary-eyed once thinking about my Mom and that fact that I simply WILL NOT get the call that I've always received on this day. In case you're wondering what that song was, I'll write the words here. The funny part is, I don't even know if these are the exact words to the actual song, but this is how MY ears have always heard them:

"So today is your birthday
That is what I've been told
What a wonderful birthday
You are one more year old.

On the cake there'll be candles
all covered for you
What a WONDERFUL birthday
Happy Birthday to You."

That's the song I will forever miss.

Not gonna say much more 'cause there's just not a whole lot to say. I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I thank her for bringing me into the world on this day 47 years ago. I thank her for keeping me instead of "letting a rich White lady have me". Yes...those were her words and that was almost my fate. She was just a young girl, and I was to be put up for adoption and raised in a "better" family because that is what happened to babies born to very young mothers back in 1968. But God had other plans...and I am so glad that He did.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What special birthday tradition would YOU miss if you didn't have it anymore?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Who Needs a Matching Set Anyway?

So I was washing dishes earlier and realized that I only have FIVE spoons, TWO knives and NO forks. I was a bit perplexed wondering how this happened.

As I thought about it a little longer, a memory of my mother quickly popped into my mind. I remembered how she would go to thrift stores and buy used silverware. Probably for about 10 cents per piece...maybe a quarter at the most. At the time, I thought it to be a bit odd. WHY would anyone ever want someone else's USED silverware??? I don't think that any TWO pieces in her drawer matched and thought it was kinda weird.

Now I realize that that was just one of the many UNIQUE, carefree characteristics that made up my mother. As I type these words I am a bit ashamed of the way that didn't always understand her while she was here. Now...all I wanna do is HUG her and say, "I get it."

As you can probably guess...I will be heading to the local thrift store in the very near future and will stock up on some "not-so-new" silverware. As long as I wash it thoroughly, it'll be fine. It never hurt my mother and it certainly won't hurt me.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What is the oddest thing that you've ever purchased from a thrift store?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I Made It!

So here I am...and I can happily say that I've made it through this day. My first Mother's Day WITHOUT my Mom. It's been 6 months and a day since she left this earth. Some days are rough. Others...not as much.

If she had still been here the day would have included a visit to her home, where she would have been sleeping until we arrived. She'd come out in one of her night gowns and hang with us a bit until she got tired again.

We'd give her a gift, which probably would have been toe-socks (she LOVED toe-socks) or something with a chihuahua on it (she LOVED chihuahuas even MORE than toe-socks).

All in all though, I'd have to say that today was a great day...mainly because my kids made it so. Even before today, they made sure that it was great by sending me roses which arrived on Thursday. A lovely assortment of multicolored roses. Then they topped things off today by all being here at home with me (which is rare). We had breakfast, took some naps, and then headed to my FAVORITE restaurant for dinner.

I'm home now and simply THANKFUL.

Although I miss my Mom, I am thankful for the fact that she is no longer sick, and has been "livin' it up" ever since she arrived in Heaven on November 9th, 2014.

And I am even more thankful for the three whom God chose to bless me with...the three who call me MOM. There's really not a whole lot more that a mother can ask for.

So that's about it.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mom's out there...biological and in every other sense. And to those whose Mom's are no longer here on Earth...I bid you an EXTRA SPECIAL Happy Mother's Day...because I know more than anyone, just how much you need it.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How did YOU celebrate Mother's Day today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Sweet Serenade

The older I get, and the longer my Mom is away, I realize that I am more like her than I ever knew. I find that quite interesting because other than the fact that I look JUST LIKE HER, I always thought that was where the similarities ended.

The first realization came when she was in the hospital and kept a spiral notebook so that she could write. I never even knew that she liked writing. That realization became very clear as I read her "handwritten obituary." So detailed and filled with emotion.

I also learned that she liked to sing (as do I). She would often joke about her "frog voice" but she sang anyway.

Last night, there was nothing "froggy" at all about her voice. It was STRONG and CLEAR as she serenaded me with just ONE verse from a song I'd often hear her sing:

"Run away child, running wild
You, better go back home where you belong
Run away child, running wild
You, better go back home where you belong..."

She sang that over and over and over...

I woke up wishing that that the song would continue. If she kept singing then that meant she was still here with me. I didn't want the song to end.

As I look at the rest of the lyrics they speak so loudly to me, especially the last verse:

"Mama, mama, please, come and see about me!
But she's much too far away; she can't hear a word you say
You're frightened and confused; which way will you choose?"


I miss my Mom...yesterday, today...EVERYDAY.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's YOUR Mother's favorite song?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

119 Days...and Counting

So I've been a bit behind in my writing yet I didn't realize just HOW far behind I was until now. My goal is to to write 365 posts in 365 days. Today is the 67th day of the year and this is post# 48. I'd better step it up. Thankfully, the goal was NOT to write 365 CONSECUTIVE posts in 365 days or I'd be in BIG trouble. So...there'll be some "doubling", "tripling" and who knows...may even "quadrupaling" in the upcoming days, because I am DETERMINED to reach my goal.

With that said, let's jump right into it.

A whole lot has been swirling around in my head lately.

Today, as you can probably guess, my Mom is in my thoughts. Today marks the 17th week that she has been gone. 119 Days. I miss her terribly. I really really do. There is an emptiness in my heart that simply will NEVER be filled. An emptiness that no one can really understand until they lose their own mother. I think about her all the time.

An acquaintance of mine lost his dad yesterday. He was there at the very end, holding his dad's hand as his dad took his last breath. I read that and cried. I cried because HE got to be there at the end with HIS dad, and MY MOM took her last breath alone...in a room...all by herself. If I could undo any part of her departure from this earth, I would undo that.

Even though I sat by her side just seven hours earlier, had I know that seven hours later she would no longer be here, I would have stayed. God, I would have stayed.

My acquaintance said that he had "no regrets" and I wished so badly that I could say the same. For the rest of my life...I will regret not being there WITH MY MOM at the end.

A friend of mine celebrated her Dad's birthday today and posted a video of him dancing. I cried. Cried because I couldn't remember the last time I saw my Mom dance. Cried because she's not here to dance anymore. I cried.

So anyhoo...It's been 17 weeks, and they haven't gotten easier. Yes, I'm still living...still functioning, but I miss my Mom like crazy. I know that she is happy in Heaven. I know that she is no longer sick. I know that she has reunited with my grandparents and other loved ones. And most importantly, I know that she is with God. For all of those things, I am glad.

So even though tears are streaming down my face as I type these words, my heart is glad...not for me, but for my Mom.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do you have any regrets about anything?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

16 Weeks

Heart's kinda heavy today. Wasn't really sure what to write about so since my Mom is in my thoughts EVERYDAY, I decided to write about her. Today marks week 16 since she left this life on Earth. Everyday hurts. Most people see me smiling and overall I am a genuinely happy person. But in those quiet moments (and I have LOTS of quiet moments), thoughts of my Mom occupy the empty spaces.

I just miss her.

I remember sitting by her bedside during those last months...sometimes just to watch her sleep. Many of those times she didn't even know I was there. She was sedated a lot...but I still just wanted to be by her side. Sometimes she'd open her eyes, see me, smile, and then go right back out. That was enough for me. I just needed her to know that I was there.

I remember her arms and how terribly bruised they were. Purple, black, blue...from being poked so many times. I was almost afraid to touch her because I knew that those bruises had to be painful. And she got so thin. My mom had always been a full-figured woman, but in the end...she was so small. Frail.

Sometimes I'd be visiting and nurses would come in to run tests, take another sample, do another poke...and they'd announce themselves to my sleeping mother, letting her know what they were about to do. I found that odd and considerate at the same time. She wouldn't respond and they'd then proceed to poke & prod her, while she remained asleep through it all.

I also remember putting on gown after gown, gloves and more gloves each time I went to see her. The very first time I had to "suit up", I felt like I was gonna melt. Everything made me so hot. Interestingly, after months of "suiting up" my body adjusted and the gloves and gowns just became additional pieces of clothing. No one should have to get used to that, but I did.

I always wonder what my Mom is doing in Heaven. I realize that I'll never know until I finally get there myself. I just know that she's happy, an she's not sick. Those two things are all that matter.

On Facebook I posted some pictures of my ancestors and her pics were of course included. Many pictures were of her as a little girl, about 5 years old...so sweet, so cute...my Momma.

Anyway...it's been 16 weeks and I'm beginning to realize that this just isn't something that one "gets over". At times I wonder if I should see a therapist, but I doubt that would do me any good. Seeing a therapist won't bring my Mother back, and I don't know that I'd really want her back anyway. Not here. Not in this messed up world we live in filled with hatred and injustice. I'd much rather get to where SHE is than to have her be back here. Although I am thankful for each day that God gives me, this life is HARD...so if I close them one night on THIS side and open them on the OTHER side...it will be well with my soul...really...it will be. Not trying to do anything to rush the process, but if the Lord so chooses, then so be it.

Now before I sign off, I'm gonna pat myself on the back and say CONGRATULATIONS TO ME for this being my 400th post!!!

. Although my blog hasn't taken off nearly the way that I had hoped when I began writing it in 2009, I do have a HANDFUL of faithful followers and for them, I am THANKFUL. Not sure what it's gonna take to gain WORLDWIDE RECOGNITION, all I know is that I must keep writing, because writing is what I do. Praying that I don't have to DIE in order to be discovered. I'd like to have my flowers while I yet live so that I can enjoy them. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there something that YOU'VE been doing for years that you're just waiting to take off yet it just hasn't happened yet?

Talk to me!

Til next time...