Happy 2nd Birthdaversary to Me!

January 29, 2009. Not a good day for me. Not a good day at all.

That was my 1st visit to the dreaded retina specialist. "Dr. Bad News" "Dr. Discouragement" "Dr. There's just no Hope"

The worst doctor visit of my life!

In a nutshell, he told me that I would more than likely lose my eyesight. Couldn't pinpoint exactly when, just shook his head and sent on my merry way.

That was exactly 2 years ago today and I thank God today and everyday for continual eyesight. My God created these eyes. My God opens these eyes every day. My God has HEALED these eyes. Hallelujia!!!

So I call January 29th my "Birthdaversary". It's the day that my life began all over again. It's the day when I began to truly live and SEE the beauty of each and everyday. And on this day each year, I simply reflect on the goodness of God and how He continues to keep me and my senses functioning properly.

All glory, honor and praise go to God and God alone!!!

Thank you Jesus for all that You have done, are doing, and will continue to do.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! In what way have YOU been healed by God?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Oh yeah...241.2 was the number today.

I'm bringing TALKING back!

Although technology has it perks, it's a major relationship killer. Texting and emailing are simply impersonal.

Ok, I get it if you're trying to reach your friends to find out where you're all gonna meet, you know...stuff like that.

But when it comes to discussing important matters (that I won't go into here), I say this: PICK UP THE PHONE, DIAL THE NUMBER AND TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!

Urgh!

I have this motto that I use when I'm fed up with the impersonalization of texting and emailing...it's simply this: I'm bringing TALKING back! That's it, simple, yet so complex.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Do you prefer texting over actual TALKING?

TALK to me (and if you have my number...CALL me)!

Til next time...

Who's Wii is it anyway?

I must say...texting and emailing can't hold a candle to actual VERBAL communication.

The tone just never quite comes over the way that it was probably intended. At least I'm hoping that's the case with the latest text that I just received.

So a few years ago I bought the kids a Wii for Christmas. Mind you, we don't play it everday, but when we get the urge to play, it's nice to know that it's here.

Well, as most children of parents who are no longer together, my kids leave our home and go visit their dad every other weekend. By the way, I HATE that arrangement! I didn't have kids with a man to have them only see him every other weekend. I had children with him so that we could raise them TOGETHER in the same home. But, I'll save that for another post on another day.

Anyhoo...so the kids are with their dad every other weekend. Well a while back my son decided to take the Wii with him. Fine. I had no problem with that. Until...it never came back home. For months, it was over there.

Well, with the dawning of a new year, I decided to get back into Wii Fit. I don't knwo about you, but it's a little tough for me to do Wii Fit when the Wii is somewhere else. So I had my son bring the Wii back home.

Today I get a text from his dad asking if "there's some reason why I won't let TJ take the Wii over there anymore?" Followed by, "It's cool, I'll just by him one for here". Like I'm trying to be mean spirited and evil for wanting our Wii in OUR home.

Seriously...does EVERYTHING have to be an issue? Everything???

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Who's Wii is it anyway? Okay...not really. How 'bout this...Have you ever had anything from your home disappear and find residency in another home?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

P.S. - the weight today is 239. Down from last week, but still too much.

Psalm 34:1

So today I thought I'd do a little something different. Instead of complaining about all the things that are wrong in my life, I want to focus on the fact that I am BLESSED, regardless of my circumstance.

Although I am completely unfulfilled in my current job, I am BLESSED to have a job.
My son broke his arm last month and thanks to the fact that I have a job, my insurance covered the majority of the expense. Without my job, who knows how much it would have cost. I tell you this much, it would have cost more that what I have.

Although I only have $9.00 in my bank account right now, I am BLESSED.
We have enough food to get us through the week, and I have enough spare change to pay for gas so that I can get to work these next 4 days. The lights are on and we are sleeping in our own beds in our own home. Not many could make it on the little that we have, but I know that God is a provider...always has been, always will be, so I'm not worried.

Although I'm single with no prospects of a boyfriend or husband in sight, I am BLESSED. Yes, a man in my life would be nice, but I realize that this life may just consist of "me, myself and I" for the rest of my life. Ya know what...I love me, and I'm okay with living with just me if God so chooses. I don't understand why He's chosen for me to be alone and I've gotten tired of asking. So, it is what it is, and whatever it is...I'm still BLESSED.

As I type the letters on this screen I can see each and every letter as it shows up. I am BLESSED. People take for granted the fact that they are able to SEE. Some people have never once given thought to the fact that when they open their eyes they are able to see. I never EVER take my eyesight for granted. I thank God for the ability to see each and every morning when I wake up, and every night when I lay my head down to go to sleep. May after you read this, you should too.

Oh, I could go on and on, but for now, I will just leave it at this: I will bless the Lord at ALL times!

Rich, Poor, Employed, Unemployed, Single, Married, Sick, or Healthy...I WILL Bless the Lord at ALL times.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Do you bless the Lord when things are going well? How 'bout when they're not going so well?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Sweetbitter Sunday

Here we are again. Coming to the end of another "sweetbitter" Sunday.

Yes, I know that the more common term is "bittersweet" but for me, the sweet comes before the bitter, so that's how I choose to describe it.

Sweet, because I love what Sunday represents. The day that we go to God's house to offer praise and worship unto Him. The day that I get to just hang out with my family and chill. Sunday, I love it...until...

Sunday evening rolls around. Which is right about now. This is where the bitter comes in. Where the depression sets in and I just don't want to move. Because as every minute passes I'm getting closer and closer to being back in "hell". Yes, I said it...HELL. That's what my job is. Absolute, never ending torment. And it just gets worse day after day, week after week, month after month. I even had a manager openly admit to me that if I think things are bad now (and they are), they're only going to get worse. No light at the end of the tunnel. No "just hang on, things'll get better". Nope, none of that. Well, at least she didn't lie to me.

I really think that the issues at my job are designed to make me want to quit. But I won't do it. If I quit, then my family suffers, and I don't want them to suffer any more than they already do.

And it's not like I'm not trying. Most people would have given up a long time ago and just said "screw it". But that's not me. No, I still go in everyday, do my best, and like a hamster on a treadmill, I'm getting nowhere. Can't keep up with all the emails. Can't keep up with the calls. Just can't keep up. Used to be able to. But that's when my position was a reasonable position that one person could successfully fulfill. Now, my position requires at least THREE people in order to be performed successfully, and that's just not happening.

So, I suffer and dread Mondays...and Tuesdays...and Wednesdays...and Thursdays. Fridays are only bearable because I know that it's the last day of the week that I have to endure, and then...two blissful days away from the madness.

Even as I'm typing, I know that I need to logon and see what awaits me tomorrow, and/or stay up all night to do what I can to have a clean slate in the morning. The problem is...the slate is never clean anymore. There's just too much for one person...waaay too much.

And before you go yelling at me, I'll say now what I've said before...Yes...I'm grateful to have a job. Yes, I know that thousands of the unemployed would love to have my job. I get it. That doesn't change the situation, yet I do get it.

So...enough of my ranting and raving about my job. Now it's time for you to chime in:

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Are you working? If so, is your company hiring?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

242.2

Yes folks, 242.2

That was the lovely number on the scale this morning. Don't trip though, 'cause I'm not.

I'm well aware that the number went up from last week to this. And I'll tell you, this is the story of my life. Weight loss has always been an uphill battle for me and probably will be for the rest of my life. Some women are just natural destined to be thin regardless of what they eat or how much (or little) they excercise. This is not the case for me.

Contrary to what YOU may be thinking, I don't stuff my face with cookies, candy, ice cream, and fattening fried foods. Nope if you and I dined together, you'd see that my diet is quite healthy. As a matter fact, this past week I didn't have any of the above, nor any meat, yet...the weight went up.

Not that I'm one for excuses, because I'm not, but there are three factors that I am sure have contributed to the gain.

1. Hormonal changes (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about)
2. My sedentary job (yes, I'm a "cubee" surrounded by cloth covered gray walls 8 hours a day. Only gettin up to go pee and maybe take a 30 minute lunch break. Most days though, lunch is right there at that desk)
3. Lack of physical activity. By the time I get home from work each night it's usually already 7 or 8 o'clock. Some days, later. And the emotional drain from my job leaves me with absolutely NO energy to do anything except "decompress" to get the day's happenings off of me.

So, with all that said, what will I do to ensure that the number goes down by next Saturday? Don't really know.

Guess you'll just have to tune in next Saturday to see what happens.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Is your job making you fat?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

SMH

Sunday. One of my favorite days of the week.

Although I fully understand that when it comes to praising and worshipping God, I can do that anywhere and any time of day. However, there is something special about actually going to church, "God's house", and fellowshipping with others.

We always begin our Sunday service with "Praise and Worship". That's our way of ushering in the Spirit. Kinda like telling God, "Okay...we're ready for You. Come on in." Not that anyone has to invite God into His own house, but hopefully, you understand what I'm talking about.

For me, "Praise and Worship" is a time for me to just reflect. Think about the absolute goodness of God and all that He means to me. Once the reflection begins, I find it hard to stay in my seat. Quite honestly, I CAN'T stay in my seat. I have to get up, clap my hands, and sing unto the Lord as loudly as I know how. I want Him to hear me. I need Him to hear me.

With all that said, I find it absolutely sad and disappointing to see others at church who just sit with their arms folded, week after week, month after month, year after year, as if God has done absolutely NOTHING for them, and they don't have a reason to praise Him. To that, I shake my head and say, HELLOOO!!! If you were able to walk into church on your own two feet, then YOU have something to praise Him for! If you can HEAR the songs and the message that's being delivered, then YOU have something to praise Him for! If you came in here with clothes on your body, and had a little something to eat before service, or will go have something to eat after service, then YOU have something to praise Him for! Oh, and if you didn't have ANY of THOSE things, yet He woke you up to see the beauty of another day...guess what...YOU have something to praise Him for.

Get my point?

After all of the goodness, grace, mercy, etc, etc, that God has given to each and every one of us, I just don't understand how people can "sit on God". Seriously!!!

Now I realize that not everybody praises and worships the same way. I get that. But COME ON...every now and then, it wouldn't hurt to just show God a little bit of gratitude. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oh, and for those who say, "I'm not a Christian, so this doesn't pertain to me." Ummm...I've got a little news for YOU my friend...Psalm 150:6 says: Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!

Did you catch that? Not, "Let every believer in Christ praise the Lord", no...it says Let everything that has breath...

So, my question is this: ARE YOU BREATHING???

Do I sound a little upset? Maybe it's because I am. God is too good to just sit on. Get up people! Clap your hands. Move your feet. Sing praises unto God, for He is worthy. So so worthy.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Are you a Praiser, a Worshipper, or both?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

239.6 (or something like that)

Ok, so I weighed myself this morning but I forgot to write down the number. It was either 239.6 or 238.6

I figured I'd go with the higher number. Still too much. Still enough for most of you to say DAYUM, but...less than last week. Still have a long way to go. I'll get there.

Now, on a separate note:

Friday was my company's holiday party. I wasn't sure if I was going to go because I wasn't feeling very "festive" and I didn't have a "+1" to go with.

I didn't decide to go until the last minute. And I mean the very last minute. But once I got there, I was glad that I decided to go. The meal was okay (could've been seasoned a little more but it was good nonetheless). But after the meal came the fun part...DANCING.

Okay...by my weight you can tell that I'm a pretty big girl. For years I would let my size keep me off the dance floor. I thought, "Who wants to see ALL this flappin' around on the dance floor?" Well, that was many years and negative thoughts ago and now, I get my big butt out there and have a good time.

Wanna know why? I'll tell you.

LIFE IS SHORT!!! Seriously, Life is short and I believe that it's meant to be LIVED. Regardless of size. I mean really...why should thin people be the only ones who enjoy life? If that were the case then it would mean that the life of a fat person is worthless. Well, I'm here to tell ya...that ain't true! I know, that wasn't very grammatically correct, but you got my point, didn't you?

No...every life has value! Every life is worth being lived. Fat, skinny, short, tall, ugly, pretty, smart, not so smart, rich, poor...EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE!

And so, for that reason, I get out there on that dance floor and "sweat my hair out". For those who don't know what that means...in Black culture it means that your hair starts out straight and by the end of the night it's "napped up" again, which is just a sign that you've had a really really good time ;-)

In addition to dancing all night, I also grabbed the microphone and sang. Yes! I sang. Next to writing, my favorite thing to do is SING.

We had a really cool DJ and when a song came on that I liked, I asked him if it was to sing, he handed me the mic, and I belted that song out like nobody's business. Again, many years and negative thoughts ago I would've NEVER done that, for fear of what others might think. Guess what!!! I don't care what anyone thinks!

This is MY life, and I may not be here tomorrow. I may not be here 5 minutes from now. So...I live EVERY moment of my life as if it were my last. And I love it!!! I believe that this is the way that God intended for us to live. Otherwise, what would be His purpose for creating us?

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Are you living your life to the fullest, or are you letting the "potential thoughts of others" keep you from doing things that you really want to do?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Writer's Block

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Today, YOU pick the topic.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Meat, No Meat

I'm trying something a little different this year. I did it for a while last year and enjoyed it. Thought I'd try again this year, at the beginning of the year so that I can keep track of when I started, along with the results if there are any.

So I decided to go semi-vegetarian. Nothing hard core. Just abstaining from meat consumption every other day.

I began on January 1st. That was my "meat day" although, interestingly enough, I didn't eat any meat that day. Yesterday was a "no meat day", so that would make today a...you guessed it...(man you're smart), a "meat day".

Not sure if I'll reap any health benefits by reducing my meat consumption, but it'll be an interesting experiment.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Are you, or have you ever been a vegetarian? If so, did you reap any health benefits in the process?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Out On A Limb

Get this!!!

I know that I've already published a post for today but I just couldn't pass this one up. No way, no how!

So as you know from last Sunday's post, my favorite singer of all time...Teena Marie passed away in her sleep. I was heartbroken. Man, I loved her!

So for the past seven days, I've not listened to the radio, nor my iPod because I wasn't ready to hear any of her music. I just wanted to give myself time to think, reflect and accept the fact that she's gone.

So just about 10 minutes ago, I plug in my iPod so that it can charge, and I went about cleaning the kitchen. Then...out of NOWHERE, I start hearing her sing. Her who? Her TEENA! She was singing. I stopped to figure out where her voice was coming from. I only plugged the iPod in. I didn't turn it on or push play. I looked down, and there it was...Pandora was playing. I hadn't turned Pandora on either. And the very first song that Pandora played was Out on A Limb by Teena Marie. Get OUT!!!

Freaky? Yes. But I just took that as God saying to me, "She's okay. And she knows that YOU were her #1 fan. This one's for you baby girl."

So I sang at the top of my lungs, and thanked God for the gift that He gave me in the person of none other that Lady T...Teena Marie. We WILL meet again.

Let the DIALOGUE being (for the 2nd time today) Who was your favorite musical artist? Are they still with us today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

BE Better, DO Better, HAVE Better!

For a person who walks through this life alone, it really doesn't help to write a blog that no one reads or comments on. Nevertheless, here I am once again with my thougts. No matter what, I will not quit!

So as I mentioned a few days ago, my motto for 2011 is this:
BE Better, DO Better, HAVE Better

So simple, yet profound. And I made it up all by mahself. So when you start seeing it on T-shirts, remember...you heard it here FIRST.

So what does that all mean? Well, let me break it down for you.

BE Better:This means that I want to BE better than I am now. BE healthier. BE happier. BE more productive. BE loved.

DO Better:
This means, first and foremost (aren't those the same thing), that I want to DO better by God. I don't feel like I'm giving Him all of me, yet I know that I should be. I need to love Him with all my heart, mind, soul. That's everything. I think sometimes that I put my desire to love and be loved by "man", ahead of my need to love and be love by Him.

I want to DO better for my children. I'm tired of struggling and they're tired of watching me struggle. As it is right now, today is the 2nd of January and I have no idea how we are going to pay the rent or the two past due car payments that are looming overhead. Although I am trusting in God because I know that He requires my full and complete trust, I also know that He needs me to do my part and find a way to pay these bills. Right now, I'm outta ideas.

I want to DO better for myself and work toward that which will ultimately make me happy while I'm here on this earth. Guess that's why I keep coming back to the blog. THIS, makes me happy.

HAVE Better:
As long as I do the first two (BE better, DO Better), I know for a fact that the third will come. I will HAVE better. No doubt about it!
Have a better place to live. Have a better job. Have more love to give, and one day...yes one day...have more love coming my way.

So that's pretty much it in a nutshell. In 2011 I will BE better, DO better, HAVE better.

We're only 2 days into the new year and already I've hit a snag. Dealing with someone who refuses to forgive and forget something that happened in the past. Yes, once again, the past has reared its ugly little head.

But that's not gonna stop me or get me down. And it's certainly not going to make me cry. Oh no my friends...there is absolutely NO crying on the 2nd day of the year. Absolutely NONE.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! What do you want to do this year...BE Better, DO Better or HAVE Better?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

241.8

Happy New Year!

I'm so thankful that God allowed me to close the door on 2010 and saw fit to me walk into 2011.

And there's a whole lotta me walkin' in. 241.8 pounds of me. Okay...go ahead and say it...no really...I'll wait. This is where you say "241.8 pounds...DAMN!!!"

Yes, it's a lot. And I'm probably crazy for posting my weight here for all the world to see, (but since nobody reads the blog anyway this'll probably be my best kept secret).

The real reason why I've posted that horrendous number is because I don't plan on weighing that much for much longer, nor ever again. From here on out, there's only one direction that that number will go, and that's DOWN.

As disgusted as I am about being this heavy, I recognize WHY I'm this big and know that I have to change some things so the the weight will start to come off. Yeah, yea, I know...diet & exercise are key. I've heard this more times than I can count, and I agree. However, I also know that things have to change in my work situations because my job is the key reason for all of the weight. At the very minimum, I'm carry 50 pounds of sheer STRESS. Yes, STRESS. In addition to my hair falling out, sleepless nights, and anxiety attacks at work, weight gain has been a physical result of the stressful and unfulfilling position that I am in at work. Ya think I'm making this up? Nope! There was a woman in my office who got laid off back in April of last year. She came into the office a couple of weeks ago and was HALF the size that she was when she worked there. Her response: "I don't work here any more. This place was too stressful and made me fat." Yep! She hit the nail on the head with that one.

So anyway...in addition to diet & exercise, I'm going to work on ways to relieve the stress that my job brings and will work toward things that bring me joy.

So along with saying goodbye to 2010, as of today, I will also be saying goodbye to 241.8 pounds...one pound at a time.

Join me on my journey. Keep me accountable. And encourage me from time to time if you will.

Let the DIALOGUE begin (for the 1st time in 2011)! Are you fat? If so, why? Do you believe that a job can make you fat?

Talk to me!

Til next time...