16 Weeks

Heart's kinda heavy today. Wasn't really sure what to write about so since my Mom is in my thoughts EVERYDAY, I decided to write about her. Today marks week 16 since she left this life on Earth. Everyday hurts. Most people see me smiling and overall I am a genuinely happy person. But in those quiet moments (and I have LOTS of quiet moments), thoughts of my Mom occupy the empty spaces.

I just miss her.

I remember sitting by her bedside during those last months...sometimes just to watch her sleep. Many of those times she didn't even know I was there. She was sedated a lot...but I still just wanted to be by her side. Sometimes she'd open her eyes, see me, smile, and then go right back out. That was enough for me. I just needed her to know that I was there.

I remember her arms and how terribly bruised they were. Purple, black, blue...from being poked so many times. I was almost afraid to touch her because I knew that those bruises had to be painful. And she got so thin. My mom had always been a full-figured woman, but in the end...she was so small. Frail.

Sometimes I'd be visiting and nurses would come in to run tests, take another sample, do another poke...and they'd announce themselves to my sleeping mother, letting her know what they were about to do. I found that odd and considerate at the same time. She wouldn't respond and they'd then proceed to poke & prod her, while she remained asleep through it all.

I also remember putting on gown after gown, gloves and more gloves each time I went to see her. The very first time I had to "suit up", I felt like I was gonna melt. Everything made me so hot. Interestingly, after months of "suiting up" my body adjusted and the gloves and gowns just became additional pieces of clothing. No one should have to get used to that, but I did.

I always wonder what my Mom is doing in Heaven. I realize that I'll never know until I finally get there myself. I just know that she's happy, an she's not sick. Those two things are all that matter.

On Facebook I posted some pictures of my ancestors and her pics were of course included. Many pictures were of her as a little girl, about 5 years old...so sweet, so cute...my Momma.

Anyway...it's been 16 weeks and I'm beginning to realize that this just isn't something that one "gets over". At times I wonder if I should see a therapist, but I doubt that would do me any good. Seeing a therapist won't bring my Mother back, and I don't know that I'd really want her back anyway. Not here. Not in this messed up world we live in filled with hatred and injustice. I'd much rather get to where SHE is than to have her be back here. Although I am thankful for each day that God gives me, this life is HARD...so if I close them one night on THIS side and open them on the OTHER side...it will be well with my soul...really...it will be. Not trying to do anything to rush the process, but if the Lord so chooses, then so be it.

Now before I sign off, I'm gonna pat myself on the back and say CONGRATULATIONS TO ME for this being my 400th post!!!

. Although my blog hasn't taken off nearly the way that I had hoped when I began writing it in 2009, I do have a HANDFUL of faithful followers and for them, I am THANKFUL. Not sure what it's gonna take to gain WORLDWIDE RECOGNITION, all I know is that I must keep writing, because writing is what I do. Praying that I don't have to DIE in order to be discovered. I'd like to have my flowers while I yet live so that I can enjoy them. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there something that YOU'VE been doing for years that you're just waiting to take off yet it just hasn't happened yet?

Talk to me!

Til next time...