A Fond Farewell

So here we are...with just a few hours left of the year 2014.

This is the first time in a very LONG time that I have not gone to a "Watch Night Service" at church. I'm a bit bummed about that. I typically go to one that starts at 7:00 and that same church has another that begins at 10:00. Since I missed the 7:00 I really should try to get to the 10, but I try to avoid driving at night so that I won't get pulled over. My tags are expired (well...I've paid the registration, but still need a SMOG check), and one of my headlights are out. So...I'm thinking I'd better play it safe and stay home. As much as I love being in fellowship with other Believers on New Year's Eve, I know full well that I can praise the Lord right here in my own home and He'd be just as pleased. My daughters and my niece went though, and that makes me happy. They're all grown yet still go to church willingly and with glad hearts. That's the best that I could ever hope for for any of my children and/or family members.

So yeah...2014 coming to a close.

What a year it has been!

Let me say that again...WHAT A YEAR IT HAS BEEN!!!

The first half was rocky and as a result I made some DRASTIC changes in the second half. 99% of folks who know me don't know that in June of this year I resigned from my job...WITHOUT HAVING A NEW JOB TO GO TO. Who does that?!? I do...and I did. After being in a position that didn't suit me, and being denied by my direct supervisor the opportunity to apply for a position that was a better fit, I just couldn't take anymore...and walked away. The handful who knew what I'd done all pretty much thought I was crazy. In a sense, they were right. To be quite honest...my head wasn't on completely straight at the time and I realize now that I was in a pretty deep depression. So my choices weren't that of a "clearheaded thinker".

Although that decision has cost me dearly by way of my bank account, where funds are practically non-existent (even as I type, I don't have enough money for tomorrow's rent), it did things for me that money just can not buy.

My decision to leave gave me PEACE. It gave me FREEDOM. It gave me TIME. It gave me JOY. And it gave me weeks to spend with my Mom that I will cherish FOREVER.

Had someone told me on January 1st of this year that my mother would not be here to see January 1st of 2015, I would have covered my ears, closed my eyes, shook my head and demanded that they take the words back.

Then again...maybe I would have accepted the words and made sure that EVERY DAY from January 1st through November 9th would have been the happiest days of my Mom's life. Maybe. Who knows?

I'll tell you who knows. GOD...in His omniscience. He knows.

He knew on January 1st of this year that He would call my Mom home on November 9th. Her departure from this life may have been an unwelcomed reality for those she left behind, but it was no surprise to God. I can imagine Him whispering in her ear as she lay in bed that night, "Rebecca, My daughter. Rebecca, come with Me now. I'm taking you home." That was the day that my Mother LIVED for...the day that she would go home to dwell with the Lord ETERNALLY.

Yet with all of the trials that life has put me through this year, the bitter was ALWAYS overcome by the sweet. God's Word is the sweetest of all, and because of that, I was able to get through EVERYTHING. Even in the loneliest and saddest of times, I had the assurance of knowing that He's with me.

And He was kind enough to give me someone in the physical sense to hold me up during the most difficult of times. He sent "Joe", and Joe has been my ROCK. My shoulder to cry on. My hand to hold. My tear-wiper. My encourager. My support. When things got to be too much, he was there to take over and handle what I couldn't. When I became irritable and lashed out and the most trivial of things, he understood where it was all coming from, and instead of getting angry with me, he became that much more patient. It takes a special kind of person to react that way. Joe...IS that special person for me. An absolute blessing he has been, and I make sure that he knows it.

So...less than 4 hours left. How will I spend it?

Well...I'm home alone (Joe is working tonight...*insert sad face here*), so I will probably spend it meditating on the goodness of God. Why? Because He deserves ALL of my praise, honor and glory. That's how I choose to handle the lemons that life hands me. He got me through this year, knowing all along that it would be one of the toughest ones of my life. All I can do is lift my hands and say, "Hallelujah!"

Like David, I will bless the Lord at ALL times!
Like James, I will count it ALL joy when I fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of my faith produces patience.
Like Paul, I will be confident in knowing that NOTHING can separate me from the love of Christ.
So you see folks, no matter what...it's all good! God is good!! Life...is good!!!

Just as I didn't know what 2014 had in store for me, I have no idea what's to come in 2015. But God knows...and that's ALL I need to know.

Quick question before I end tonight's post: If your Mom left her earthly life this year, raise your hand. *** Now for everyone who raised their hand, I give you the LARGEST, LOVING-EST, MOST SINCERE HUG that you can receive via computer. I know how you feel, and it's a feeling that no one else understands unless and until their Mom's are no longer here. Stay encouraged, and hold tightly to the memories. They'll get you through the tough times. This, I know.

Goodbye 2014. It's been real.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was the BEST thing that happened to you in 2014?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

A Boy and His Dog

For the majority of my professional career I have worked for fairly large corporations in corporate cubicled offices. The rules within those corporations tended to be fairly stringent and there wasn't a whole lotta room for flexibility.

Well...on October 27th I began working for a new company. Although their name is big within the industry that I am now in, my actual office is VERY small compared to what I'm used to. VERY small. Because it's so small, the rules are a lot more lenient. EVERYDAY is casual day...which I LOVE. And...dogs are allowed in the office, at ANY time. No pre-approval needed. Just bring your pooch. I'm cool with that too (even though I'm allergic).

So...yesterday one of our contractors came in with his son. A rambunctious, yet very sweet little 10 year old OVERFLOWING with energy. Loud energy! Along with the boy, was his dog.

They were there all day and their presence was undeniable. When the boy, (who I'll call Edgar) introduced me to his dog "Bandit", he told me that the Bandit bonds by feeding him. So Edgar gave me some kibble and Bandit ate from my hand. At that point, we'd bonded.

Throughout the day Edgar and Bandit would walk by my desk...sometimes stopping...other times not.

THEN...out of nowhere, Edgar walks by, picks up Bandit and puts him RIGHT IN MY LAP. Ok...did you read the part earlier where I said that I'm ALLERGIC.

So I pet Bandit for a bit, put him down, and immediately head to the bathroom to wash my hands and get as much fur off of me as possible. Otherwise I would have sneezed FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

Now mind you, I love little kids, and I love dogs. I just know my limits when it comes to dogs. If I know that I can quickly get to a change of clothes, then I'll play with a dog for as long as my allergies will allow. But at work...knowing that there are HOURS left before I can change...that's just no bueno.

So...yesterday came and went and I headed back to work this morning.

Lo and behold...Edgar, Bandit (and Edgar's Dad) were back for another day. OK!

THIS day however, was much different than yesterday.

Yes, Edgar was still rambunctious and Bandit was all over the place, but today, I got to know Edgar's story...and it changed everything for me.

As I said earlier...Edgar is 10.

Edgar's Mom passed away from a heart attack 10 months ago. *Right there is where I just about lost it. It seems that no matter how old or young a person is, as SOON as I learn that their Moms are no longer here, I immediately connect with them. Like we're all members of this exclusive club that nobody really WANTS to be in, yet somehow, we get thrown into.*

Edgar was the one who found his Mom.

Edgar is bi-polar and has ADHD.

Edgar now lives with his Dad and Grandma, and while school is out for winter break, he's been hanging with his Dad at work. There were times today when I could see how exasperated Edgar's Dad was, so I'd hang out with Edgar for a bit, to give his Dad a break.

Bandit was a Christmas gift from Edgar's Mom...just 2 months before she passed away. *Are you crying yet? I am.*

Edgar needs Bandit, and in some crazy way...I think that Bandit knows that.

As I posted earlier today on Facebook, "Everyone has a story that is worth being told...and heard." You see...Edgar has a story. I didn't know his story yesterday so I thought he was just some "wild and out" kid who needed a bit of discipline. But after HEARING his story I realized that all Edgar really needs is LOVE, SUPPORT, (medication to balance out his levels), and his buddy BANDIT. As long as he gets all of that, Edgar will be A-Ok.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do you find yourself pre-judging folks, or do you ALWAYS hear their story first?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Simple Reminders

This evening I was cleaning my cupboards, getting rid of stuff that's expired and just trying to get a sense of order in my life.

As I was tossing stuff, I came across a bag of prunes...and almost began to cry. Almost.

Why would a bag of prunes make me cry? Well, if you've been following the blog since September 17th, you already know. These weren't just any old prunes. These prunes were my mom's.

Shortly before she became ill and hospitalized she had MAJOR dental work done. She had all of her teeth removed and was going to get a nice new set of "pearly whites".

But all of those plans were changed on September 17th when she went into the hospital. She went from being on a feeding tube, to being on a "puréed" diet, since she didn't have teeth to chew anything.

At one point she because so frustrated with the tastelessness of her puréed diet that she almost didn't want to eat anything at all.

Then one day she ran down a list of things she'd like to have. PRUNES were on that list. The very next day I went to visit her with a bag that included 8 individual packs. She asked me to only leave one pack at a time and that she would tell me when she was ready for another. So I left one and brought the bag home.

My mother never got to ask for a 2nd pack, and she never got to go in for the last fitting of her new set of teeth. They were ready, but she never even got to see them or try them out.

So anyway...I have these prunes now, and yet another memory of my mother. Just like with rainbow sherbert, prunes will never be the same to me again.

*Sigh*

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there anything "unusual" that triggers memories of one of your loved ones who's no longer here?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

My Cup Runneth Over

Today is Christmas. My first one without my Mom. She left this life just 46 days ago and began her eternal life on the other side.

Since she's been gone (I still can't get myself to say the "D"-word), I've made it through Thanksgiving and her birthday (12/12). And now...Christmas.

How am I doing?

Pretty darn good.

I had a moment of sadness yesterday, but that quickly passed once I realized that she is now WITH the One who Christmas is all about. She now LIVES in the presence of the Lord! WOW!!! As I began to think about that, all I could do was rejoice.

With all of the uncertainty about the ACTUAL day of Jesus' birth, I was telling my daughter Lauren this morning, "Wouldn't it be funny if on Christmas morning, Jesus gathers all the "newcomers" around and says, 'Look y'all...let me clear this up. No, I was NOT born on December 25th. The real date of my birth was {fill in the blank}."

Like seriously...HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?

I can hear the deep sighs now as everyone FINALLY learns the REAL date. I've always said that it doesn't matter to me WHAT day Jesus was born, all that matters is that He WAS born (and I believe 1000% that He was), and that He died, and on the 3rd day He rose again. Oh, but it doesn't end there...ONE DAY He is coming BACK to get ME, and ALL who believe. Ooh Wee!!!

So yeah...things like that keep me from becoming (and/or staying) sad for too long.

And then there are friends. Special friends.

One sent me a message yesterday, just to see how I'm doing. And get this...he and I have NEVER met...NEVER spoken on the phone. We just happen to be in this AMAZING group together on Facebook where EVERYBODY is like family. The connection in this group is SO genuine. Before joining the group I knew ONE person in it, and was acquainted with two others. The one I know well is the one who added me. BEST group on Facebook...HANDS DOWN! Since being in it I've met many more of the members, and just as we do virtually, we connect in person as though we've all known each other forever. So...one day I will meet my friend who's been checking up on me. In the meantime, I am simply thankful for folks like him who just randomly check in.

Then there was an old school friend. She also sent a note, simply to say that she was thinking about me today. Such a small gesture...yet it means the world to me. Others sent text messages, and one actually sang a song.

Last, but certainly not least, is "Joe" who made sure that I was not alone on this day. Even though he worked last night and was tired this morning, he STILL came by just to hang with me and keep a smile on my face. And in the brief moment when the smile almost turned into tears, he turned it around and had me smiling again. Not that I'm not expected to cry (because I am), but it hurts him to see me hurt, so he turns it around whenever he can. And I appreciate that.

It's amazing how life works sometimes. In the areas where today could have felt EMPTY...LOVE filled them up. For that...I am so very grateful.

So for those who celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus...to YOU, I say: Merry CHRISTmas!

And for those who simply see today as a day to spend with friends & family...to YOU too, I say: Merry CHRISTmas!

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was the BEST thing that happened to YOU on this Christmas day?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Toes Socks and Candles

***Today's post is dedicated to my mother Rebecca. She passed away 33 days ago and never got to see this day...her 64th birthday.***

On November 9th when my Mom's Earthly life ended and her Heavenly life began, it seems that a flood of questions entered my mind that I'd never given any thought to before. I knew that soon after November 9th the holidays would begin to rush in. First up was Thanksgiving, which came and went...without my mother's presence. Soon after Thanksgiving I knew that one of the most difficult "firsts" was right around the corner. December 12th...my mother's birthday...without my mother.

As often as I've wondered what she's doing in Heaven, who she's met, who she's reunited with...did it all happen the day she got there or do the "meet & greets" take place over the span of eternity...I've been so very curious about THIS day...the day of her BIRTH.

I've wondered...are birthdays celebrated in Heaven? Or is the day that you ENTER Heaven (in my Mom's case, that would be November 9th) the day that is celebrated? Or is there NO celebration at all? I just don't know. Sure wish I did though.

Anyway...my mother's birthday has always been an interesting one. Challenging is probably a better adjective.

With some folks, friends and family have a fairly good idea of what to get that individual as a gift. With my mother...not so much. She didn't really have a "favorite" anything.

No favorite color.
No favorite food (or at least I thought, until I read her Auto-obituary).
No favorite musical artist.
No favorite actor.
No favorite author.
No favorite fragrance.
No favorite song.
No favorite TV show.
Nothing.

Yet, even without a "favorite" anything...she always loved whatever I would get her. Perhaps that was just her being my Mom. But anything I got her, she cherished.

Over the past 10 years or so, I came to learn that there were 3 things she particularly liked...one of those three, she LOVED.

She liked scented candles.

She liked toe socks.

And she LOVED chihuahuas...especially her own. Agape, Lazarus and Sarah were her babies. Of the three, Agape was MY favorite. I cried like a baby when he died. He was the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Sarah died a couple years ago, and she was truly my "Momma's girl". Sarah and my Mom were BFFs. When Sarah died, my Mom was crushed. Even in casual conversation if Sarah was mentioned my Mom's whole demeanor would change and I could actually SEE the sadness come over her. Eventually, I learned not to mention Sarah.

And then there was (and still is) Lazarus. My Mom called him her "Baby dog". Sweet sweet Lazarus. He now waits for my Mom to walk through the door again...not understanding that she never will.

So...as I said, my Mom loved her dogs, scented candles, and toe socks.

Although I couldn't get her a new dog each year for her birthday, I could (and DID) get her toe socks and candles. She never wanted or asked for anything, yet she was always so happy when I'd walk in with my simple little gifts. Yet what she enjoyed MOST OF ALL was the fact that I was THERE. Most days I wasn't able to stop by until after work. When I'd get to the house she was ALWAYS sleeping. My mother slept more than anyone I've ever known. But as soon as I'd get there, within minutes she'd be rounding the corner, find her spot in the living room, and would sit with me & the kids for as long as she could before she'd get tired again. I will always remember the words she would say as we'd get up to leave, "Thank y'all for coming over. I love ya, and I had a wonderful birthday". Even as I write these words I can still see her in the chair she sat in, and I can hear the words as if she's in my ear right now. Right now.

So...I may not have any idea about what her day was like today, when I said my morning prayer I asked God to give my Mom a special hug. I never ask Him to hug her FROM me, because honestly, I don't think she knows or remembers who I am. She won't know or remember me until I get to Heaven. At least that's what I believe. In my mind, knowing and remembering are forms of looking BACK here to Earth, and since Heaven is PURE joy, there's no way that anyone THERE would EVER want to look back HERE at all of the sadness, and evil that goes on in "the world". I don't really care to argue the point or convince me otherwise. In that regard I'm pretty set. And for that reason, I just ask God to give her a special hug. HE knows who it's from and for me, that's all that matters.

So there you have it. My Momma's birthday in a nutshell. Oh, and in case you were wondering...her favorite food was "grits and eggs".

As you can imagine, this has been a difficult day for me, and I sure could've used a hug or two...or three or four...

I miss my mother more than I ever imagined I would. And on THIS day, and EVERYDAY, I just want to see her face, hear her voice, and give her another hug. I miss my Mom greatly, and I look forward to the day when we are reunited...in Heaven, where we will NEVER have to say goodbye again...EVER.

To my Mom:
Thank you so much for giving me life and loving me!
Happy 64th Birthday!!
I LOVE YOU!!!


Let the DIALOGUE begin: What ARE (or WERE) YOUR Mom's 3 favorite things?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

N-Oh Christmas Tree

So it's December 6th and folks are getting into the Christmas spirit. I imagine that I am too, I just show it differently.

Yesterday at work two of my co-workers went out and got the office Christmas tree. I gotta admit, it was beautiful and smelled amazing. Wouldn't you know it...I ended up helping to decorate. I didn't mind though. I just found it odd that I was decorating the office tree and couldn't remember the last time we had a tree at home. I think I've lived at my current residence for 7 years and we had a tree that 1st year. Nothing since then. And yes, my kids were with me so I'm sure that I did them a disservice by not having a tree.

Bottom line...my funds have always been (and still are) extrememly low. The price of a tree could buy groceries. I opt for groceries.
Additionally, we don't have any ornaments and there's no way that I'm gonna buy any BEFORE Christmas when I know that they'll go on sale the day AFTER. Then the day AFTER comes and I don't wanna deal with the "After Christmas" crowd. So...looks like we'll be having another Tree-less Christmas.

Again though, I do LOVE Christmas and all that it stands for...the birth of our Lord Jesus. Yeah, I get that no one REALLY knows the date of His birth, and not of that matters. Heck, for all I know He may have been born on July 14th like me. All that matters is that He WAS born, was crucified, died, and on the 3rd day, He rose again. That's ALL that matters to me.

So...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do you get (or put up) a tree every year?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Lazarus come forth! (It's not what you think)

Although my Mom left her earthly life and those who love her just 22 days ago there's someone/something else who has missed her for even longer.

On September 17th one four-legged furry little pooch lost his best friend...and he's been waiting for her ever since.

I don't know how a dog's memory works. I've heard that they have no concept of time, so if my Mom had returned home on the 18th of September, or a year later, he would've been just as excited to see her.

Unfortunately, he has no idea that he'll never see her again. And that makes me sad.

I can tell that he's depressed. He pretty much stays in the bedroom where my Mom spent 23 hours of her day (if not more), and he only comes out to eat, drink & poop.

When I go by the house I'm at least able to coax him out of the room for some socialization. I can't tell if he's coming out because he thinks I'm my Mom (since we looked so much alike), or if he really knows that it's me and he knows that I'll spoil him up and rub his belly. I just don't know.

I just know that he's sad. I would be too if my best friend went away and never returned. Heck, my best friends DID go away, and have yet to return...so in more ways that one, I understand Lazarus' sadness.

So for as long as I can, I will stop by and do my best to show Lazarus the love the my Mom showed him. I know that it won't be the same...he'll never sit on my lap for hours to be rubbed and fall asleep. With my Mom, he did that ALL the time. The most I get is having him sit on the couch with me with his body wedged between me & the side of the couch. He may sit on my lap for 5 minutes but after that he repositions himself. And when I say goodbye, he heads right back into the room.

Lazarus and my Mom were buddies for 13 years. She was all that he knew. Although he's 91 in dog years, I pray that he has many years left here with us. But if not, I pray that "All dogs DO go to Heaven" and that he & my Mom will be reunited. Mind you, I don't think there's any Scriptural evidence that dogs (or any other animal) go to Heaven, but I can hope, right?

By the way, in case you're wondering what kind of name is LAZARUS for a dog...well...my Mom has had well over 20 dogs in the past 10+ years (she used to breed chihuahuas) and they ALL had Biblical names. That was her rule. When the doggies had puppies she would sometimes allow us to name them, as long as the name came from the Bible. And no...we never named a dog God or Jesus, or after anyone evil.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do YOU think animals go to Heaven?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Right On Time

Yesterday I was feeling a bit blue. I imagine that that's to be expected.

But God...

God always gives me just what I need, right when I need it.

In the middle of my "blue-ness" the phone rang. It was "Joe". Calls from "Joe" immediately put a smile on my face. Throughout this whole experience with my Mom he has been everything to me, here on Earth. My encourager. My supporter. My shoulder to cry on. The one who so naturally makes me laugh. My comforter. My rock. Yes, aside from God, he has been my everything.

So we're talking on the phone and next thing I know, he walks in the door. I didn't even realize that I'd left it unlocked. My smile then became an ear-to-ear grin. I was "cheese'in". So so happy to see him.

He hands me the guest book from my Mom's service (I accidentally left it in his car), and a small little round container. Told me that the container was for me. So I opened it.

Inside were a pretty pair of brown earrings, with a matching ring. WHAT?!?

He said, "I remembered that you said brown was one of your favorite colors and I saw these and wanted to get them for you."

Awww. Be still my heart. No...don't be still, then I'd be dead...and I wanna enjoy this for a while.

As if I didn't already love this dude...

I put the earrings on. Pretty.

I put the ring on and although it too is very pretty, it's a bit big, so I'll need to have it re-sized. Funny how a "big girl" like me has dainty little fingers.

I gotta tell ya...I have no idea how much the earrings and ring cost, and none of that even matters. What matters is that "Joe" got me something that I will cherish forever.

He's always surprising me. Not so much with material things, but simply in the things that he does. Ways that he shows his love for me. Ways that I don't expect, but ways that I completely appreciate. I wonder what he'll think of next. Hmmm...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the best surprise that YOU'VE received recently.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Knowing vs. Feeling

I watch a lot of movies and I often hear lines in those movies that resonate with me. In addition to entertainment, I'm always watching for a message.

Yesterday as I was watching The Giver, I heard this line and it really hit home with me:

"Knowing what something is is not the same as knowing how something feels."

I was immediately taken to thoughts of my Mom. Before she passed away earlier this month (11/09), I had often expressed my condolences to others over the loss of their loved ones. I realize now that although I KNEW that losing a loved one was an unfortunate experience, it wasn't until my own mother left this earth that I realized how losing someone so close actually FEELS.

It hurts.

Really hurts.

So often I find my thoughts wandering to the last conversation that I had with my Mom. And the conversation before that. I wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Who has she met? Who has she reunited with? WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY?

So many thoughts.

There's just this emptiness now.

Ironically, my mother and I weren't super-close, yet she was still my mother, and anytime she needed me I was there at the drop of a dime.

Even during her hospital stay there were times when she and I would bump heads. Yes, my mother was a feisty one. Ask anyone who knew her and they'll tell you that.

I often wish I had some of her feistiness. I'm too soft. I let too much stuff go. I let folks get away with way to much. I hem and haw around what I'm really thinking for fear of hurting folks' feelings. My mom was the complete opposite.

Yet even with our differences, we share one commonality. She was MISUNDERSTOOD and so am I. Interesting, ain't it? Folks never "got" her and they don't "get" me either.

Another thing that I've discovered now that I know how it FEELS to have my Mom no longer here, is that pictures of folks with their Moms seem to pop up EVERYWHERE now. It's kinda like when you buy a new car. Before you bought the car you rarely noticed them on the road. Now that you have one, it seems that EVERYONE is driving the same car. That's how this is, although opposite. Now that MY Mom is no longer here, it seems that everyone else's Mom IS. Ouch!

So yeah...this is an experience that I KNEW about, but until it actually happened to ME, I didn't fully understand how it FEELS. Now, sadly, I do.

Even in the sadness though, I still rejoice in knowing that my Mom is in Heaven and no longer in pain. No longer worrying about bills. No longer worrying about anything. She has joy, unspeakable joy. And for that, I am glad.

Until I meet with her again I will continue to send up prayers. I no longer pray FOR her, because she doesn't NEED prayers anymore. Prayers are for this life on Earth. But I do ask God to give her extra hugs. Not necessarily from ME, because I don't think she'll remember me until I actually get there myself. And no...she's NOT "looking down" on me or anybody else because that wouldn't be Heaven if she (or any of our loved ones) were looking back here. I mean think about it...with all of the sadness, anger, evil, and horrible things that go on here, WHY would God allow anyone to "look back" at it? Where is the joy in that? There isn't any. So I'm ok with knowing that my Mom is NOT "looking back" or "watching over me". She is living her eternal life, and loving every moment.

On the flip side though, I do believe that I have angels watching over me. They were here from the day I was born, and will continue to be until the day I am called Home. I have no idea who they are, and I don't think I'm supposed to know. I just know that they exist, and THEY "watch over me."

Now...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Name an experience that you "knew" about, but didn't fully understand until it actually happened to you.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

The First of The "Firsts"

So today is Thanksgiving and I can say that I've made it through.

I wasn't sure how things were gonna go, but they went, and I'm ok.

For those who don't know...my Mom passed away 18 DAYS AGO, so this was my first Thanksgiving without her.

Everyone who's lost a close loved-one has told me that the "Year of Firsts" will be difficult.

For me they will be in this order:
Thanksgiving
Mom's Birthday
Christmas
Easter
Mother's Day
My Birthday

One down, five to go.

For the most part, pretty much everything felt the same today. We'd stopped gathering as a big family years ago, so I'd usually stop by in the evening for a bit. Wouldn't even eat dinner because I would've already eaten earlier. The visit was merely to stop by and hang out. That's what I did today. Primarily to check on my Dad & brothers to see how they were holding up. Everything was pretty much as it had always been. The only differences were that my Mom didn't come out of her room as she used to do when I'd arrive, and her physical presence was now in the form of ashes in a box, still packaged in a plastic bag with the mortuary's name on it.

That was a bit difficult to process. Knowing that all of my Mom in the PHYSICAL sense now fit into a box sitting on the coffee table. It's kind of ironic when I think about it. In life, my mother NEVER fit into a box...meaning society's box. She always beat to her own drum and was one of the most unique people I knew. Now...she fits into a box about 2 feet by 3 feet, if even that big.

Thankfully, I know that her spirit is no where near that box. Her spirit is eternally in Heaven with our Lord Jesus. And in that I find complete peace and comfort.

What will we do with her ashes? Who knows.

I think my Dad wants to put them in a nice urn. I'd love to sail out to sea and scatter them. Perhaps I'm being selfish in my suggestion because if the ashes were MINE, I'd most definitely want to be sprinkled in my favorite place...the ocean.

He needs time though and that's understandable. He feels the need to hold on to the ashes as a means of holding on to her. I get that. We all process death differently, so he's free to do what he pleases with her ashes if they bring him comfort.

So folks...there you have it.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you had a loved one cremated, and if so, what did you do with the ashes?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Gone HOME!

Yesterday we said our public goodbyes to my Mom who passed away 14 days ago. I warn you now that many of my future posts will be about my mother. Partly because there's just so much to remember, and partly because writing about her is extremely therapeutic.

I gotta tell ya...planning a homegoing service is HARD WORK. I've attended many, but have never planned one. My goodness!!!

Oh, and for those who don't know...a homegoing service is what most folks call a funeral. In the Christian faith however, we believe that when another believer in Christ dies, their body may die (or sleep), but their SOUL goes HOME to be with the Lord. Hence the term...Homegoing. And we CELEBRATE life with singing and hand-clapping and sharing, and of course with a Word from God. We rejoice because we have HOPE that we will see our loved ones again, and dwell eternally in the presence of the Lord once it is OUR time to be called.

We don't believe in being sorrowful and mournful, somber and gloomy. No...that's what funerals are for. You can miss me on that funeral stuff.

But...back to the homegoing...

There's so much to be done.
Where will the service be held?
Who will create the program for the service? Meaning, what will be DONE at the service, and who will write all of that up and create a printed Funeral Program to memorialize the individual?
Flowers. Who will get them , and from where?
Music?
The Repast. Where will it take place?

And so much more.

It's overwhelming to say the least. Oh, and to plan all of this while working a full time job every day. Yeah...so that meant that the planning didn't even take place until after the workday was done. Who has anything left after a workday? I certainly don't. Or didn't. And that is when I knew that I simply was no longer operating in my OWN strength, but by the strength that God was pouring into me.

Yesterday though, all of the hard work paid off and my Mom's service was lovely. It wasn't "over the top" as some services that I've attended have been. It was fitting, and just as my Mom would have wanted. Family and friends gathered together. She always loved having family and friends gathered together. Thinking about that at this very moment makes me cry. Anytime I think about the things that she liked, I begin to cry.

They're never tears of sadness, because I am absolutely ecstatic over the fact that she is no longer in pain. She is COMPLETELY HEALED.

I cry because of the memories. "Memorial Tears" I imagine I will call them, that are triggered by little things that pop into my mind every now and then.

I didn't shed too many tears yesterday, although I did shed a few. For the most part my day was filled with laughter and joy as I was surrounded by those I love, those who love me, and those who loved my Mom.

All in all...yesterday was a good day.

Let the Dialogue begin: What was the most memorable homegoing service you've ever attended?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Right on Time

Today was a good day.

Even though tears were shed, as they will continue to be for who knows how long, it was still a good day.

I spent some much needed time with my friend "Joe" who simply let me lay my head on his shoulder while he held me. There is something so powerfully poignant in being held. As we lay there in stillness, one tear trickled down my face, which led to another, and then another, and ultimately what "Joe" called "A shower of tears". Cleansing tears are what they were. Tears that I'd been holding in in my efforts to "stay strong". Tears that could no longer be fought back. Tears that won.

As "Joe" consoled me he began to sing a song. I love hearing him sing.

This was a song I'd never heard before. He was surprised and told me that I had to have it...right now.

So we downloaded it, and listened to it over and over.

It couldn't have been more timely. As I was preparing to go through the pics of my Mom so that I can work on her obituary, I knew that the task at hand would be quite daunting, and emotional to say the least. Yet I must remain steadfast to the fact that God is preparing me for something I can not handle.

He's keeping me as each day passes. I miss my Mom. I will always miss my Mom. But one thing I don't ever have to do again is pray for her. Not a single prayer will I ever have to utter on my Mom's behalf. And in that, there is a praise. She now dwells with THE Prayer Answerer. She now dwells with the Almighty God. And she is safe, loved, and experiencing exceeding joy. I am so happy for my Mom I can hardly stand it. And one day...I WILL see her again. "Joe" assured me of that today. Of course, I already knew it, but as he wiped the tears from my face, he too let me know that I WILL see her again.

Thank you Lord for preparing me for something that I can not handle. Because You love me, and You care for me.

Let the Dialogue begin: Is there a certain song that gets YOU through difficult times?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Missed Calls

Last night, after a typically exhausting day, I crawled into bed at around 10:00.

My phone rang at 11:25. Didn't hear it.
It rang again at 11:27. Didn't hear it.
Another ring at 11:28. Heard it, but missed the call.

I looked at the display and saw that it was my dad calling. He NEVER calls this late, nor this many times. Before I dialed back I already knew why he was calling.

My Mom was gone. Passed away. Transitioned. No longer living life here on Earth.

I got my clothes on and headed over to "the facility". That's all that I can really bring myself to call it. Just, "the facility".

I cried a bit on the drive over, and completely fell apart when I walked into her room and saw her lying there, neatly tucked in as if she were ready for bed. Eyes closed. Sound asleep. No longer breathing.

I had no idea when I sat by her bed just 7 hours earlier that that would be the LAST time I would see my mother alive. She was resting peacefully and I didn't want to disturb her. So I did what I'd done numerous times since that life-changing day on September 17th. I sat and watched. Watched her body sometimes twitch uncontrollably. Watched her mouth move as she heavily engaged in conversation somewhere in the place where sleep had taken her. Watched her eyes as they sometimes rolled farther back in her head than I thought was normal. I softly let her know that I was there and depending on how far in she was, she'd either acknowledge me, or she wouldn't. Yesterday, she didn't. So I let her rest.

After a while I gathered my things and told her I loved her. It didn't really matter if she heard me or not. She'd heard me say it many times before and without a doubt I knew that she knew I meant it.

As my dad, my brothers, and I sat and discussed what was "next", I was tasked to call the mortuary. Me! What do I know about calling mortuary's? Nothing. Not a dag gon thing!

But I did it and eventually they arrived. Well, one man arrived.

I stood by the doorway and watched as he snuggly wrapped my Mom up in her sheets, then strapped her to the gurny thingy. Covered her up from head to toe, and wheeled her away.

That was the last that I will ever see of my mother her on Earth.

Needless to say, it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. One minute I'm completely fine. The next, I have tears rolling down my face from out of nowhere. I'm sure that this will be pretty common for who knows how long. One thing is certain...I WILL see my mother again. And until that time I will simply rejoice in the fact that she is in the presence of the Lord. In the presence of the Lord! HALLELUJAH!!!

We can Dialogue if you want to but it seems that not too many folks actually talk to me here in "The Den". It's a bit heartbreaking at times, yet nevertheless...I write.

Let the Dialogue begin: Has YOUR mother already left her life here on Earth? If so, how are you holding up?

Talk to me...PLEASE!

Til next time...

Little Things

Tonight I had yet another very bittersweet visit with my Mom.

Bitter because it greatly pains me to see her in the condition that she is in.

Sweet because I saw her smile and watched her eyes light up. There isn't enough money in the world that can equate to the joy that came from that moment.

As I sat by her bedside this evening, she cried. Cried over things that aren't real. Cried over things that are. And she wouldn't eat, nor drink. She just wanted to "be". I tried my best to honor her requests, yet at the same time, I know that she needs to eat. And with perfect timing, in walked the dietitian. He also knows how important it is for her to eat so he started asking about things that she might like to have. Everything was a no until he mentioned ice cream. She perked up and said, "Yes. I would like sherbert." I told him that she loves rainbow and he told us that he'd be right back. Really? They've got sherbert?

Moments later, Louie walked in with a small bowl full of rainbow sherbert. My mom was like a kid on Christmas morning.

I asked if she wanted me to help her. She said, "No. I can do it."

As weak and fragile as she is, she still insists on doing as much as she can, by herself. She says she doesn't want to bother anybody. That always makes me a bit teary. In her condition we should all be doing as much as we can to help her. She's not a bother in the least. She is my mother.

I sat by her bed and watched her savor each bite. At times she would veer off into conversation and when I could see her getting sad I would remind her, "Keep eating your sherbert before it melts." In that instant the sadness would disappear and she would return to her "joy in a bowl."

The time came for me to leave, I told her that I love her and headed back to my car...determined not to cry. If I had let ONE tear fall I'm not sure that I would've been able to stop the rest.

One thing I did do though was thank God for yet another one of those "little things" that mean so very much. A bowl of rainbow sherbert will never be the same for me. From this day forward, it will always taste sweeter, and I will savor each spoonful just as my beautifully brave mother savored hers.

I may have made it to my car without shedding a tear, but I didn't make it through this post.

Let the Dialogue begin: What "little thing" are YOU thankful for today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

My Month in Review

Wow! It's been a month since I was last here.

So much has gone on and it is only by God's grace that I am getting through each day.

I'll do a "month in review" to try to catch you up. Fasten your seatbelts...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

BREATHE.

Ok. So my mom had a heart attack and stroke on September 17th at which time she was hospitalized. On September 25th she had her leg amputated. On October 18th she was transferred to a rehab facility (which I hated). And on October 28th she went back into the hospital. Today, she was released and sent back to the facility where she is now in hospice care.

BREATHE.


I'd been unemployed (as in NO INCOME coming in) since August 12th and scrambled to find a new job. I was finally offered a position (which I accepted) on the 24th of September, and later that same day I received a call from a company that I've always wanted to work for and they're now interested in interviewing me. But because I had already accepted an offer with "Company A" I didn't go through with an interview with "Company B". I now regret that decision.

BREATHE.

What else?

My oldest daughter was in a car accident this past Saturday, and although SHE is ok (Praise God!) the car was not and ended up being totaled.

BREATHE.

And...we have a family member who was recently found in an alley, dead from a fatal gunshot.

BREATHE.

Yeah. So that's pretty much my month in review. I'm sure that there's plenty that I'm leaving out, but right now...at this very moment...I'm just tired...so very tired.

BREATHE.

So I'll finish with this request: For those who pray in the name of Jesus...please keep my family in your prayers...most especially...my Mom.

Let the Dialogue begin: What's the BEST thing that has happened to YOU in the past month?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Abundantly Above...

So today was another rough one, but instead of writing about what brought me down, instead I will write about another experience that lifted me up.

With all that has happened with my mother recently, and even some personal things that happened before that, I have been saddened and disappointed by the lack of care and concern by people who I always thought would be right by my side during times such as these. But I have more greatly comforted, encouraged and surprised by the care and concern that has come from those who have chosen to be right here with me, even when I haven't asked.

One such surprise came on Sunday.

I left church a bit late and as I was about to leave when my phone rang.

It was "Joe".

I answered and he asked me where I was. I told him.

I asked where he was and he responded with, "Oh, just hangin' out here at the hospital keeping your dad company."

WHAT?!?

Gosh, I felt awful. I wasn't even at the hospital yet, and certainly hadn't expected him to be.

And I still had to go home to change clothes before I would even be ready to head over. I told him that.
He didn't mind waiting. Wow!

So I went home, changed clothes and made my way to the hospital.

We visited with my mom for a while and I let Joe know that I had to pick my brother up from the airport. Guess what! Joe offered to drive me there.

So went to pick up my brother and Joe very patiently waited as the plane was parked on the runway (hadn't even made it to the gate yet), and as the carousel, that had my brother's luggage, broke.

After that, we grabbed a bite to eat and made our way back to the hospital.

I was floored...by the kindness, and helpfulness that Joe displayed. It was sooo refreshing. It's as if God has been watching all that I have gone through alone, the hurt, the abandonment, the burdens...and decided to give me a break by having someone show me love. Not "affectionate love", but the kind of love that says, "I'm here for you and I'm not going to leave you because I know that you need someone here, at this moment." THAT kind of love.

So there you have it. In my drought of loneliness, God has allowed drops of love to rain down. And for that, I am so greatly appreciative.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: If you had a loved-one in the hospital, what would you hope someone would do for you as an act of kindness?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Looking for Caller #...

So get this!

Pretty much everyone who knows me knows how much I LOVE music. And I especially love hearing music performed LIVE in concert. When my favorite artist, Teena Marie was alive, I saw her perform as often as I could. I will always remember the very last time I saw her. She was performing at a school fund raiser as a favor to a friend. I was so close up front I could almost touch her. As a result, I got some great pics.

I think that event may have been in May. That December, she left us. December 26th to be exact.

Since then, I haven't really found a new "FAVE" but there are a few artists that I'm kinda diggin'. One of those is Leela James. She's fairly young (31) with a sultry soulful sound that is taking her up the music charts. Hers is music the way it used to be. Music the way it should be.

So today, as I was out running errands, I pulled into a parking lot and just sat for a minute before I went inside the store. I was listening to my favorite station, Radio Free 102.3 KJLH. Saturday mornings are great because they play a variety of old skool classics.

The song that was playing ended and the radio announcer said that he was looking for "Caller #23" to win 2 tickets to see Leela James in concert.

WHAT?!?

I started dialing.

Busy.

Hung up. Tried again.

Busy.

Hung up. Tried again.

Ringing.

He answered, "You are caller #14."

Gasp.

Dialed again.

Busy.

Dialed again.

Busy.

Dialed again.

Ringing.

He answered, "Hello. Who is this?"

"Am I caller #23?"

"Yes, and who am I speaking with?"

I tell him my name.

He asks, "Do I know you?"

"No, but we can be friends."

He laughed and asked, "Have you won anything from this station in the past 60 days?"

"No."

He then proceeded to take all of my info and told me when I could come by and pick up the tickets.

HOW EXCITING!

Now...I just need to figure out who I'm gonna go with. I have someone in mind, so we'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, here's the song that I am sooo looking forward to hearing her sing LIVE:



And with that...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Who would YOU like to see in concert?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Blessings Unexpected

This past week has been an absolute blur. Now that things have calmed down a bit, I can actually take time to write about them.

Last Wednesday, 9/17, my mom was hospitalized after suffering a heart attack, stroke, kidney failure, and a clot that stopped circulation in her right leg. Since then, my days have been spent at the hospital 20 miles away from my home (one way).

Little by little she went from being completely sedated, to mildly sedated, to knowing who we were, to realizing and understanding that her leg needed to be amputated. Yes...AMPUTATED.

So...with the improvement of her health, yesterday was "the day". The amputation was on schedule.

Because of my faith in Christ, I wasn't as scared as most probably would be. I had a peace and calm that truly comes only from Him. And I also had a good friend by my side, which provided more comfort that I could have imagined possible.

I've been friends with "Joe" (that's what we'll call him) for years, and after his actions yesterday, I am realizing that there is so much more to him than I ever knew.

Wednesday evening he told me that he would go to the hospital with me and spend time with my mom. Okay.

We weren't able to ride to the hospital together so he told me he'd meet me up there. Okay.

I got to the hospital sometime yesterday morning and a couple hours later, Joe called to see how things were going. I told him.

Shortly after that, in walks Joe, with lunch FOR ME. Okay. I wasn't expecting that AT ALL. It was just a simple little lunch, but felt like a king's feast.

Then he went in with me to see my mom.

He could see that she was uncomfortable, so he wet a cloth and wiped her forehead. I watched in awe.

Soon after, she was rolled into the O.R. and we (me, Joe, my dad, and my cousin) headed to the waiting room.

This is where I thought Joe would make exit, but nooo...he stayed...for the entire duration of the surgery. WHOA!!!

Again, I was in awe.

He made the 2 hour wait feel like 5 minutes. Had he not been there, 2 hours would have felt like 12. I was so thankful to have him there.

And at one point when my dad got a bit overwhelmed, Joe walked outside with my dad...just the two of them, to help calm his nerves.

All I can say is...WHAT A BLESSING my friend Joe is!!!

And yesterday, after all these years of wondering if Joe loves me...I realized yesterday, that he actually DOES. He may not be the type to take me to fancy places, or shower me with flowers, but the little things that he does (like moving the hair out of my face), or big things like staying with me yesterday, are HIS WAY of displaying love.

And although it doesn't come in the packaging that *I* expect it to...doesn't mean that love is not "in the box". No, it's in there, and I receive it. Whether it's packaged in a pretty blue Tiffany box, or newspaper...it's in there, and I receive it.

In case you're wondering...no, Joe and I are not in a relationship with each other. At this point we are simply two good friends who enjoy each other's company when we get a chance to spend time together (which isn't very often). If it be in God's will to change our "status" then so be it, but for now, I am simply BLESSED to have Joe in my life.

Oh and as for my mom...her surgery went well. The road to recovery will be long, but she has plenty of love and support to be with her every step of the way.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What does love look like to you?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Brother Alex

When I was little

the Emergency Broadcast System would perform tests through the television. Maybe they still do. I haven't had television in so long I simply can't remember. Anyway, they would start off with a high pitched beep followed by these words:

"This is a test. For the next sixty (or thirty) seconds, this station will conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test."

Well...my life has been a bit of a test lately. I know that it has. Between my employment situation, my mom's major health situation, AND my car, I just pray that I pass.

This evening, on the way home from another day at the hospital, my car once again decided to overheat. I was on the freeway and noticed the temperature gauge climbing higher and higher. I exited the freeway, turned on my hazards, and slowly drove to the nearest gas station. I sat there for about 20 minutes letting the car cool off. Then I decided to try again and head home.

Well...I got a few blocks down the street and it started climbing again. Sooo...into another gas station I went.

As I'm sitting in my car I hear this odd noise.

I turn my head to see a man washing my windows.

So I open the door and tell him, "Thank you, but no thank you...I don't need my windows washed, I'm just waiting for my car to cool off. And...I don't have any money." I knew he wasn't washing the windows for his health or my good looks. He needed money.

He said, "It's okay if you don't have any money. I'm washing them out of friendship." Hmmm...I'd never met this man before so we certainly weren't "friends". I was stuck though, so he proceeded to wash the windows.

As he was doing this, he's telling me what I needed to do to get my car up and running to make it home. Then he says, "I'll help you." And he did.

When he was finished, I thanked him and he started walking away. I called him back over so that I could at least give him what change I had. He was grateful.

Then I asked his name. Alex.

I told him mine.

As I got ready to leave I said, "Thank you again Alex, and God bless you."

He said, "You've already blessed me and in 3 days God is going to give you at least 3 times more than what you gave me." Then he came really close...close enough for me to smell the hint of alcohol on his breath and he asked, "Do you believe it?"

Before I could answer, he asked, "Do you believe in Jesus?"

That threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting to be asked that at all. Ok, honestly...I wasn't expecting HIM to ask me that at all.

I answered.

"Yes, Alex. I most certainly believe in Jesus."

Then he said,"In 3 days, when you receive your blessing...honk your horn 3 times."

I hadn't heard him correctly, and I said, "Honk my horn 3 times, right now?"

He said, "No. In 3 days, honk it 3 times."

"Okay Alex, I will. Thank you again, and God bless you."

You know what...I am going to wait in expectancy for my blessing in 3 days. After all, it never hurts to believe, right?

As I began to drive away, I thanked God for placing Alex in my life at that moment in time. Not only did he help me with my car, but HE ministered to ME in a way that I wasn't expecting. Brother Alex was proof that we just never know where our blessings will come from.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time a stranger did something nice for you?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Changing Seasons

Here's what I know: Some people relish in anger and bitterness. They thrive on it. The need to be right (even though there is no right or wrong in a particular issue) outweighs the need to reconcile. When forgiveness is an option, they decline it because they would rather harbor the anger than heal the hurt.

Here's what I also know: I am NOT one of those people. As a follower of Christ, I can't be.

I've said that to say this. I have a "friend" (we'll call her "Friend A") who has chosen to end our friendship over $58.OO. Yep, that's right...FIFTY EIGHT DOLLARS!

Fifty eight dollars that she assumed I wasn't going to repay her. Fifty eight dollars that I offered to pay her since another friend of mine could not afford to. Now...for anyone who knows my current financial situation, I do NOT have fifty eight dollars (or any dollars) to spend on ANYTHING that I can't use. But when I was informed that "friend B" simply couldn't afford to pay, instead of footing "freind A" with the bill, I willingly offered to pay it. Although I have text messages between myself and "Friend B" stating just that, "Friend A" jumped straight to the conclusion that she wouldn't get her money and hasn't spoken to me in over a month, almost 2. I have even mailed money to "Friend A" to reimburse her for the expense and she is now returning the mail. I'm sure that she's not returning it as a way of saying, "It's ok. I understand your situation, so I want you to keep the money." No...this is her way of flipping the finger at me and saying, "You can keep your effing money!"

At this point, I am DONE. I have sooo many other issues that warrant my attention right now, and I have cried too many tears over what I lies ahead. Trying to figure out what I did wrong "this time", and without her actually picking up the phone and telling me...is just more than I can handle right now. In every friendship/relationship, I am ALWAYS the one to reach out and do "damage control"...ALWAYS. At this point, I am tired of trying to fix what I don't even know is broken. I have nothing to apologize for because I have done NOTHING wrong. I have attempted to make things right...because I valued our friendship. What I now know is that to "Friend A", our friendship was only worth FIFTY EIGHT DOLLARS. I was only worthy FIFTY EIGHT DOLLARS.

That's ok. The book of Ecclesiastes states that "to everything there is a time and a season." Apparently, (by her choice and behavior), our season is over. I never thought we'd end up here, and this is never what I wanted. Yet I'm not going to force ANYONE to stay in a friendship with me that they do

n't want to be in. That's not friendship. Yet, as hurt as I am by this whole thing, I move on without any ill-will or hard feelings. I pray that God continues to bless her and her remaining friendships. One thing I know with absolute certainty though is this: I am a good person, a loyal and loving friend. NO ONE can deny that about me...NO ONE.

So as I deal with changes that I have experienced since June 13th, the MAJOR change that happened yesterday and HUGE life-changer that is to take place tomorrow...I will continue to pray for her (whether she wants me to or not), because again...that is what Christ, my Lord and Savior COMMANDS me to do in Matthew 5:43-48.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect."

And for any of you who may be reading this right now...those of you who believe and pray in the name of JESUS...please lift me up in prayer if you would. God has heard from me an awful lot recently, and it seems that I need Him more and more each day as I face things that are completely out of my control. Nevertheless, I believe in His sovereignty and ask that His will be done.

So...if you knew even HALF of what I'm dealing with right now (alone and by myself), you would understand why I must forgive, and move on. I simply can not harbor unforgiveness and expect God to hear and answer my prayers (Matthew 6:12). I need Him to hear and answer every prayer...every single one.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What MAJOR life-changing events are YOU facing right now? Whatever they may be, rest assured that God has ALL things in control...ALL things.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Once again...

So today I had a bit of an "interesting" experience.

I joined a discussion about the recent event involving the actress who was questioned by the police in response to calls that there was a couple committing "lude acts" in public. According to EVERY eyewitness, the actress and her boyfriend were having sex in their car IN PUBLIC.

Now I don't watch television anymore but on the various talk-adio stations that I listen to, I heard the audio of her conversation with the officer played many times.

Based on what I heard, she was belligerent, uncooperative, and just outright WRONG.

She insisted that all they were doing was "making out", yet I came to my own conclusion and decided that it was MORE than that.

So...

In the discussion I was having, a few of us agreed that the audio, along with the numerous complaints that were made, were enough "proof" that she and her boyfriend had indeed been committing a "lude act".

One of the members of the discussion was appalled by the fact that people like myself would so quickly and easily "hop on the bandwagon" and entertain such gossip and rumor without having any VISIBLE proof of the act.

I didn't need VISIBLE proof. I had ALL THE PROOF I NEEDED, and I was ready to drop the issue. But not before I was again reminded of how awful it is for people like me to make judgements without having ALL OF THE FACTS.

Contrary to what some may believe...I do NOT habitually nor typically by into rumors. I don't watch reality shows because they tend to be laden with gossip and rumor. I don't engage in such in my personal life either. It's just NOT what I'm about. And I don't think the fact that I believe that this actress did in fact commit the act, makes me a rumor-monger. Instead, it simply makes me a person who has a difference of opinion...WHICH I'M ENTITLED TO. We're ALL entitled to disagree.

Somehow though, whenever *I* disagree, things are taken waaay out of context and I end up being completely MISUNDERSTOOD.

What am I supposed to do, just be a "yes girl" and always agree with EVERYTHING even when it goes against what I really think? Nope. Sorry. No can do.

The older I get, the more I am beginning to wish that I was one of those people who ALWAYS speaks their mind. That way, on the rare occasions when I do, I won't be looked at as a witch with a capital B. Instead, folks won't even question what I've said, because they'd be used to it.

Anyhoo...Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU were MISUNDERSTOOD?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Compare and Contrast...but never Complain

Have you ever looked at the lives of other people and asked yourself, "How did I end up HERE?"

I do. Often.

I don't do it in an envious type of way, but moreso a curious type of way.

I mean, as I sit here at my kitchen table writing, I sit with the sound of the fan, and only the fan, whirring in the background. I could listen to music, that's still an option, however, turning on the tube to see what's on...that's NOT an option. And I wonder, "How many of my other friends are sitting at home this evening with NO television?" I don't mean NO television as in, they choose not to watch it. I mean...NO television as in, they can not afford it. You see folks, I can no longer afford television and for that reason, I turned in the cable box weeks ago. The basic of packages was $29.99 per month, and that didn't even include CNN which is the ONLY channel I even care about. Too much for THIS girl's budget.

And then there's the internet.

Sure, I have it, but only through a wireless router with a very limited amount of data. So for those folks who say, "Ah, you don't even need TV, you can watch shows online." Nope. No can do. That would eat up my data in ONE episode.

I will say that I am VERY thankful for Starbucks and their Wi-Fi offerings. Mind you, I always by SOMETHING...even if it's just a back of shortbread cookies, or a small iced tea. Because contrary to what SOME think about me...I am NOT a leech. I pay for things and don't take advantage of ANYONE. But...I digress.

Then I see friends post about these fancy restaurants where water doesn't even come in individual glasses...it comes in a glass bottle that everyone pours from. Can't say that I've ever been to one of those.

Or those who live in waterfront homes.

Or those who are able to live creatively without breaking their backs to keep the lights on.

Yes...sometimes I wonder where I made a wrong turn. Well, there are a few areas where I can CLEARLY say that I made the wrong turn. But did I make enough to get me HERE?!? Apparently, I did.

I'm not complaining or comparing my life to anyone else. I believe that what God has for me is for me, and what He has for someone else is for someone else.

I'm just curious.

What I do know is that not many folks I know could live my life.

*I live in a small apartment (without amenities, like A/C, washer & dryer or dishwasher).
**I drive an 8 year old Kia that cooperates most times, and other times makes me VERY nervous.
***I have never been on a week-long vacation (2 days has been my max).
****I am single (not by choice, but by God's current will).
*****I am heavier than society says I should be.
******I am still searching for that perfect career opportunity (more than most folks know...more than 99.99% of folks know).
*******And I am going through life alone...with no one to talk to, but God. He's all I have, and He is enough.

Even with all that, I am still BLESSED beyond measure.

*Although I have NO health insurance...I DO have my health.
**Although my bank account has dwindled down to nothing, I am still able to eat everyday and sleep in my own bed in my own home.
***I have THREE amazingly incredible children, who make me proud EVERYDAY.
****Although I don't have anyone CLOSE to talk to and share ALL that I'm going through at this time in my life...I have my faith, and that is invaluable.
*****Although I am crying on the inside most days, I still have a smile on the outside, so as not to bring others down. "Debbie Downer, I refuse to be!"
******Although NONE of my career dreams have come to fruition yet, I still have hope and I keep pressing forward, believing that they will...ONE DAY.
*******Although no one reads my beloved blog, the words still flow from my fingertips like water. Even if I am only writing for "An Audience of One", THAT is all I need.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home...

So...this past weekend, I had an INCREDIBLE time in the amazing city of Atlanta, GA. It was my first time there and I absolutely fell in love with all of the rich history there. As great as my experience was though, the time eventually came for me to head on back home.

As I do pretty much every time I travel, I took public transportation from my hotel to the airport. In this case, it was MARTA.

I get on the very crowded train, filled with Atlanta Falcons and New Orleans Saints fans, and there's no where to sit. So I grab onto a pole, and very white-knuckledly hang on for dear life. Thankfully, I only had to ride that way for one stop where the train practically cleared out.

I grab a seat, chatted with some nice ladies from Wis-KAHN-sin, and we finally arrived at the airport.

I head straight to the security checkpoint and found it interesting the way they do things there. You don't have to take your shoes off, and you don't have to take liquids out of your bag. They simply swab your hands. Simple enough, right?

So my turn comes up and the lady tells me to hold out my hands. I comply. She sees that I'm standing there with my hands out as if I'm about to catch something and she tells me that I can relax and put them down.

"This'll only take 10 seconds."

So I put my hands down and wait.

Next thing I know, her screen is FLASHING RED with the words "Explosive Substance Detected" (or something to that affect).

WHAT?!?

She looks at me and in a very stern and official tone she says, "So much for relaxing. I'm going to need you to step aside."

WHAT?!?

She then radios for backup because now, I have to be searched.

WHAT?!?

So two female agents come over, take my bags (I wasn't even allowed to TOUCH my things), and moved me over to the side where I was asked to remove my shoes. I complied.

One agent checked my feet while the other went through both of my bags...THOROUGHLY.

"Do you have any sharp objects in these bags?"

WHAT?!?

"No."

She continues to search and swab the inside of my bags looking for traces of who-knows-what.

Ok. Bag inspection is over. Foot inspection is over.

"Ma'am, we're going to need you to come into the private screening room so that we can do a body search."

WHAT?!?

Into the room we go.

I didn't have to undress, but I was touched...a LOT.

Finally I said, "I don't understand what made the machine go off. I don't have anything dangerous on me and the only thing I've touched was the pole on MARTA. That's probably where whatever was detected came from." I know I was reaching, but it was the ONLY thing that made any sense to me.

No response from either agent, just continued searching.

Finally one asks, "So Ma'am, where are you going?" Even in an event as serious as this, Georgians are still POLITE.

"Home to California."

"Ma'am, what were you here for?"

"My annual running conference."

"That's nice. Okay. Well you're all clear Ma'am. You can head to your gate now."

WHAT?! That's it...PHEW!

"Thank you."

And so began my trip back home which had even more hiccups in store, as in...a late departure due to a storm that was passing through...then missing my connecting flight by THREE minutes, and a plane ride that seem to last forever.

Nevertheless, it sure is good to be home!

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the CRAZIEST thing that ever happened to you at an airport?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Let's Talk About SEX!!!

Okay...now that I have your attention...no, we WON'T be talking about SEX. However, we WILL be talking about DEPRESSION.

I'm sure that I've written on the subject before, but with the recent celebrity suicide, I felt the need to write about it again.

I have heard so many rumors about what the reason may have been for this celebrity's suicide. But the bottom line is...who really knows? I've heard that he may have left a note which could possibly provide some insight, but even then...how much can a note really explain?

Then I got to thinking about myself. My world is currently spiraling faster that I can withstand. And as I've said before, all that I really have to hold onto, is my FAITH. Yes, my faith is the glue that holds me together when my world is falling apart.

I am thankful for my faith, yet realize that so many others don't share in the same, or don't participate in any faith at all. It leaves me to wonder...what holds THEM together when their world is crumbling?

Anyway...I made a bold move today and told a friend about my current situation and the circumstances that led up to it. Immediately, after I told him, I felt like a weight had been lifted. It just felt so good to talk to someone who wasn't being PAID to listen to me. I've been needing that for sooo long. A listening ear. His response, "You're depressed." I was like, "Um, yeah." He asked if I was on "meds" and I told him no. Nor do I want to be. I don't need my mind altered to cope with what I'm going through...I need TIME. And time is what I'm taking.

I wish that others would take the same.

There were lots of Facebook posts yesterday and today about depression, yet the one I found most interesting was between two of my friends...one, a believer in Christ...the other, not.

In a nutshell, the "non-believer" was wondering if believers never get depressed since our answer to everything tends to be: PRAY.
The believer said, "No. We do get depressed. We pray AND we seek help."

For the most part, I would say that's true. Yet there are still too many in the church who are depressed and not telling anyone about it. I happen to be one. NONE of my church members know about my current "life situation". NONE. Why not? Because I fear that they will "look at me sideways" and/or at the very least...think I've flipped my lid. So...I keep a happy face and don't say anything to anybody. Life just seems easier that way.

Mind you, I have no problem admitting that I see a therapist (which I do), who's been helping me develop coping strategies for my job. And every now and then she asks about other life issues, but 90% of our sessions have been work related.

So...I've said all that to say this...if you need help...GET IT. There is NO SHAME in getting help. NONE. Let the weight be lifted.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How do YOU handle depression when it hits?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Inhale...Exhale...REPEAT...

I did it. It's been a long time coming and I finally resigned from my job. Most folks say "quit", but that word has such a negative connotation and since I have chosen to be positive, I choose "resign."

I've gotta tell ya...it was the most difficult decision I have ever made...EVER. Yet I knew it was one that I had to make.

Do I have a new job? No.
Do I have new job lined up? No.
Has anyone called me for an interview? No.
Have I applied for a new job? Yes...MANY.
Will I receive unemployment? No.
Am I worried? No.
Do I know how I'm going to "make it"? Yes...by FAITH!

For months now (maybe even longer) my spirit has been so unsettled. I was going to a job that just wasn't a fit for me...at all. Day in and day out I'd go in. I was thankful for the job and God knew that. I prayed daily, and everyday I thanked Him for the job knowing full well that there are so many who would love to have it. I did the best I could at making it work. I really did. "Smile and Dial"...that's what I did. Against every fiber of my being, I "smiled and dialed" as every good little telemarketing cold-caller does. Until...

A position opened up in my department that I was far better suited for. An account management position similar to what I had done at previous companies. A position that I had done successfully well. So when it opened up I decided to apply for it. I had no idea that my request to apply would be denied by my immediate supervisor, yet that is exactly what happened. His reasoning, "Well if you don't like THIS, you won't like THAT." The day was May 21st, and from that day on, a little bit of me died each time I sat in my grey cubicle and picked up the phone to dial. I was having anxiety attacks and wasn't sleeping at night because I knew that if I fell asleep, I'd wake up in the morning and would have to go back and Sunday nights were the WORST! So staying up was my way of avoiding the inevitable. Doesn't make sense, I know. But when one is trying to cope, one does everything they can possibly think of just to "make it."

So...I went away for awhile and during my time away I came to a RESOUNDING conclusion...I WAS NOT GOING BACK. With all of the other uncertainties that I was facing, THAT was the only thing I was 100% sure of. Then came the next realization...I was taking up a seat and needed to give it up so that someone else could have it...someone who LOVES "smiling and dialing." I toiled with that one for a while and realized, it was bothering me because it was something that needed to be done. I had to leave.

Eventually, I let my H.R. manager know, and as troubled as she was by my decision (and the fact that I don't have a new job yet), she respected me decision and moved forward with the process. I may be the only person who's ever left the company voluntarily WITHOUT a new job, and without a husband or significant other to help them with what lies ahead. You see...I...have NO> ONE. And even if I were to tell anyone, they would simply think I'm crazy (which I'm not) or try to lecture me about my "terrible decision". Now THAT...would break my spirit, and I'm just not ready for it yet. Let me get some strength back first.

Bottom line is this, if I soar and land on my feet...I will land alone. And if I fall flat on my face...I will fall alone. That's pretty much been my journey...alone. No one knows what I've been going through and no one knows about this recent decision. There just isn't anyone to talk to. Nobody. Thank God for God though. No matter how many other folks have left me or simply don't want to be bothered with my troubles...HE is ever present.

So today was the day. I went in, packed up my stuff in 15 minutes, said goodbye to my team-mates, then met with H.R. to finalize the process.

Interestingly, I am okay with my decision. I have gone into it "head-first" and eyes wide open. Yet my spirit is at peace...complete and utter PEACE.

You see...I am trusting God. I have trusted Him before with major issues in my life and He has ALWAYS made a way. His track record is IMPECCABLE. Yes, I know that I have a HUGE part in this. I must apply for jobs at breakneck speed from here on out, and believe me, I will.

If I were going through this COMPLETELY alone, I'd be in a world of hurt and trouble. But because I am going through it with Him...and Him alone, I know that I will be okay. The road may be bumpy along the way, and I somewhat expect it to be. But with every bump...He'll be with me.

With that, I've taken the first step...a HUGE step...probably the biggest step I've EVER taken (at least as far as my career is concerned), and I have absolutely NO IDEA where the staircase ends. That's okay though...as long as God knows (and I know that He does)...then I have faith that He will lead and guide me...EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

Now for those of you who believe in Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior, PLEASE keep me in your prayers...'cause I need 'em...in a MAJOR WAY...I need them as I move forward. No turning back, I'm moving ahead...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What is the CRAZIEST career decision you've ever made?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Money...Don't Mention It!

Ok. So! There have been some MAJOR changes in my household over the past two days, and when I say MAJOR, I mean: ASTRONOMICAL, HUGE, LARGE-SCALE changes.

As a result, some things have had to go, namely Internet service and Cable. And if I can cut anything else loose, I will. We are now at the point where if we don't NEED it, we can't HAVE it. That pretty much means, roof over our heads, clothes on our backs (old...nothing new), and food in our bellies (meaning...whatever is in the fridge and cupboards RIGHT NOW...no buying anything new).

Yes folks, things are about to be EXTREMELY tight in my household for who knows how long. Nevertheless, I have FAITH. Faith in Jehovah Jireh (The LORD Will Provide).

Although I've been in tight situations before, I have NEVER EVER been in one THIS tight...EVER. But if I know anything, it is that there is NOTHING too hard for God...NOTHING. So this GARGANTUAN (and possibly life-changing) thing that I am going through right now is NOTHING for Him. He's got this, and He's got me...so I won't worry.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What is the tightest financial situation you've ever been in, and what was the end result?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Behind the Mask

So the past few weeks have been pretty tough and quite honestly, no one cares. Mind you...aside from my kids, no one really even knows what's been going on. I'm beginning to wonder if that's a trust issue on my part. I mean, some people tell EVERYBODY their problems. I on the other hand don't tell anybody anything. NOBODY. That's partly because I don't HAVE anybody.

For weeks I've been wanting to talk to my Pastor about what I'm going through, and although I've had MANY opportunities, I just can't bring myself to do it. He has so much on his plate and issues to deal with pertaining to other members that are far more important than mine. So...I simply haven't bothered.

That means that everything I'm dealing with is bottled up inside. We all know that's not good.

I just need somebody to talk to. Not a therapist, but a friend.

Sure, I communicate with God throughout the day by way of prayer (which is ME talking to HIM), and reading His Word (which is Him talking to ME). Yet I still need a HUMAN BEING by my side...just to listen and tell me that everything is going to be okay. And even if it isn't, then to tell me that they are here FOR me and WITH me no matter what happens next. Right now I am alone and lonely. Not a good combination if you ask me. Heck, ask anyone and they would agree as well.

I would say that I'll just keep "putting on my happy face", but I don't really even do that anymore. If people would actually look at me when I speak to them...I mean REALLY look at me, they would see that something's wrong. Not that I go around purposefully moping (because I don't) but because a bit of the usual sparkle that I tend to have has begun to dwindle. I can't see it from the outside, but I feel it on the inside.

What's a girl to do?

The answer: Keep livin'.

So there you have it folks. Oh what I wouldn't give for a REAL hug, or a REAL conversation with someone who genuinely wants to know how I'm doing...and doesn't mind hearing the truth.

Oh well. Today's another day, I'm 39 minutes in. As Psalm 34:1 states, "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

And...it's my Grammy's birthday. She would have been 86 today. I love her and I miss her, EVERYDAY. She was truly my BEST FRIEND. Loved me in spite of my flaws, and didn't expect me to perfect. When I made a mistake, she was still right there by my side. She may have had to correct me on an issue or two...but she was ALWAYS there. Never called me names, and never said things about me behind my back. A grandmother's love is like no other. Oh how I miss it. Oh how I miss her. If she were here, she'd be the one I'd call. She'd be the one to give me a hug. She'd say, "Dee-da, everything will be okay". If she were here.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time you took off your mask and let folks know how you were REALLY feeling?

Talk to me!

Til next time...