One Year Later

And...here we are.

Today marks the last of my "Year of Firsts". This is the 1 yr anniversary (if you will) of my Mom's passing.

What a year it's been.

All in all I think I've handled it well.

I miss going to her home and having her wake up (she slept a LOT), and then make her way into the living room where she'd sit in her favorite chair and chat until she got tired and needed to head back to bed.

I miss the way that she spoiled her "fur-babies". They loved them some her and she love her some them. When she passed, her dog Lazarus fell into a deep depression. I didn't know that dogs had feelings like that...but he did and he missed her terribly. It was so sad for me to see.

I've shed many tears over the past 12 months and only have few regrets.

One...I wish I had saved her last happy birthday voice mail message that she left on July 14 2014. She sang me the birthday song that she sang every year. Without that song my birthday will NEVER be the same.

Two...I wish I had kept her favorite night gown. It had this big dog on the front and she always wore it. In my haste of donating her clothes, I gave that away too. I know good and well that the folks I donated it to probably threw it out. To them I'm sure it just looked old and worn. To me...it had meaning.

My Mom and I were not "best buds", but we were mother and daughter and loved each other as such. By her bedside I told her many times that I loved her, and she told me the same. So in that regard I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

I took today off (as I will probably do EVERY year), and spent some much needed time at "My Place of Peace". Listening to the waves and the wind...sticking my feet in the water and letting it come up to my calves. Picked some lovely shells, and communed with God, my Creator. Told him EVERYTHING that was on my heart. Not just about my Mom, but about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I sang to him, and thanked Him for all that He is to me. I can truly say that today was a good day.

Now I'm off to go buy some flowers and place them by my Mother's urn. I know that she's not there, but it just seems like the right thing to do on this day.

I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I know that I will see her again, in the presence of God whenever He chooses to call me home.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU went to the beach?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

So today is my birthday...

Well...here we are folks! July 14th. My 47th birthday.

I did good.

Only got teary-eyed once thinking about my Mom and that fact that I simply WILL NOT get the call that I've always received on this day. In case you're wondering what that song was, I'll write the words here. The funny part is, I don't even know if these are the exact words to the actual song, but this is how MY ears have always heard them:

"So today is your birthday
That is what I've been told
What a wonderful birthday
You are one more year old.

On the cake there'll be candles
all covered for you
What a WONDERFUL birthday
Happy Birthday to You."

That's the song I will forever miss.

Not gonna say much more 'cause there's just not a whole lot to say. I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I thank her for bringing me into the world on this day 47 years ago. I thank her for keeping me instead of "letting a rich White lady have me". Yes...those were her words and that was almost my fate. She was just a young girl, and I was to be put up for adoption and raised in a "better" family because that is what happened to babies born to very young mothers back in 1968. But God had other plans...and I am so glad that He did.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What special birthday tradition would YOU miss if you didn't have it anymore?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Goodbye 46! Hello 47!!

Today marks my very last day of being 46. Although...if we wanna get "technical"...I'll be 46 until 2:20pm and 59 seconds TOMORROW. But for the sake of keeping things simple...today is the last day.

I gotta tell ya, 46 kicked my arse!

I was unemployed TWICE, had my car (very expensively) towed for the first (and hopefully LAST) time in my life, and...worst of all, my Mom left her life here on Earth and began her eternal life in Heaven.

So tomorrow will be difficult for me, because it'll be the first one without my Mom. It will be the first birthday WITHOUT the special birthday song that she'd sung to me every year for as long as I can remember.

Of all the "firsts" that I've experienced since November 9, 2014...THIS will be the toughest. I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And although our relationship was not always the best, she was my mother...the one who cared for me, and loved me in her own unique way. It may not have always looked like love, but she LOVED me...this I know.

I wanted to write her a letter. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. There are so many things that I wish I had said before she left. And I don't just mean in the days before she left, but in the months, and years.

Sometimes when I pray, I ask God to give her messages from me. Biblically speaking, I don't think that's how things work, because I don't think she has any remembrance of her life on Earth. So if He gave her a message from me, would she even know who I am? I don't know. Maybe I won't know until I get to Heaven myself. And maybe then it won't matter because I won't remember that I ever had this thought here on Earth.

But...what if?

What if God really does relay messages?

So...I probably will write my letter and ask Him to read it to her anyway. What's there to lose, right?

I will say this...46 wasn't ALL that bad. With the bitter, God blessed me sweet.

When I was down (especially financially), friends and family came to my aid. Some folks I am still repaying, but I am thankful that they were there for me when I needed help.

When I was down while my Mom was sick, and after her life here had ended, friends, family, and especially "Joe" were right by my side to lift me up and encouraged.

And although I was out of 2 jobs, I now have one that I really enjoy. They work me HARD, but I'm glad to be working.

Oh...and there's "Joe". After being "friends" for 12 years, we finally became "more than friends" and I am thoroughly enjoying the journey with him.

So there you have it folks! Happy Birthday Eve to Me! 47...I'm ready for ya! By the way...as crazy as this sounds, I really don't know what 47 is gonna feel like because I never felt 46. Those ages SOUND so old, but I don't FEEL them AT ALL. Maybe 47 is the new 27. That's probably how I'll approach it.

Anywhoo...I am blessed, and as the song goes:

"I've had some good days
I've had some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
And some sleepless nights

But when I look around
And I think things over
All of my good days
Outweigh my bad days
I won't complain..."

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was your BEST age?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I Made It!

So here I am...and I can happily say that I've made it through this day. My first Mother's Day WITHOUT my Mom. It's been 6 months and a day since she left this earth. Some days are rough. Others...not as much.

If she had still been here the day would have included a visit to her home, where she would have been sleeping until we arrived. She'd come out in one of her night gowns and hang with us a bit until she got tired again.

We'd give her a gift, which probably would have been toe-socks (she LOVED toe-socks) or something with a chihuahua on it (she LOVED chihuahuas even MORE than toe-socks).

All in all though, I'd have to say that today was a great day...mainly because my kids made it so. Even before today, they made sure that it was great by sending me roses which arrived on Thursday. A lovely assortment of multicolored roses. Then they topped things off today by all being here at home with me (which is rare). We had breakfast, took some naps, and then headed to my FAVORITE restaurant for dinner.

I'm home now and simply THANKFUL.

Although I miss my Mom, I am thankful for the fact that she is no longer sick, and has been "livin' it up" ever since she arrived in Heaven on November 9th, 2014.

And I am even more thankful for the three whom God chose to bless me with...the three who call me MOM. There's really not a whole lot more that a mother can ask for.

So that's about it.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mom's out there...biological and in every other sense. And to those whose Mom's are no longer here on Earth...I bid you an EXTRA SPECIAL Happy Mother's Day...because I know more than anyone, just how much you need it.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How did YOU celebrate Mother's Day today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

My Cup Runneth Over

Today is Christmas. My first one without my Mom. She left this life just 46 days ago and began her eternal life on the other side.

Since she's been gone (I still can't get myself to say the "D"-word), I've made it through Thanksgiving and her birthday (12/12). And now...Christmas.

How am I doing?

Pretty darn good.

I had a moment of sadness yesterday, but that quickly passed once I realized that she is now WITH the One who Christmas is all about. She now LIVES in the presence of the Lord! WOW!!! As I began to think about that, all I could do was rejoice.

With all of the uncertainty about the ACTUAL day of Jesus' birth, I was telling my daughter Lauren this morning, "Wouldn't it be funny if on Christmas morning, Jesus gathers all the "newcomers" around and says, 'Look y'all...let me clear this up. No, I was NOT born on December 25th. The real date of my birth was {fill in the blank}."

Like seriously...HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?

I can hear the deep sighs now as everyone FINALLY learns the REAL date. I've always said that it doesn't matter to me WHAT day Jesus was born, all that matters is that He WAS born (and I believe 1000% that He was), and that He died, and on the 3rd day He rose again. Oh, but it doesn't end there...ONE DAY He is coming BACK to get ME, and ALL who believe. Ooh Wee!!!

So yeah...things like that keep me from becoming (and/or staying) sad for too long.

And then there are friends. Special friends.

One sent me a message yesterday, just to see how I'm doing. And get this...he and I have NEVER met...NEVER spoken on the phone. We just happen to be in this AMAZING group together on Facebook where EVERYBODY is like family. The connection in this group is SO genuine. Before joining the group I knew ONE person in it, and was acquainted with two others. The one I know well is the one who added me. BEST group on Facebook...HANDS DOWN! Since being in it I've met many more of the members, and just as we do virtually, we connect in person as though we've all known each other forever. So...one day I will meet my friend who's been checking up on me. In the meantime, I am simply thankful for folks like him who just randomly check in.

Then there was an old school friend. She also sent a note, simply to say that she was thinking about me today. Such a small gesture...yet it means the world to me. Others sent text messages, and one actually sang a song.

Last, but certainly not least, is "Joe" who made sure that I was not alone on this day. Even though he worked last night and was tired this morning, he STILL came by just to hang with me and keep a smile on my face. And in the brief moment when the smile almost turned into tears, he turned it around and had me smiling again. Not that I'm not expected to cry (because I am), but it hurts him to see me hurt, so he turns it around whenever he can. And I appreciate that.

It's amazing how life works sometimes. In the areas where today could have felt EMPTY...LOVE filled them up. For that...I am so very grateful.

So for those who celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus...to YOU, I say: Merry CHRISTmas!

And for those who simply see today as a day to spend with friends & family...to YOU too, I say: Merry CHRISTmas!

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was the BEST thing that happened to YOU on this Christmas day?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Toes Socks and Candles

***Today's post is dedicated to my mother Rebecca. She passed away 33 days ago and never got to see this day...her 64th birthday.***

On November 9th when my Mom's Earthly life ended and her Heavenly life began, it seems that a flood of questions entered my mind that I'd never given any thought to before. I knew that soon after November 9th the holidays would begin to rush in. First up was Thanksgiving, which came and went...without my mother's presence. Soon after Thanksgiving I knew that one of the most difficult "firsts" was right around the corner. December 12th...my mother's birthday...without my mother.

As often as I've wondered what she's doing in Heaven, who she's met, who she's reunited with...did it all happen the day she got there or do the "meet & greets" take place over the span of eternity...I've been so very curious about THIS day...the day of her BIRTH.

I've wondered...are birthdays celebrated in Heaven? Or is the day that you ENTER Heaven (in my Mom's case, that would be November 9th) the day that is celebrated? Or is there NO celebration at all? I just don't know. Sure wish I did though.

Anyway...my mother's birthday has always been an interesting one. Challenging is probably a better adjective.

With some folks, friends and family have a fairly good idea of what to get that individual as a gift. With my mother...not so much. She didn't really have a "favorite" anything.

No favorite color.
No favorite food (or at least I thought, until I read her Auto-obituary).
No favorite musical artist.
No favorite actor.
No favorite author.
No favorite fragrance.
No favorite song.
No favorite TV show.
Nothing.

Yet, even without a "favorite" anything...she always loved whatever I would get her. Perhaps that was just her being my Mom. But anything I got her, she cherished.

Over the past 10 years or so, I came to learn that there were 3 things she particularly liked...one of those three, she LOVED.

She liked scented candles.

She liked toe socks.

And she LOVED chihuahuas...especially her own. Agape, Lazarus and Sarah were her babies. Of the three, Agape was MY favorite. I cried like a baby when he died. He was the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Sarah died a couple years ago, and she was truly my "Momma's girl". Sarah and my Mom were BFFs. When Sarah died, my Mom was crushed. Even in casual conversation if Sarah was mentioned my Mom's whole demeanor would change and I could actually SEE the sadness come over her. Eventually, I learned not to mention Sarah.

And then there was (and still is) Lazarus. My Mom called him her "Baby dog". Sweet sweet Lazarus. He now waits for my Mom to walk through the door again...not understanding that she never will.

So...as I said, my Mom loved her dogs, scented candles, and toe socks.

Although I couldn't get her a new dog each year for her birthday, I could (and DID) get her toe socks and candles. She never wanted or asked for anything, yet she was always so happy when I'd walk in with my simple little gifts. Yet what she enjoyed MOST OF ALL was the fact that I was THERE. Most days I wasn't able to stop by until after work. When I'd get to the house she was ALWAYS sleeping. My mother slept more than anyone I've ever known. But as soon as I'd get there, within minutes she'd be rounding the corner, find her spot in the living room, and would sit with me & the kids for as long as she could before she'd get tired again. I will always remember the words she would say as we'd get up to leave, "Thank y'all for coming over. I love ya, and I had a wonderful birthday". Even as I write these words I can still see her in the chair she sat in, and I can hear the words as if she's in my ear right now. Right now.

So...I may not have any idea about what her day was like today, when I said my morning prayer I asked God to give my Mom a special hug. I never ask Him to hug her FROM me, because honestly, I don't think she knows or remembers who I am. She won't know or remember me until I get to Heaven. At least that's what I believe. In my mind, knowing and remembering are forms of looking BACK here to Earth, and since Heaven is PURE joy, there's no way that anyone THERE would EVER want to look back HERE at all of the sadness, and evil that goes on in "the world". I don't really care to argue the point or convince me otherwise. In that regard I'm pretty set. And for that reason, I just ask God to give her a special hug. HE knows who it's from and for me, that's all that matters.

So there you have it. My Momma's birthday in a nutshell. Oh, and in case you were wondering...her favorite food was "grits and eggs".

As you can imagine, this has been a difficult day for me, and I sure could've used a hug or two...or three or four...

I miss my mother more than I ever imagined I would. And on THIS day, and EVERYDAY, I just want to see her face, hear her voice, and give her another hug. I miss my Mom greatly, and I look forward to the day when we are reunited...in Heaven, where we will NEVER have to say goodbye again...EVER.

To my Mom:
Thank you so much for giving me life and loving me!
Happy 64th Birthday!!
I LOVE YOU!!!


Let the DIALOGUE begin: What ARE (or WERE) YOUR Mom's 3 favorite things?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

The First of The "Firsts"

So today is Thanksgiving and I can say that I've made it through.

I wasn't sure how things were gonna go, but they went, and I'm ok.

For those who don't know...my Mom passed away 18 DAYS AGO, so this was my first Thanksgiving without her.

Everyone who's lost a close loved-one has told me that the "Year of Firsts" will be difficult.

For me they will be in this order:
Thanksgiving
Mom's Birthday
Christmas
Easter
Mother's Day
My Birthday

One down, five to go.

For the most part, pretty much everything felt the same today. We'd stopped gathering as a big family years ago, so I'd usually stop by in the evening for a bit. Wouldn't even eat dinner because I would've already eaten earlier. The visit was merely to stop by and hang out. That's what I did today. Primarily to check on my Dad & brothers to see how they were holding up. Everything was pretty much as it had always been. The only differences were that my Mom didn't come out of her room as she used to do when I'd arrive, and her physical presence was now in the form of ashes in a box, still packaged in a plastic bag with the mortuary's name on it.

That was a bit difficult to process. Knowing that all of my Mom in the PHYSICAL sense now fit into a box sitting on the coffee table. It's kind of ironic when I think about it. In life, my mother NEVER fit into a box...meaning society's box. She always beat to her own drum and was one of the most unique people I knew. Now...she fits into a box about 2 feet by 3 feet, if even that big.

Thankfully, I know that her spirit is no where near that box. Her spirit is eternally in Heaven with our Lord Jesus. And in that I find complete peace and comfort.

What will we do with her ashes? Who knows.

I think my Dad wants to put them in a nice urn. I'd love to sail out to sea and scatter them. Perhaps I'm being selfish in my suggestion because if the ashes were MINE, I'd most definitely want to be sprinkled in my favorite place...the ocean.

He needs time though and that's understandable. He feels the need to hold on to the ashes as a means of holding on to her. I get that. We all process death differently, so he's free to do what he pleases with her ashes if they bring him comfort.

So folks...there you have it.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you had a loved one cremated, and if so, what did you do with the ashes?

Talk to me!

Til next time...