Still Tired

Although I'd love to post a new blog everyday, one of the reasons why I don't is because I'm not sure if YOU are ready for everything that I have to say.

I realize that it really shouldn't matter. After all, these are MY thoughts, however...I want YOU to chime in and add your feedback, so I can't go runnin' you off. The more that I write though, the more I realize that I haven't been as authentic as I'd like to be.

So today, I'm doing something a little different. Today, I'm being completely transparent...puttin' it all out there .

I've got two things on my mind. One I'll just briefly mention and will blog about more in depth at a later date. The other, I'll speak on today.

The first one pertains to "reaching out"...again. When will I learn? Will I ever learn? When will I stop giving to a person who's not giving back to me? Twice, within the last month I've reached out to a particular individual and both times, my arms have been left empty. Leaves me wondering...does this person even REALIZE that I'm reaching out? Certainly they're not so "cold" to KNOW that I'm reaching out, yet they are purposefully not reaching back...certainly that's not the case. At least I hope not. That would just be too hurtful to accept. So I'm going to pretend that they just don't know. You know...give 'em that whole "benefit of the doubt" thing. And...I'm not reaching out anymore until this person reaches out to me for a change. So...we'll just have to wait and see if that happens.

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Today though, my focus is (once again) on being tired. And tired I am. I don't mean tired in the sense that I need more sleep, but tired in the sense that I feel like a hamster on a treadmill going absolutely nowhere.

Shouldn't I be a little farther in life than I am now?

I'm tired. Tired of struggling. And no...this isn't meant to be a "pity party", it's simply ME...being transparent and authentic, as I said I would.

In most of my posts I try to put on a happy face. But if you could see the face as I'm writing you'd realize that it's far from happy most times. I'm tired. Tired of going to work everyday, only to pay bills (and even those aren't getting paid because there's just not enough money). And before you start lecturing me on how I should be thankful to have a job...YES...I get it, and I am. Although it makes me wonder sometimes how it is that people who are out of work are doing better than I am and I go to work EVERYDAY. I know people who've been unemployed for years yet they're always "vacationing". Either something's very wrong with our unemployment system or these people know something that I don't. Seems like working people should be just a smudge better off than those who are unemployed. Yet, I can't tell the difference.

My children and I live very humbly. We have a very modest home, drive the least expensive car on the market, don't go out to movies, don't go out for dinner, don't go on vacations, or shop regularly for clothes. We just don't have the funds for any of that.

I get paid twice a month. It takes one whole check and a portion of the 2nd just to cover rent. That leaves very little for utilities, car payment, gas, groceries, and phones. Very very little. And what little there is goes to those things and not much more. It's not supposed to be this way.

Every now and then I go out with my friends for dinner & a movie. But that's not often. Most times if I'm out with friends we are at one of their homes. Thankfully, we know how to have fun with each other without having to spend a penny. That's when you KNOW that a friendship is true...when just being in each other's company guarantees a good time. If the two of you are reading this...you know who you are :-)

Yet I'm often led to wonder...what am I doing wrong? Why aren't I further ahead? Why does it seem like I'm going backward instead of forward? This isn't what I'd planned for myself but I'm trying to make the best of it. At the same time, I know that I was destined for better. I can't believe that God put me here to go through life alone. I can't believe that God put me here to live my life "paycheck to paycheck", with nothing left over. Yet I understand that my ways are not His ways, so I have to trust that He's working things out for my good even though I'm not there yet.

Yes, I'm tired.

Let the DIALOGUE begin! Are you where you want to be at this point in your life?

Talk to me!

Til next time...