Lemons, Sugar and Water

Life's been kinda crappy for me lately. Especially in the past month. Especially these past few days. That's alright though. The lower folks try to kick me down, the higher up I bounce.

One thing's for sure...I am really getting tired of always being the one reaching out to repair messes that I didn't even create. Always the peacekeeper. For what?!?

Contrary to what people may think, I am NOBODY'S doormat. Never have been. Never will be. People mistake my kindness for weakness, but I assure you...there's NOTHING weak about ME. I am RESILIENT. I get knocked down more than most folks I know, but my God continues to lift me up, He always will.

There's that old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well I have a whole ORCHARD of lemons and I'm doing something far better with them than making lemonade. Although I would REALLY love to squeeze them in the eyes of some folks, as the picture suggests...that's not how I roll.

When I'm wrong, I admit that I'm wrong. That's what ADULTS do. But when I have BEEN wronged (no matter how small the offense), I expect for others to acknowledge their wrongdoing. If they choose not to, that simply means that I never meant anything to them...not now, not ever.

SO (inhale, exhale...breathe), Let the DIALOGUE begin: What do YOU do when life gives YOU lemons?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I'm so Becky!

Last night, I spent time with some of my family members who were visiting from Ohio, my Mom's side of the family.

Oh what a time we had!

It was so nice to sit and talk about family members who are no longer here, and the great times we had as kids. We went through old photos and my cousin went around the room and gathered info from everyone so that he could update our ancestry.com family tree.

Two of the highlights for me were hanging with my cousin Resa, who loves to talk as much as I do! It was awesome!!! There were times when she would actually stop and say, "Wait, was that ME talking, or YOU?" HILARIOUS!!!

The other highlight was having so many people say how much like my mother I am...especially in looks. Yes, I am most definitely my mother's twin and the older I get, the more evident that becomes.

Interestingly, in personality, she and I are NOTHING alike. My Mom was a pistol...a spitfire. I, am quite the opposite. I wish I had more of her fire, more of her spunk, more of her "I don't give a f*ck what you think about me, this is me...PERIOD!" Man, I wish I had more of that.

Little by little, I'm developing that spunk. What I'm learning as a result is that friends drop off like flies when you start standing up for who you are and what you believe. On my Mom's last day, she didn't leave behind many friends, but EVERYBODY know what my Mother was about, and that she didn't take no mess...from ANYBODY.

So...as I get older, I hope to have more people notice how much like my Mom I am becoming. Not just in looks, but in personality. I am sick of taking sh*t from people, and it's about time that changes.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you anything like YOUR Mom, either in personality or looks, or both?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

How would you feel if I...

I AM TIRED.

So very tired.

Tired of being misunderstood.

Tired of having to explain my feelings when they are pretty clear.

Tired of right being wrong and wrong being right.

Tired of being made to feel that MY feelings don't matter, or that they are unwarranted.

Tired.

I am one of the easiest people for most folks to figure out. What you see is what you get. Life is just simpler that way. Yet as a result of "just being ME", I am again...MISUNDERSTOOD, and TIRED!

There is waaay too much going on in my world right now (crap that would BREAK most people), for me to have to justify my feelings. Waaay waaay too much. I just can't do it.

Right now, my energy (ALL OF IT) has to be focused on this crumbling world around me...and how to keep it from falling apart further.

If folks decide to walk away from me while it's crumbling, or throw some of the debris AT me, that's their prerogative. But for those who actually know me (TRULY know me) to be a decent person (which I know I am)...feel free to pick up some of these bricks I'm carrying. There are plenty to go around. How? By being mindful of your actions. Before you do something, ask yourself, "How would I feel if someone did this to me?" If the answer is, "betrayed"...then DON'T DO IT. Simple. And if you're unsure...ASK the person first how they would feel about you doing "xyz". ASK! Not AFTER you do it, but BEFORE.

I've heard it said, "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." I wholeheartedly disagree. Whoever came up with that is full of crap. If you ask PERMISSION first, THAT will alleviate the need for FORGIVENESS. Doing things the other way around just causes problems, especially when the action will possible effect someone else...negatively.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU were misunderstood? Once you explained yourself, did that clear things up, or did the person who misunderstood you simply close their ears to any further understanding?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Cha Ching!

I did it!

Or should I say...I didn't do it.

In honor of boycotting "Black Friday", I didn't spend one red cent on ANYTHING today. Mind you, big business isn't gonna miss my little "woulda been" purchases today, but if ALL Black people had kept their dollars in their pockets today, then a real impact would have been seen and felt.

I dunno. Black folks are always making demands and crying out for change and social justice, but when asked to hold back on purchasing items (that we really don't need anyway), "the cause" goes right out the window...and "big business" is laughing all the way to the bank.

Anyway...I did MY part, as small as that part was. My conscious is clear. At the very least, I can say that I tried.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How many Black Friday deals to you take advantage of today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Accidental Discovery

Yesterday I had to do something that I didn't want to do, but knew that it had to be done. It was really the first of a few things that NEED to be done. Of course, I have been procrastinating because this process is a bit painful, but as I have prayed and asked for God's direction, I know that I have to be obedient and heed His instructions.

So as I was going through my phone, deleting photos and text messages, one of the steps in the process was to change the cover photo on my phone. I decided to replace what WAS with a nice serene photo of "My Place of Peace", or as most call it,"the beach."

Interestingly though, it had been sooo long since I last changed my phone's cover photo (maybe it's called the 'Home Screen'), I had to fiddle with the settings to find out how to do it.

As I was fiddling I made quite a discovery. This may seem small to most folks, but it was pretty HUGE to me. I discovered that in my "widgets", there is a FLASHLIGHT. What?!? Yes...a FLASHLIGHT. It's not an app that I downloaded to my phone...apparently it came WITH the phone.

Now I've had my phone for almost 2 years and never knew that it had a flashlight. Every night when I get ready to go to bed, I turn off the lights in the living room and press the button on my phone that lights up the screen just enough for me to see my way to the bedroom. For almost TWO YEARS I've been doing that! Now, thanks to my latest discovery, I won't have to do that anymore.

Now, most folks would just end the discovery there. Whoo hoo...found the flashlight on my phone...no big deal.

But y'all know me. I see lessons and messages from God in pretty much everything. This flashlight discovery was no different.

The lesson I learned last night was that sometimes we place our focus on something that is so much of a distraction that we are unable to see anything else. And it isn't until we remove the distraction that we can then see what else has been waiting to be seen, and or discovered.

Had I not decided to change the cover pic on my phone, who knows if I would have ever discovered the flashlight.

In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, there are many more changes that I know I must make. Changes I don't want to make, yet changes I need to make...unless God directs me otherwise. At this point though, and in this particular situation, I have said...as I should have said long ago, "Not MY will, but THY will be done." Perhaps my prayers have gone against what God wants for me, and that is why I have ended up in this place. So I have decided to surrender to His will. As painful as that is for me, because I am afraid that His will may NOT match mine. Ultimately, I have to trust and believe that His will is best.

For those who believe and pray in the name of Jesus...please say a prayer for me if you will. And while you're at it, please say one for my Dad as well. We both need your prayers...for very different reasons, yet we both need them. Thank you in advance.

Now...with tear-filled eyes...Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU made an "accidental discovery?"

Talk to me!

Til next time...

What's Cookin'?

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I couldn't care less.

I give thanks to God for His many blessings EVERYDAY of the year. It's the very first thing I do EVERY morning, and the very last thing I do EVERY night. And throughout the day there are many more thanks and praises sprinkled in. So for me, Thanksgiving is "just another day."

What tomorrow means to me, more than anything, is a much needed day off...followed by ANOTHER much needed day off. This is the 4 day weekend that I look forward to every year. Vacation days are so few and far between for me (and it seems that they accumulate like molasses), so when these 4 days come around I am absolutely ELATED.

I won't be cooking, but I have plenty of salmon and veggies to keep me perfectly happy if that's what I end up eating tomorrow.

I dunno.

Maybe I don't care much about Thanksgiving because my Mom is no longer here. But even when she was, we didn't do anything big or fancy. She and my dad had stopped cooking "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner YEARS ago. When I think about it...I did too.

I made a turkey and all the fixin's last year, and the turkey was terrible. Tough. Tasteless. Terrible. There was no LOVE in it at all. We had just had my Mom's homegoing service a couple days earlier and my mind was really not in the right place to prepare a big family dinner.

I picked up some things this evening to take to one of the homes that I've been invited to, and I might not even eat when I get there. I'm just not feeling Thanksgiving-ish AT ALL.

My kids were gonna by a bunch of food and have me cook it so that we could have Thanksgiving here at home, but I quickly vetoed that. I don't want to COOK, and I don't want to EAT. I just want to BE. As I write those words I realize that it's probably selfish of me to NOT cook. But it's not like they're not going to have Thanksgiving dinner...they're just not going to have it here.

Who knows. I might just find myself at the beach again. I'm guaranteed to have the place to myself again. There's so much I need to talk with the Lord about, and although I know I can talk to Him anywhere, the beach always makes our time together so very special. We'll see.

So anywhoo...that'll be my day tomorrow. I'm sure that I will attend Thanksgiving service at my church, but aside from that, the rest of the day is pretty much up in the air.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you COOKING Thanksgiving dinner, or will you be dining with others at their homes?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

On This Day...

On this day one year ago, we said our final "public" farewell to my Mom.

I still remember all of the stress that led up to the day. Never before had I had to make "arrangements" for anyone. I had simply attended Homegoing services, but never PLANNED one. There was so much to be done, and I was barely one month into my new job so I couldn't take time off. Everything pretty much had to be handled when I got of work. It was EXHAUSTING!!!

Figuring out when and where the service would be held was probably my biggest disappointment. I really really (can I say really one more time) wanted MY pastor to officiate the service at so that my church family could attend. Unfortunately, my church already had a big event planned for the day that my Dad wanted to have the service, so NO ONE from my church was able to attend. The event that day was MANDATORY and ALL MEMBERS had to be in attendance. To this day, that still hurts. I know that it wasn't planned that way intentionally, but my Mom was only going to have ONE Homegoing service. That was pretty big deal to me and my family. But...as with so many things, I had to "suck it up", "put on my big girl pants" and understand that nothing was going to change, so we had to proceed as planned. Thankfully, some of my former church members were able to attend and in that, I found comfort.

We decided to have the service at my brother's church, and his pastor officiated. All in all, (although he arrived QUITE late), it all worked out.

Getting the obituary done...that was difficult. Two years before my Mom passed, she had already written it. Just as my mother was UNIQUE and unlike anyone else you'll ever meet in you life...so too was her obituary.

Getting it put into the format that she had written, along with including pictures was quite a task...and EXPENSIVE.

Flowers. Do you have any idea how much floral arrangements cost...in addition to WHERE one is supposed to get said floral arrangement? Well it turns out that the best deal on pretty much ANYTHING is Downtown L.A. So that's where I heady. The area was a bit "seedy" but hey, I needed these flowers...and...I got 'em.

Then there was the repast. Where would that be held. Thankfully, my cousins opened up their home and we all had a very nice gathering in honor of my Mom.

I was a mess...a stressed out mess!

And then there was "Joe." Poor Joe. I remember one day he called, and I may have said "Hello?", which was followed by him asking how I was doing, and just like that...the floodgates opened and I dumped EVERYTHING on him. Once I was done and he did what he could to calm me down, he proceeded to tell me that he had been in an accident that day. I felt like such an ass.

I had spent so much time whining and complaining about MY problems, it never dawned on me to ask how things were going with him. Thankfully he was hurt in the accident...his car just had a few bumps. Even with my mood swings and high stress levels, he was right by my side the entire day of the service. Picked me up that morning, told me everything would be okay, brought me home that night and still told me that everything would be ok. I thank God for him EVERYDAY.

So much has happened from that day until now. I miss my Mom somethin' awful. It's a feeling that I just can't describe and as shallow as it sounds, I just don't think that anyone other than someone whose Mom has passed can truly understand. There's just an empty space that my Mom used to fill and nothing else can fill it.

Nevertheless, I still rejoice in knowing that she is not in any more pain. For the past year and 13 days, she has experienced joy, UNSPEAKABLE JOY. Knowing that, I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever had to plan a funeral...or as we Christians call it...a Homegoing service? If so, how did it go?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Take What Ya Momma Gave Ya!

A few years back, I was at my parent's house for a visit and I noticed that my Mom had this big ol' stack of towels in the living room. I asked why she had so many and she told me that they were on sale so she bought a bunch. After bringing them home she realized that she had waaay too many. I thought so too.

I told her that if she had the receipt, she should take the extras back. She said no, she didn't want to be bothered with going back.

I offered to return them and she still said no. Just seemed like too much hassle.

Then she told ME to take some of the extras.

I said, thanks, but no thanks, because they were purple and NOTHING in my bathroom (nor my home for that matter) was purple. My color scheme (if we can call it that) is Blue and Brown. Purple just wouldn't go.

After some back and forth, she insisted that I take them, so I agreed and brought five of them home with me.

Fast forward to present day. My Mom is no longer here, but EVERY TIME I look at or use one of those dag-gone purple towels, I think of her. Yes...I'm so glad that I listened.

Who knew then that something as simple as a towel would trigger memories of my Mom.

So in case you're wondering what the lesson of this story is, I'll tell you: ALWAYS take what your Mom wants you to have! Trust me, one day when she's gone, you'll be glad you did.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What has YOUR Mom "urged" you to take that you didn't really want to, but now you're glad you did?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

To the Cornfield!!!

Yesterday I got into a bit of a Facebook tiff with one of my "acquaintances". This woman has got to be one of THE MOST argumentative people on the planet. Yesterday was just one of MANY times that she has challenged something I said because my POSITIVITY goes against her PESSIMISM.

Due the the lack of response that I received from my request on Thursday to help my friend out financially, I posted the following yesterday morning:

"How would you feel if you knew you had the opportunity to help someone out of a very bad situation, yet you chose not to and that person's situation became exponentially worse?
Think about that for a moment and then PLEASE help me help my friend. I wouldn't keep asking if this wasn't important. PLEASE help."

Well...she had to chime in and say that if the situation was going to be "exponentially worse" then it's too late to help anyway, so what's the point. And...WHY would she (or anybody) want to help a stranger...yadda, yadda, yadda. NEGATIVE.

Now for those who know me...I mean REALLY know me, they know that I don't do negativity. There is simply no room for it in my heart, nor on my Facebook page...so I deleted her comment.

Apparently, she was monitoring the post because she then came back and saw that her comments had been deleted, to which she then proceeded to call me a "manipulative piece of work". Why? Because I choose to control MY Facebook page. Call me what you will (I've been called worse), but I don't have to have that mess on my page if I don't want it. It was taking away from the whole point of the post, so it had to go.

She later came back with even MORE negativity and at that point I not only deleted the newest comment, but made it so that she could no longer see the post. I mean REALLY...some people just LOOK for a fight. I don't operate that way. Just as I do not watch horror movies because I believe that we need to control the images that are put in our minds, I also don't let negativity in. If I can control it in any way...it has GOT TO GO!

Yesterday's antics reminded me of the Twilight Zone episode where Anthony sends "bad things" to the cornfield. Man...I sure wish I had a cornfield yesterday!!!

Interestingly, I thought she would have "unfriended" me after yesterday. I thought about "unfriending" her, but then I thought, "Why do that?" I'm gonna keep letting my Light shine, and maybe some of it will seep into her darkness.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How do YOU deal with negative people in your life?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Money's Too Tight to Mention!!!

This morning I posted the following on Facebook:

"Q: How do you eat a $3500 elephant?
A: 100 $35 bites at a time.
I need help. I wouldn't think of asking ONE person for $3500 but perhaps 99 of you can GIVE (because I am unable to pay it back) $35 each.
Most of you know that I am a VERY private person and wouldn't get to this point of asking for help if I didn't really need it. Some suggested that I pawn some items but I'd have to HAVE something of value in order to pawn it. I don't have any. I live humbly and have very little.
For those who are struggling financially, PLEASE disregard this message. But for those who CAN spare it, YOUR generosity is greatly appreciated.
If you need to know what I need the $ for, it's to help a really good and deserving friend who is simply out of options. Most of you know me well enough to know that if I *could* help on my own, I *would*. Unfortunately, I just can't -- aside from $35 that I *am* able to offer (because I would never ask others to more than I am able to do myself).
Please keep any negative/unhelpful comments to yourselves. I'm sure that many will have unfavourable opinions about this post. I don't need those right now...I just need help for my friend.
Thank you in advance. For those who are able and willing, please message me and I'll give you my info.
1 John 3:17"

I know that seems a bit out of the ordinary, but my friend's situation is EXTRAordinary, and I wasn't gonna sit back and not do anything when I know how greatly HELP is needed.

Unfortunately, but not very surprising...only TWO people responded. Out of 500+ "friends" (I know 500 isn't a lot compared to most, but this isn't a popularity contest...at least not for me), only TWO responded. That prompted me to write the following post, which I've just decided to share here because the same folks who ignored my earlier plea would just ignore this one as well. But, for poops and giggles, here it is:

"Out of 500+ "FB friends", I am sooo thankful for the TWO who took time to even respond to my earlier post about my friend in need. May God bless those two with the best that Heaven has to offer. If folks even knew the HALF of my friend's situation, more would've offered to help. It's pretty DIRE otherwise I wouldn't have taken such a drastic measure. All the time people complain about what's wrong in society. Well...THIS is what's wrong!

*Disappointed, but not surprised.*"

Yep...that sure is what I wanted to post.

So at this point I simply have to trust that all will turn out well for my friend. I wish I could help...really I do, but I just don't understand why it's so difficult for other folks to help. Perhaps if I said that I needed the money for myself, then folks would've stepped up. After all...many did that when I was unemployed with ZERO money coming in. My friends stepped up royally. Sure...I could have said that this time it's for me too...but that's dishonest and the last thing I need are ill-gotten gains.

At this point I will continue to pray for my friend, yet although I know that prayer works, I also know that sometimes there needs to be some action accompanying that prayer. In this case, there needs to be $3500 worth of action.

Anyhoo...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever had to ask for money from friends and/or family? Notice I didn't say "borrow". I'm talking about money that you needed and KNEW you wouldn't be able to pay back.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Today, as I do everyday, I was listening to Pandora at work. I love listening to Gospel because it keeps me inspired and lifts my spirit at times when it is oh so very low (as it has been since last Thursday).

I have a number of Gospel artists selected as "stations" and for the past two days I have been listening to the Kim Burrell station. That station plays a lot of what I'm used to and has introduced me to some amazing NEW songs. Not that they've JUST come out, but that I've just never heard before.

One that I have absolutely fallen in love with is "I've Got A Reason" by Dorinda Clark Cole. That song will pull you out of a "pity party" quick, fast, and in a hurry. Love, love, love that song!

Then I heard one by someone named Anaysha. Her song was called "Holy One". As I listened I became so uncomfortable. She kept promising to never let God down, and kept asking Him to give her one more chance. She kept making promise after promise, and I kept thinking to myself, "God is listening to all these promises and He's saying, 'Quit lying!'"

I mean REALLY!

I know that as Christians we are to strive to be the best that we can be for God, and to honor God. Yet at that same time, I (I'll just speak for myself) fall DAILY.

I wake up with good intentions, and ask Him every morning to lead me, guide me, and direct me in the way that I should go. EVERY DAY this is my prayer. And EVERY DAY I seem to veer off course.

Sometimes I end up in situations that I just didn't see coming. Other times, I willingly walk right into them. As a result, I have learned to not make promises to God that I know I can't or won't keep. I just don't do it.

Now I'm sure that there are some "perfect" Christians who "hit the mark" OCCASIONALLY, but this here Christian MISSES it, far more often than I HIT it. To that, I simply thank God for His forgiveness that comes by way of the shed blood of Christ on the cross...and I start all over again each day. Some days He's more pleased with me than others...this I am sure of.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time you made a promise to God...and did you keep it?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

One Year Later

And...here we are.

Today marks the last of my "Year of Firsts". This is the 1 yr anniversary (if you will) of my Mom's passing.

What a year it's been.

All in all I think I've handled it well.

I miss going to her home and having her wake up (she slept a LOT), and then make her way into the living room where she'd sit in her favorite chair and chat until she got tired and needed to head back to bed.

I miss the way that she spoiled her "fur-babies". They loved them some her and she love her some them. When she passed, her dog Lazarus fell into a deep depression. I didn't know that dogs had feelings like that...but he did and he missed her terribly. It was so sad for me to see.

I've shed many tears over the past 12 months and only have few regrets.

One...I wish I had saved her last happy birthday voice mail message that she left on July 14 2014. She sang me the birthday song that she sang every year. Without that song my birthday will NEVER be the same.

Two...I wish I had kept her favorite night gown. It had this big dog on the front and she always wore it. In my haste of donating her clothes, I gave that away too. I know good and well that the folks I donated it to probably threw it out. To them I'm sure it just looked old and worn. To me...it had meaning.

My Mom and I were not "best buds", but we were mother and daughter and loved each other as such. By her bedside I told her many times that I loved her, and she told me the same. So in that regard I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

I took today off (as I will probably do EVERY year), and spent some much needed time at "My Place of Peace". Listening to the waves and the wind...sticking my feet in the water and letting it come up to my calves. Picked some lovely shells, and communed with God, my Creator. Told him EVERYTHING that was on my heart. Not just about my Mom, but about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I sang to him, and thanked Him for all that He is to me. I can truly say that today was a good day.

Now I'm off to go buy some flowers and place them by my Mother's urn. I know that she's not there, but it just seems like the right thing to do on this day.

I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I know that I will see her again, in the presence of God whenever He chooses to call me home.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU went to the beach?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

MyFace

Five days from today will mark the 1 year "anniversary" of my Mom's passing. Anniversary really doesn't seem like the right word, but I imagine it will do for now.

So much has happened and changed in this past year.

In honor of my Mom's memory, I have decided to dedicate this month to her on Facebook, via my profile pics.

I've always changed my profile pic on the following days of each month: 1st, 8th, 15th, 22nd, 29th. Why? Because I get bored looking at the SAME thing ALL the time. So when it comes to my page, I like to "switch it up".

This month, every profile pic will be of my Mom. A couple will have ME in them too (like the current one). In two that I can think of, I am also in the pic, just not seen...unless you look at my Mom's big belly. That's where you'll spot me...just days from being born.

I've always been very particular about my profile pics, and I always make sure that I am in them. I don't do cartoon characters, or quotes, or images that are not MY face. I began that practice when a friend passed away and her profile pic was of her boyfriend. To this day, if you go to her page, there's HIS face.

If something ever happened to me, I'd want people to see MY face as the memory...not something random.

However, there IS an exception. That exception is my Mom. If by chance God calls me home THIS month while my Mom's face is my profile pic, I would be a-ok with that. Heck, I look just like her anyway...most folks wouldn't even know the difference.

Ironically, my Mom wanted nothing to do with social media when she was still living here on earth. I asked her once if she wanted a Facebook page and her response was, "I don't care about MyFace. I don't have any friends, nor anybody I would want to get back in touch with, so there's no point in having a page." Oh, I was so tickled when she called it "MyFace".

I wonder what she'd say if she knew that her face has finally made the pages of Facebook. She'd probably say, "Take my picture down. I don't want some weirdo to see it." Yep, that's probably what she'd say.

Well, that's about it. If you happen to be one of my Facebook friends, I hope you enjoy my profile pics this month...my "Month of Mom".

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the most unusual profile pic you've ever seen on Facebook?

Talk to me!

Til next time...