Weebled and Wobbled

So here we are, at the close of yet another year.

I wasn't really sure how I would celebrate the occasion.

In years past, I would go to "Watch Night Service" and ring in the new year with praise, worship, and a word from God.

Tonight though, I just want to be home, ALONE, with God.

I've gotta admit, this year just hasn't been the best. It may have been as bad (or possibly worse) than 2014. And in 2014, my Mom passed, so you know that must mean that 2015 was rough.

I dunno.

When I think about most of the tears that were shed this year, they were not over my Mom. When I think of her, most times I actually rejoice (and am a bit envious) because she has graduated from THIS life to the next and all of her pains, sorrows, disappointments are now COMPLETELY gone. No one letting her down. No one telling her that they love her and then disappearing. No friendships ending simply because she asked to be respected. Nope...my Mom doesn't have to deal with any of that any more.

I do though. Or should I say...I did.

When I think about the tears that were shed THIS year, they were over those still living here on earth. Those who were supposed to be for me, yet I discovered the opposite to be true. That was a hard pill to swallow, but it went down, came out the other end and has been flushed away.

I'm not taking any of that with me into the new year.

God has been "cleaning house" for the past 6 weeks and when HE "cleans house" He gets all up in the nooks & crannies. He's revealed a lot to me, and has shown me that some things (people) who I thought were good for me, simply weren't. So He's removed them. Hurts? Of course. But I know that these individuals did not leave as a result of anything that *I* had done, so that means that God moved them out. By the way...this isn't to say that I never do anything wrong in a friendship or relationship. Of course I do! The difference though, is that when it is brought to my attention that I have HURT and/or DISRESPECTED the other person...I acknowledge that, so that things can be made right. Apparently, not everyone feels I deserve that same respect. Unfortunate, but...c'est la vie.

So forward, onward, and upward it is.

Yesterday I was reflecting on what I have been viewing as "losses", and then realized that what (and who) I have left are what I am supposed to have. New people have come into my life. New friendships have developed and it was as though I could hear God say, "Your latter days will be greater than your former. I had to remove the old in order to make room for the new." I believe Him. I don't always understand Him, but I believe Him.

Funny...I was at work today and thought, "I'm not everybody's cup of tea, but for those who can handle strong coffee, I am just right."


Anyway...2015 dealt me some blows that I simply didn't expect AT ALL. But as the words of the song go, "Here I am, I'm still standing..."

I thank God for bringing me through another year, being with me THROUGH IT ALL. And if it be in His will, I look forward to getting through yet another, getting better, growing stronger and wiser.

I am also going to tackle this 365 posts in 365 days again. I only had 164 posts this year (including today's). I didn't have consistent internet access in 2015 and now I have better, so 2016 is already shaping up to have more success, at least where The Dialogue Den is concerned. With all of that said...

Goodbye 2015!

2016, I'm ready for ya!!!

Let the DIALOGUE begin: If you could choose a song for 2015, what would it be?

Talk to me! Click on the song and sing with me!! Here I am!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!!! May it be FILLED with the very best of God's BLESSINGS!

Til next time...

Approaching 2016

For the past two years I have gathered together with friends and have created my "Vision Board" for the upcoming year. Cutting out clippings from magazines of things that I had hoped to manifest in the coming year.

Last year's board was filled with LOVE. I had that word on my board more than anything else. I really wanted LOVE.

And I had it...for a good 11 months. Life was good. I had LOVE and I was happy.

Then things took a turn and...well...here I am, once again...loveLESS.

I'd say it's alright, but it's not. I really miss "Joe", but we were simply on two separate paths and he needed to take the one that lead him to himself. That road was narrow, and there wasn't enough room for both of us. He wasn't happy with where he was in his life, his accomplishments (or lack thereof) and he didn't feel that he could offer ME anything when there wasn't a whole lot that he could do for himself. For that, I can't even be angry. As much as it hurt, we had to let each other go.

Where he is now...who knows?

I last saw him about three weeks ago, and since then he hasn't returned calls or texts. Not that I've made many...and I won't make any more. Whenever, if ever he's ready to have me back in his life, he knows how to find me. And I believe that HE must find his way back to ME...not the other way around.

I still pray for him daily, asking God to bless him. That's all I can do at this point.

So yeah. LOVE was the highlight of last year's "vision board" and for the most part, I got what I wanted and enjoyed it while it lasted.

With 2016 fast approaching, I was gonna get together with my girlfriends again to work on the newest vision board. If I had MY way, it would be filled with pretty much the same as previous years: Love, Financial Security, A Blossoming Writing Career, Become Independently Wealthy, Great Health for myself and my children, Travel, and a host of other things.

But I got to thinking.

Maybe I need to take a different approach. Maybe, just maybe...THIS YEAR my vision simply needs to match whatever it is that God wills for me. Maybe, just maybe...I've been "envisioning" the WRONG things. Or maybe I had them in the WRONG order. Maybe, just maybe...I've been confused.

So for the year 2016, I only ask for ONE thing: WISDOM

If I were to create a "vision board" it would simply have that ONE word on it: WISDOM

I made a LOT of mistakes in 2015...I'm talking a PLETHORA. Had I exercised more WISDOM before doing some of -- correction -- MANY of the things I did this year, I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now. But, I've learned, and with WISDOM, I won't make the same mistakes again.

So...my faithful mantra-prayer-motto-vision for 2016 will simply be the words of James 1:5-6

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind."

I'm looking forward to a wisdom-filled year and pray that 2016's choices will lead me to where God intends for me to be and with what He intends for me to have. Not MY will Lord, but THY will be done.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: If you had to choose ONE word to live by in 2016, what would that word be?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

How'd that get there???

This was my Facebook post this morning:

"The trippiest thing just happened. I'm getting ready for work and saw that one of my earrings were on the bathroom counter. I noticed that the other earring wasn't there. So I look all over the bathroom, on the floor, under the rug, in the drawers, and could not find the other one. I finally decided that I just won't wear them today, and proceeded to brush my teeth. As soon as I finished brushing my teeth, I looked over to where the lone earring was, and there was the second earring! Out of nowhere it showed up. As if someone just placed it there when I wasn't looking. Now that would have made sense if someone else were here with me, but I'm home alone. So...WHERE DID THE OTHER EARRING COME FROM???
Kinda spooky, but I'm glad I have both earrings now.

Hours later I still don't know where the missing earring came from. I wished that there had been a camera running in my bathroom so that I could've witnessed exactly what happened. All I know for sure is that there was only ONE earring on the counter and it was NOWHERE to be found when I looked. Where that second one came from will forever be a mystery.

The experience most certainly inspired today's post:

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever looked for something only to have it "mysteriously" appear out of nowhere?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Is this thing ON?

So I have this little blog. I've had it since 2009. It has its own page on Facebook with 169 "Likes." I'd love for it to reach 200 by the end of the year!

I know that there have been some patchy areas where I've gone entire months without posting. In those cases, it was because I simply got discouraged and felt, what was the point in writing if no one was reading and DIALOGUING. As I have said from the beginning, this is not to be a place where I just spew and vent and everyone else listens.

No.

This was meant to be a place where grand discussions would take place. Like a Venus and Serena Williams tennis match. There was supposed to be a steady flow of comments going back and forth. That was the plan. Unfortunately, folks haven't hopped on board as I had hoped.

Nevertheless, I have continued posting.

I am thankful for the five "supporters" (I was pretty liberal with that number), who comment fairly regularly. I used the word "supporters" because I hate the word "followers." As for the other 164 who have "Liked" the page...I just don't know what it's gonna take to capture their interest enough for them to actually engage.

One thing I've done over the years is compare myself to other "bloggers." I have two friends with blogs of their own, and their writing style (although very similar to each other) is VERY different from mine.

They write with words and phrases that make you hear waves crashing and see butterflies passing by. Very "new-agey" kinda stuff. Although they write beautifully and in a thought-provoking manner, that's just not my style.

I mean, I hope to provoke thought, but I simply don't write in flowery pose, nor should I have to because where is the diversity in that?

So I've put out the call a number of times for folks to simply "Like" The Dialogue Den's page on Facebook. Heck...they don't even have to READ the posts if they don't want to. I'm simply asking for a "Like", which to most means very little, yet to me would mean so very much.

As morbid as this next statement may be, I've often thought that my writing won't be TRULY recognized until after I've gone home to be with the Lord. Then folks will decide to delve in and see what I was all about. At that point it'll be too late.

There's the song that says, "Give me my flowers while I yet live." That's how I feel about my blog. Don't wait for me to DIE and then "Like" it. "Like" it while I still have breath in my body so that I can know that this isn't all in vain.

It's such a small, effortless gesture. Yet it would mean the world to me. It would be as though folks are cheering me along in the background saying, "Yes! You ARE a writer, and the world needs your words!"

I dunno. Maybe asking for support and encouragement is more that folks are able to give. My heart says otherwise though. Although I am discouraged, I will not QUIT.

Anywhoo...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there something that you have asked folks to support you in and they simply haven't? If so, why do you think that is?

Talk to me PLEASE!!!

Til next time...

Damaged Wings Still Work

Saturday night I had a great time with a friend. We went to the Marina del Rey Christmas Boat Show (BRRR!!!) and then dinner.

My friend is a fantastic photographer. I love her work because she loves nature as much as I do, and does a great job capturing its image.

While we were at dinner she handed me a couple photos that she had taken and urged me to pick the one I liked. The pics were of various butterflies. All beautiful but one in particular caught my attention. It was brown, which is one of my two favorite colors. I told her that if she had taken a pic of a blue and brown butterfly (my favorite color combo) I surely would've chosen that one. Nevertheless, I was happy with the one I chose and immediately named the butterfly "Brownie." I know...not the most creative but that's what I was feelin' at the moment.

My friend looked at the pic and said, "I'm surprised you picked that one. It's wings look like it's been in a fight or something."

We both laughed at the thought of "butterfly fights."

But I said, "No. That's the one I want. I actually want it even more now that I see the damaged wings."

You see, even with its damaged wings, that butterfly is still flying...doing what God created it to do. And much like that butterfly, my wings have also been damaged, by so many things...mostly by the hurtful actions of others, yet...I'm still flying, doing what God created me to do. Living...and trying to be better each day than I was the day before.

So yeah...I'm almost certain that when my friend took the photo, she didn't realize that there would be such a powerful message behind it. But as I've said before, I find lessons and messages from God in so many things...especially in His creation.

This simple little butterfly reminds me to remember the words of 2 Corinthians 4:8

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit."

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's your FAVORITE butterfly?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Reading is FUNdamental...and so much MORE!

Question: Is there anything that you do in excess?

Eat?
Watch TV?
Exercise?

Anything???

I have recently come to the realization that I READ in excess. I mean, I just can't get enough. I am devouring books as though they will no longer be available to read.

I've always been a bit of a "bookworm" and now I am a "bookworm" on steroids.

For those who know the story regarding my eyes, then you understand why I read as much as possible. Every day that I open my eyes and can still SEE, is a GIFT. Every time I get to the end of another book...that too is a GIFT.

Between 2009 (when I first found out about my "condition") and 2013, I didn't ready ANYTHING. I was too depressed to pick up a book.

Then, out of the blue, I found a group on Facebook that was about to read "The Purpose Driven Life." I read that book and haven't stopped reading since. My library card is WORN OUT, and I love it!

So as long as God continues to let these eyes of mine function, I will continue to use them to their fullest, admiring the beauty of EVERYTHING I see, and devouring EVERY WORD I read.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was the last book you read?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Apology NOT Received

Weeks have passed. The apology has not come. The apology won't come because she is simply too stubborn to admit her wrong.

In spite of all that, it is well with my soul.

I have forgiven her (so that I can be FREE of bitterness and anger), lifted her up in prayer and have given her to God.

THIRTY EIGHT years worth of friendship down the toilet because she didn't care enough about my feelings to even ASK about my feelings, when she KNEW that she had disrespected my feelings.

It meant more for her to become "friends" with someone she didn't even know, than to remain friends with ME...someone she'd known all her life.

That's her choice and if she feels that she made the right decision, then as I told her when she asked...my feelings don't really matter, do they?

It's been said that TRUST takes years to BUILD, seconds to BREAK, and forever to REPAIR. That pretty much sums it up. I will not write about her again...EVER.

So...Let the DIALOGUE begin: How long did it take you to forgive the last person who broke your trust?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Me, Myself and I

A couple months ago some of my girlfriends got together for a "Girls Weekend" away. I wasn't invited.

Within the past month, I've had to pull away from someone very close to me because I came to the realization that she doesn't really care about me or our friendship the way I thought.

Tonight, at this very moment actually, those same girlfriends (and a few more) are all dining at a local restaurant (that I've always wanted to try), having a "Girls Night Out." I wasn't invited.

It's interesting really. I'm pretty nice to folks and my nature is to give them the level of kindness and respect that I would expect in return. I don't get into altercations. I don't create drama. I approach folks with love because that is how I desire to be approached.

Yet...

Something is being lost in the connection. How is it that an entire group of women (when I truly consider to be friends) would not even mention the events when they are being planned. Somehow, I am a complete oversight...heck, based on the way things have played out, I'm not sure that I've even come up in their thought process.

Am I angry about being left out (more than once)? No.
Am I hurt? Not really.

For some reason, which I don't fully understand, God is separating me from folks. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them, but for whatever His reasons are, He's pulling me away. And I think I'm okay with that...I think.

Maybe He wants me to create new friendships. Or maybe He's trying to show me that I didn't need as many as I thought I did. I just don't know. All that I do know is that there's been a shift. I can either go against the shift, or with it. I choose to go with because my curiosity desires to see where it leads.

So at this point, who knows? Perhaps He's not finished pulling (or pruning) and even more relationships will "change." Seems that I'm getting pretty experienced at this whole thing, so if and/or when it happens, I'm sure I'll recognize it for what it is.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there a restaurant that you've been wanting to try? If so, which one?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Dear Lord...

Very recently, as I was sharing about all of the overwhelming things that are going on in my life, I mentioned prayer, and how there was ONE thing that I was heavily praying for. This ONE thing I wanted more than anything else.

Now I know that I lot of folks think that prayer is just a bunch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo, and that there's no "Big Guy in the sky" who's hearing ANYTHING. I do agree with that, PARTIALLY. He's NOT "in the sky." He's EVERYWHERE.

For me however, as a follower of Christ, I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer. Sometimes (many times actually), prayer can be frustrating. In this "microwave age" that we live in, we've lost the patience that is required when waiting. We want everything NOW, or five minutes ago. WAITING? Nobody wants to do that. Certainly not I.

But OHHH...when a prayer is uttered, and very soon thereafter ANSWERED...it just adds another coal to the "belief furnace" and kicks one's faith up just a few notches higher.

That happened to me yesterday. I had been praying hard and heavy for something. Wrote it down in my prayer journal, and although it seemed to be a "lost cause", I continued to petition God for this thing that I so greatly wanted. Never in my prayers do I utter the words, "Lord, if you are ABLE..." But always, "Lord, if you are WILLING..." You see, as much as I know what I want, I had to come to a level of spiritual maturity to understand that God's will for me will ALWAYS trump my own...even when it hurts to think that He may not give me what I desire. That's how I felt about this particular situation. I just wasn't sure how it was gonna go.

Monday night I hit a low. Did something that I wasn't sure I should do, yet knew I had to. Wasn't sure what the result would be, I just knew that I had to do this particular thing.

As I prepared to settle in for bed much later that night, mentally and physically drained, I said my prayers for the last time that day and went to sleep.

Within hours, my prayer...the one I had so strongly been uttering for weeks, was answered, and I smiled the first GENUINE smile that I had smiled in WEEKS. All I could do was THANK GOD, because I knew that it was only He who orchestrated things in the manner that they unfolded.

So no...for me, prayer isn't a munch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo. For me, prayer is MY way of COMMUNICATING with God. The Bible is HIS way of communicating with me. The communication MUST flow both ways in order for it to be effective.

As I write the words, I don't know how things will continue to develop with the prayer that God answered. But the moments of joy that I received as a result of what He did still have me flying high, and I feel that I can go on wee bit further. He knew I needed that. In His omniscience...of course He knew. And although He didn't have to grant me what He did...I am ever so thankful that He did.

Enough about me. How 'bout you? Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time you said a prayer and very clearly knew that it had been answered?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Friends?

EPIPHANY: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Life gives us many "light bulb moments." It gave me one just recently and it made things so much more clear for me.

With the advent of Facebook, many relationships have developed. Quite possibly, just as many have ended. Folks spark friendships with people they've never even met in person. Yes, even I have done it. I must say though, some of my very dearest friends today are those I met on Facebook FIRST, then later down the line we met and "hit it off" just as naturally.

Then there are other folks (really only ONE comes to mind) who I met on Facebook, but never met in person, and absolutely COULD NOT STAND! The "friendship" with this person was so strained. Anytime I'd see her comment on a post my stomach would knot up because I knew it would be NEGATIVE...especially if it was a post that I created. She was DESPICABLE! Called me a "manipulative piece of work" once when I deleted her negative comments from my page. She recently commented negatively on something else I posted and my spirit said, "That's it! She's gotta GO!!" I had to block her. Yep, I think she may be the first person (and hopefully the last) that I've ever had to block. Sure, I could've just "unfriended" her, but I'd still be able to see her posts in some of the groups that she and I were in together...and she'd still be able to "tag" me in stuff (unless I change my settings). For me, it was just easier, and best for us both, to simply block her. Now, she will NEVER have to see my name ANYWHERE...nor will I have to see hers. So you see...some Facebook friendships are never meant to develop into anything, and if they fizzle out, there's really no love lost 'cause you didn't really know the person anyway.

Next, we have the friendships that started out IN PERSON, and had their run on Facebook, only to end on Facebook...but not so much in real life. I have 2 relationships like that. For one of those people, it's really best that we NOT be Facebook friends, and for the other...although I still desire a friendship with this person in "real life", I NEVER want to be friends with them again on Facebook. It simply does NOTHING to enhance our friendship, and at this very moment, has actually created a divide.

So...if that second person ever decides to reconcile, I'm here. No, I'm not gonna go running TO that person to reconcile because it's not my responsibility THIS TIME. That person did ME wrong, so THAT person has to fix this. Plain and simple. I've reached out. That person did not reach back. My part is done.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are there people in your life who you would never want to be friends with on Facebook?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I'm Still Here

I sat here at the computer this morning with the intention of writing about one thing, but as I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I came across this photo and decided to switch gears.

It made me think about the folks I've recently distanced myself from as a result of some disrespectful things that were done to me by them, and they have not reached out even ONCE to find out how to repair the situation (that they created). As the days go by, I'm really beginning to realize that in spite of what they've told me in the past, when the rubber hits the road -- I really don't matter in their lives. Maybe at one point I did, but at this particular juncture in time, I simply don't.

Hurts? Sure. But, my middle name is RESILIENT

(or at least it should be), so...as with every other offense committed against me...I will get over and through this as well.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Is there anyone in your life who you used to be close with, and have since had to part ways? If so, how long has it been, and do you even remember what caused the riff?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Rule XV

Every morning when I wake up I begin my day with prayer. For the past couple of weeks I have also incorporated reading a chapter from Og Mandino's, "A Better Way to Live."

There are so many great principles in that book...seventeen to be exact. He calls them "rules."

This morning I read "Rule XV" and it spoke so loudly to me based on things, or more specifically, PEOPLE I've been dealing with lately. It helped justify some of my recent decisions and reinforced the fact that although some decisions may be painful, they're necessary in order for me to maintain a positive level of health and wellness.

Bottom line (and I'm paraphrasing):
I do not have to allow negativity into my space. If someone is bringing me down, intentionally hurting me, unintentionally hurting me (but when I make them aware of the offense they CHOOSE to do nothing about it), and/or only speaking negativity into my life...the decision is up to me with regard to how close I let them get to me.

At this point in my life, I can only have those around me who are here to support, encourage, uplift (and most certainly NOT smile in my face while STABBING me in the back).

My circle may be growing smaller, and folks may be hating and/or calling me everything but a "Child of God." That's ok I imagine. I have spent ALL of my life trying to make other folks happy...walking on eggshells so as not to offend them or "make them mad" at me. But where has that gotten me? It's gotten me disrespected and having folks think they can treat me any old way. Well...NEWSFLASH...those days are GONE.

As I said in a previous post, the older I get, the more I become like my Mother. She spoke her mind ALWAYS. If someone offended her, she confronted them. If they walked out her life afterward as a result, she was ok with that. She didn't suppress her feelings for the sake of "being liked." You either liked my Mother for the "real deal" that she was, or you stepped. No skin off her nose, as she would say...and none off mine either.

As Porky Pig would say..."That's All Folks!"

It's a BEAUTIFUL morning, and my day is JAM PACKED with FANTASTIC people I love spending time with. I've been looking forward to this day for WEEKS. So I'm about to get out there and "let it do what it do!" I hope you do the same.

For those who love me...and I mean GENUINELY love me...I love you right back! MUAH!!!
And for those who don't...I love you too (because Christ commands me to). You've simply taught me that I need to love YOU from a distance.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What do YOU have planned for this lovely Saturday?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Beer please.

Tonight's gonna be another "light" one because I think it just needs to be.

I was thinking earlier about root beer floats and how my Mom used to make them when I was little. Sometimes we'd have strawberry soda floats. My favorite though were always root beer. I don't think I've even had a root beer float since she last made one.

One thing I do have often though is root beer by itself. I love root beer. Yeah yeah...I know that soda is bad for us, yadda yadda yadda.

Interestingly, I rarely buy soda for home. But when I dine out...I always order root beer. I don't really have a favorite brand. I like 'em all.

I'm sure you can guess what tonight's topic will be. If not, well then...

Let the DIALOGUE begin: For those of you do drink soda...what's YOUR favorite flavor? And have you ever made it into a float?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Hanging on by a very Thin Thread

So many things have happened to me in the past month. Yet more and more keep happening. Some things I've shared with others. Some, I've shared with none. Yet God has seen EVERYTHING that has happened and He (I believe) has been orchestrating ALL of it. I say that because many of the things that have happened have gone way beyond my comprehension. Things so unexpected.

Some things, I never THOUGHT would happen...did.

Others, I never WANTED to happen...they did too.

And people. People have been so very mean, nasty, and disrespectful. I'm talking, "going for the jugular" mean. And I'm not just talking ONE person. At this moment at least THREE come to mind. Like they really want to see me crumble to the ground. It's hurtful, and at the same time, it has my guard WAY UP. I don't profess to be a saint, and I am FAR from perfect. But I do my best to treat people right, and with RESPECT. If I know that you are hurting as a result of something I have done...I'm gonna fix it...because that's the RIGHT thing to do. What I will NEVER do is know that I have hurt you and let you keep hurting. That's just WRONG. I'm not made that way. I'm just not.

Then there's this other thing...this thing that's been nagging at me. Someone very close to me has a secret. A secret that would break me if I knew about it. I'm pretty sure that I know what it is, but I will wait for God to reveal it, and will deal with it at that time. It's been said, "That which does not kill me only makes me stronger." But this secret that I'm waiting to be revealed, will come pretty darned close. I can't worry about it though. God knows ALL. He knows the things that I have done to hurt others, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and he knows what these individuals have done to hurt ME...in a MAJOR way. They are probably laughing about it, but He knows, and my spirit knows too.

In spite of everything, I have (and will) continue to pray. I also know that I have folks praying on my behalf, in the name of Jesus. I know that God is hearing those prayers, (although I'm not sure if mine are going any higher than the ceiling) and though things appear to be getting worse, I know that I'm not going through them alone.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4

That's about all I can write about tonight. My head is cloudy which means I need to go spend even more time with God.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever encountered people who were just mean to you for no reason?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

And Breathe...

When life gets too heavy (as mine has become lately), sometimes we must step away from all that's weighing us down and simply take a moment to breathe.

With all that has taken place in my life recently, there's only ONE thing that I desperately want. ONE thing that will change my life completely. ONE thing that will lessen the importance of everything else. That ONE thing I will continue to take to God in prayer, faithfully believing that He will answer...in His time.

Until then, for tonight, I will write about the only things I have the emotional and mental energy to handle right now: Flowers and Butterflies. That's it. I can't handle, or write about ANYTHING heavier than those two things.

How 'bout we start with flowers? So many to choose from. Although I love orchids, my FAVORITE flower is a SNAPDRAGON.

My love for snapdragons began as a young girl during my summer visits to Ohio. I loved sticking my finger in the flower's "mouth" and letting it chomp down. I could do that for hours and never get bored. Seems like there were snapdragons EVERYWHERE in Ohio. I rarely see them here in California, but when I do...yes...I squeeze the sides, and in goes my finger. The little girl in me will NEVER stop doing that.

And butterflies.

I really don't have a favorite, although the one pictured here in the post could very well become my favorite, seeing that it's blue and brown...my FAVORITE color combination.

But more than the coloring of butterflies, I am absolutely FASCINATED by how they come to be. From eggs, to caterpillars, to pupa in a chrysalis. Then metamorphosis, and voila...a brilliantly beautiful BUTTERFLY.

Just another one of those things that make me declare, "Our God is AWESOME!" Only He, can create life that way. Creator of ALL.

Anyhoo...as I've done before, and I will ask again...for those who pray in the name of Jesus...please say a prayer for me. I won't go into specifics, but God, being omniscient as He is, already knows. And I thank you in advance.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's YOUR favorite flower?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Lemons, Sugar and Water

Life's been kinda crappy for me lately. Especially in the past month. Especially these past few days. That's alright though. The lower folks try to kick me down, the higher up I bounce.

One thing's for sure...I am really getting tired of always being the one reaching out to repair messes that I didn't even create. Always the peacekeeper. For what?!?

Contrary to what people may think, I am NOBODY'S doormat. Never have been. Never will be. People mistake my kindness for weakness, but I assure you...there's NOTHING weak about ME. I am RESILIENT. I get knocked down more than most folks I know, but my God continues to lift me up, He always will.

There's that old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well I have a whole ORCHARD of lemons and I'm doing something far better with them than making lemonade. Although I would REALLY love to squeeze them in the eyes of some folks, as the picture suggests...that's not how I roll.

When I'm wrong, I admit that I'm wrong. That's what ADULTS do. But when I have BEEN wronged (no matter how small the offense), I expect for others to acknowledge their wrongdoing. If they choose not to, that simply means that I never meant anything to them...not now, not ever.

SO (inhale, exhale...breathe), Let the DIALOGUE begin: What do YOU do when life gives YOU lemons?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

I'm so Becky!

Last night, I spent time with some of my family members who were visiting from Ohio, my Mom's side of the family.

Oh what a time we had!

It was so nice to sit and talk about family members who are no longer here, and the great times we had as kids. We went through old photos and my cousin went around the room and gathered info from everyone so that he could update our ancestry.com family tree.

Two of the highlights for me were hanging with my cousin Resa, who loves to talk as much as I do! It was awesome!!! There were times when she would actually stop and say, "Wait, was that ME talking, or YOU?" HILARIOUS!!!

The other highlight was having so many people say how much like my mother I am...especially in looks. Yes, I am most definitely my mother's twin and the older I get, the more evident that becomes.

Interestingly, in personality, she and I are NOTHING alike. My Mom was a pistol...a spitfire. I, am quite the opposite. I wish I had more of her fire, more of her spunk, more of her "I don't give a f*ck what you think about me, this is me...PERIOD!" Man, I wish I had more of that.

Little by little, I'm developing that spunk. What I'm learning as a result is that friends drop off like flies when you start standing up for who you are and what you believe. On my Mom's last day, she didn't leave behind many friends, but EVERYBODY know what my Mother was about, and that she didn't take no mess...from ANYBODY.

So...as I get older, I hope to have more people notice how much like my Mom I am becoming. Not just in looks, but in personality. I am sick of taking sh*t from people, and it's about time that changes.

Now...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you anything like YOUR Mom, either in personality or looks, or both?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

How would you feel if I...

I AM TIRED.

So very tired.

Tired of being misunderstood.

Tired of having to explain my feelings when they are pretty clear.

Tired of right being wrong and wrong being right.

Tired of being made to feel that MY feelings don't matter, or that they are unwarranted.

Tired.

I am one of the easiest people for most folks to figure out. What you see is what you get. Life is just simpler that way. Yet as a result of "just being ME", I am again...MISUNDERSTOOD, and TIRED!

There is waaay too much going on in my world right now (crap that would BREAK most people), for me to have to justify my feelings. Waaay waaay too much. I just can't do it.

Right now, my energy (ALL OF IT) has to be focused on this crumbling world around me...and how to keep it from falling apart further.

If folks decide to walk away from me while it's crumbling, or throw some of the debris AT me, that's their prerogative. But for those who actually know me (TRULY know me) to be a decent person (which I know I am)...feel free to pick up some of these bricks I'm carrying. There are plenty to go around. How? By being mindful of your actions. Before you do something, ask yourself, "How would I feel if someone did this to me?" If the answer is, "betrayed"...then DON'T DO IT. Simple. And if you're unsure...ASK the person first how they would feel about you doing "xyz". ASK! Not AFTER you do it, but BEFORE.

I've heard it said, "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." I wholeheartedly disagree. Whoever came up with that is full of crap. If you ask PERMISSION first, THAT will alleviate the need for FORGIVENESS. Doing things the other way around just causes problems, especially when the action will possible effect someone else...negatively.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU were misunderstood? Once you explained yourself, did that clear things up, or did the person who misunderstood you simply close their ears to any further understanding?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Cha Ching!

I did it!

Or should I say...I didn't do it.

In honor of boycotting "Black Friday", I didn't spend one red cent on ANYTHING today. Mind you, big business isn't gonna miss my little "woulda been" purchases today, but if ALL Black people had kept their dollars in their pockets today, then a real impact would have been seen and felt.

I dunno. Black folks are always making demands and crying out for change and social justice, but when asked to hold back on purchasing items (that we really don't need anyway), "the cause" goes right out the window...and "big business" is laughing all the way to the bank.

Anyway...I did MY part, as small as that part was. My conscious is clear. At the very least, I can say that I tried.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How many Black Friday deals to you take advantage of today?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Accidental Discovery

Yesterday I had to do something that I didn't want to do, but knew that it had to be done. It was really the first of a few things that NEED to be done. Of course, I have been procrastinating because this process is a bit painful, but as I have prayed and asked for God's direction, I know that I have to be obedient and heed His instructions.

So as I was going through my phone, deleting photos and text messages, one of the steps in the process was to change the cover photo on my phone. I decided to replace what WAS with a nice serene photo of "My Place of Peace", or as most call it,"the beach."

Interestingly though, it had been sooo long since I last changed my phone's cover photo (maybe it's called the 'Home Screen'), I had to fiddle with the settings to find out how to do it.

As I was fiddling I made quite a discovery. This may seem small to most folks, but it was pretty HUGE to me. I discovered that in my "widgets", there is a FLASHLIGHT. What?!? Yes...a FLASHLIGHT. It's not an app that I downloaded to my phone...apparently it came WITH the phone.

Now I've had my phone for almost 2 years and never knew that it had a flashlight. Every night when I get ready to go to bed, I turn off the lights in the living room and press the button on my phone that lights up the screen just enough for me to see my way to the bedroom. For almost TWO YEARS I've been doing that! Now, thanks to my latest discovery, I won't have to do that anymore.

Now, most folks would just end the discovery there. Whoo hoo...found the flashlight on my phone...no big deal.

But y'all know me. I see lessons and messages from God in pretty much everything. This flashlight discovery was no different.

The lesson I learned last night was that sometimes we place our focus on something that is so much of a distraction that we are unable to see anything else. And it isn't until we remove the distraction that we can then see what else has been waiting to be seen, and or discovered.

Had I not decided to change the cover pic on my phone, who knows if I would have ever discovered the flashlight.

In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, there are many more changes that I know I must make. Changes I don't want to make, yet changes I need to make...unless God directs me otherwise. At this point though, and in this particular situation, I have said...as I should have said long ago, "Not MY will, but THY will be done." Perhaps my prayers have gone against what God wants for me, and that is why I have ended up in this place. So I have decided to surrender to His will. As painful as that is for me, because I am afraid that His will may NOT match mine. Ultimately, I have to trust and believe that His will is best.

For those who believe and pray in the name of Jesus...please say a prayer for me if you will. And while you're at it, please say one for my Dad as well. We both need your prayers...for very different reasons, yet we both need them. Thank you in advance.

Now...with tear-filled eyes...Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU made an "accidental discovery?"

Talk to me!

Til next time...

What's Cookin'?

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I couldn't care less.

I give thanks to God for His many blessings EVERYDAY of the year. It's the very first thing I do EVERY morning, and the very last thing I do EVERY night. And throughout the day there are many more thanks and praises sprinkled in. So for me, Thanksgiving is "just another day."

What tomorrow means to me, more than anything, is a much needed day off...followed by ANOTHER much needed day off. This is the 4 day weekend that I look forward to every year. Vacation days are so few and far between for me (and it seems that they accumulate like molasses), so when these 4 days come around I am absolutely ELATED.

I won't be cooking, but I have plenty of salmon and veggies to keep me perfectly happy if that's what I end up eating tomorrow.

I dunno.

Maybe I don't care much about Thanksgiving because my Mom is no longer here. But even when she was, we didn't do anything big or fancy. She and my dad had stopped cooking "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner YEARS ago. When I think about it...I did too.

I made a turkey and all the fixin's last year, and the turkey was terrible. Tough. Tasteless. Terrible. There was no LOVE in it at all. We had just had my Mom's homegoing service a couple days earlier and my mind was really not in the right place to prepare a big family dinner.

I picked up some things this evening to take to one of the homes that I've been invited to, and I might not even eat when I get there. I'm just not feeling Thanksgiving-ish AT ALL.

My kids were gonna by a bunch of food and have me cook it so that we could have Thanksgiving here at home, but I quickly vetoed that. I don't want to COOK, and I don't want to EAT. I just want to BE. As I write those words I realize that it's probably selfish of me to NOT cook. But it's not like they're not going to have Thanksgiving dinner...they're just not going to have it here.

Who knows. I might just find myself at the beach again. I'm guaranteed to have the place to myself again. There's so much I need to talk with the Lord about, and although I know I can talk to Him anywhere, the beach always makes our time together so very special. We'll see.

So anywhoo...that'll be my day tomorrow. I'm sure that I will attend Thanksgiving service at my church, but aside from that, the rest of the day is pretty much up in the air.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Are you COOKING Thanksgiving dinner, or will you be dining with others at their homes?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

On This Day...

On this day one year ago, we said our final "public" farewell to my Mom.

I still remember all of the stress that led up to the day. Never before had I had to make "arrangements" for anyone. I had simply attended Homegoing services, but never PLANNED one. There was so much to be done, and I was barely one month into my new job so I couldn't take time off. Everything pretty much had to be handled when I got of work. It was EXHAUSTING!!!

Figuring out when and where the service would be held was probably my biggest disappointment. I really really (can I say really one more time) wanted MY pastor to officiate the service at so that my church family could attend. Unfortunately, my church already had a big event planned for the day that my Dad wanted to have the service, so NO ONE from my church was able to attend. The event that day was MANDATORY and ALL MEMBERS had to be in attendance. To this day, that still hurts. I know that it wasn't planned that way intentionally, but my Mom was only going to have ONE Homegoing service. That was pretty big deal to me and my family. But...as with so many things, I had to "suck it up", "put on my big girl pants" and understand that nothing was going to change, so we had to proceed as planned. Thankfully, some of my former church members were able to attend and in that, I found comfort.

We decided to have the service at my brother's church, and his pastor officiated. All in all, (although he arrived QUITE late), it all worked out.

Getting the obituary done...that was difficult. Two years before my Mom passed, she had already written it. Just as my mother was UNIQUE and unlike anyone else you'll ever meet in you life...so too was her obituary.

Getting it put into the format that she had written, along with including pictures was quite a task...and EXPENSIVE.

Flowers. Do you have any idea how much floral arrangements cost...in addition to WHERE one is supposed to get said floral arrangement? Well it turns out that the best deal on pretty much ANYTHING is Downtown L.A. So that's where I heady. The area was a bit "seedy" but hey, I needed these flowers...and...I got 'em.

Then there was the repast. Where would that be held. Thankfully, my cousins opened up their home and we all had a very nice gathering in honor of my Mom.

I was a mess...a stressed out mess!

And then there was "Joe." Poor Joe. I remember one day he called, and I may have said "Hello?", which was followed by him asking how I was doing, and just like that...the floodgates opened and I dumped EVERYTHING on him. Once I was done and he did what he could to calm me down, he proceeded to tell me that he had been in an accident that day. I felt like such an ass.

I had spent so much time whining and complaining about MY problems, it never dawned on me to ask how things were going with him. Thankfully he was hurt in the accident...his car just had a few bumps. Even with my mood swings and high stress levels, he was right by my side the entire day of the service. Picked me up that morning, told me everything would be okay, brought me home that night and still told me that everything would be ok. I thank God for him EVERYDAY.

So much has happened from that day until now. I miss my Mom somethin' awful. It's a feeling that I just can't describe and as shallow as it sounds, I just don't think that anyone other than someone whose Mom has passed can truly understand. There's just an empty space that my Mom used to fill and nothing else can fill it.

Nevertheless, I still rejoice in knowing that she is not in any more pain. For the past year and 13 days, she has experienced joy, UNSPEAKABLE JOY. Knowing that, I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever had to plan a funeral...or as we Christians call it...a Homegoing service? If so, how did it go?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Take What Ya Momma Gave Ya!

A few years back, I was at my parent's house for a visit and I noticed that my Mom had this big ol' stack of towels in the living room. I asked why she had so many and she told me that they were on sale so she bought a bunch. After bringing them home she realized that she had waaay too many. I thought so too.

I told her that if she had the receipt, she should take the extras back. She said no, she didn't want to be bothered with going back.

I offered to return them and she still said no. Just seemed like too much hassle.

Then she told ME to take some of the extras.

I said, thanks, but no thanks, because they were purple and NOTHING in my bathroom (nor my home for that matter) was purple. My color scheme (if we can call it that) is Blue and Brown. Purple just wouldn't go.

After some back and forth, she insisted that I take them, so I agreed and brought five of them home with me.

Fast forward to present day. My Mom is no longer here, but EVERY TIME I look at or use one of those dag-gone purple towels, I think of her. Yes...I'm so glad that I listened.

Who knew then that something as simple as a towel would trigger memories of my Mom.

So in case you're wondering what the lesson of this story is, I'll tell you: ALWAYS take what your Mom wants you to have! Trust me, one day when she's gone, you'll be glad you did.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What has YOUR Mom "urged" you to take that you didn't really want to, but now you're glad you did?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

To the Cornfield!!!

Yesterday I got into a bit of a Facebook tiff with one of my "acquaintances". This woman has got to be one of THE MOST argumentative people on the planet. Yesterday was just one of MANY times that she has challenged something I said because my POSITIVITY goes against her PESSIMISM.

Due the the lack of response that I received from my request on Thursday to help my friend out financially, I posted the following yesterday morning:

"How would you feel if you knew you had the opportunity to help someone out of a very bad situation, yet you chose not to and that person's situation became exponentially worse?
Think about that for a moment and then PLEASE help me help my friend. I wouldn't keep asking if this wasn't important. PLEASE help."

Well...she had to chime in and say that if the situation was going to be "exponentially worse" then it's too late to help anyway, so what's the point. And...WHY would she (or anybody) want to help a stranger...yadda, yadda, yadda. NEGATIVE.

Now for those who know me...I mean REALLY know me, they know that I don't do negativity. There is simply no room for it in my heart, nor on my Facebook page...so I deleted her comment.

Apparently, she was monitoring the post because she then came back and saw that her comments had been deleted, to which she then proceeded to call me a "manipulative piece of work". Why? Because I choose to control MY Facebook page. Call me what you will (I've been called worse), but I don't have to have that mess on my page if I don't want it. It was taking away from the whole point of the post, so it had to go.

She later came back with even MORE negativity and at that point I not only deleted the newest comment, but made it so that she could no longer see the post. I mean REALLY...some people just LOOK for a fight. I don't operate that way. Just as I do not watch horror movies because I believe that we need to control the images that are put in our minds, I also don't let negativity in. If I can control it in any way...it has GOT TO GO!

Yesterday's antics reminded me of the Twilight Zone episode where Anthony sends "bad things" to the cornfield. Man...I sure wish I had a cornfield yesterday!!!

Interestingly, I thought she would have "unfriended" me after yesterday. I thought about "unfriending" her, but then I thought, "Why do that?" I'm gonna keep letting my Light shine, and maybe some of it will seep into her darkness.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: How do YOU deal with negative people in your life?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Money's Too Tight to Mention!!!

This morning I posted the following on Facebook:

"Q: How do you eat a $3500 elephant?
A: 100 $35 bites at a time.
I need help. I wouldn't think of asking ONE person for $3500 but perhaps 99 of you can GIVE (because I am unable to pay it back) $35 each.
Most of you know that I am a VERY private person and wouldn't get to this point of asking for help if I didn't really need it. Some suggested that I pawn some items but I'd have to HAVE something of value in order to pawn it. I don't have any. I live humbly and have very little.
For those who are struggling financially, PLEASE disregard this message. But for those who CAN spare it, YOUR generosity is greatly appreciated.
If you need to know what I need the $ for, it's to help a really good and deserving friend who is simply out of options. Most of you know me well enough to know that if I *could* help on my own, I *would*. Unfortunately, I just can't -- aside from $35 that I *am* able to offer (because I would never ask others to more than I am able to do myself).
Please keep any negative/unhelpful comments to yourselves. I'm sure that many will have unfavourable opinions about this post. I don't need those right now...I just need help for my friend.
Thank you in advance. For those who are able and willing, please message me and I'll give you my info.
1 John 3:17"

I know that seems a bit out of the ordinary, but my friend's situation is EXTRAordinary, and I wasn't gonna sit back and not do anything when I know how greatly HELP is needed.

Unfortunately, but not very surprising...only TWO people responded. Out of 500+ "friends" (I know 500 isn't a lot compared to most, but this isn't a popularity contest...at least not for me), only TWO responded. That prompted me to write the following post, which I've just decided to share here because the same folks who ignored my earlier plea would just ignore this one as well. But, for poops and giggles, here it is:

"Out of 500+ "FB friends", I am sooo thankful for the TWO who took time to even respond to my earlier post about my friend in need. May God bless those two with the best that Heaven has to offer. If folks even knew the HALF of my friend's situation, more would've offered to help. It's pretty DIRE otherwise I wouldn't have taken such a drastic measure. All the time people complain about what's wrong in society. Well...THIS is what's wrong!

*Disappointed, but not surprised.*"

Yep...that sure is what I wanted to post.

So at this point I simply have to trust that all will turn out well for my friend. I wish I could help...really I do, but I just don't understand why it's so difficult for other folks to help. Perhaps if I said that I needed the money for myself, then folks would've stepped up. After all...many did that when I was unemployed with ZERO money coming in. My friends stepped up royally. Sure...I could have said that this time it's for me too...but that's dishonest and the last thing I need are ill-gotten gains.

At this point I will continue to pray for my friend, yet although I know that prayer works, I also know that sometimes there needs to be some action accompanying that prayer. In this case, there needs to be $3500 worth of action.

Anyhoo...Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever had to ask for money from friends and/or family? Notice I didn't say "borrow". I'm talking about money that you needed and KNEW you wouldn't be able to pay back.

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Today, as I do everyday, I was listening to Pandora at work. I love listening to Gospel because it keeps me inspired and lifts my spirit at times when it is oh so very low (as it has been since last Thursday).

I have a number of Gospel artists selected as "stations" and for the past two days I have been listening to the Kim Burrell station. That station plays a lot of what I'm used to and has introduced me to some amazing NEW songs. Not that they've JUST come out, but that I've just never heard before.

One that I have absolutely fallen in love with is "I've Got A Reason" by Dorinda Clark Cole. That song will pull you out of a "pity party" quick, fast, and in a hurry. Love, love, love that song!

Then I heard one by someone named Anaysha. Her song was called "Holy One". As I listened I became so uncomfortable. She kept promising to never let God down, and kept asking Him to give her one more chance. She kept making promise after promise, and I kept thinking to myself, "God is listening to all these promises and He's saying, 'Quit lying!'"

I mean REALLY!

I know that as Christians we are to strive to be the best that we can be for God, and to honor God. Yet at that same time, I (I'll just speak for myself) fall DAILY.

I wake up with good intentions, and ask Him every morning to lead me, guide me, and direct me in the way that I should go. EVERY DAY this is my prayer. And EVERY DAY I seem to veer off course.

Sometimes I end up in situations that I just didn't see coming. Other times, I willingly walk right into them. As a result, I have learned to not make promises to God that I know I can't or won't keep. I just don't do it.

Now I'm sure that there are some "perfect" Christians who "hit the mark" OCCASIONALLY, but this here Christian MISSES it, far more often than I HIT it. To that, I simply thank God for His forgiveness that comes by way of the shed blood of Christ on the cross...and I start all over again each day. Some days He's more pleased with me than others...this I am sure of.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time you made a promise to God...and did you keep it?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

One Year Later

And...here we are.

Today marks the last of my "Year of Firsts". This is the 1 yr anniversary (if you will) of my Mom's passing.

What a year it's been.

All in all I think I've handled it well.

I miss going to her home and having her wake up (she slept a LOT), and then make her way into the living room where she'd sit in her favorite chair and chat until she got tired and needed to head back to bed.

I miss the way that she spoiled her "fur-babies". They loved them some her and she love her some them. When she passed, her dog Lazarus fell into a deep depression. I didn't know that dogs had feelings like that...but he did and he missed her terribly. It was so sad for me to see.

I've shed many tears over the past 12 months and only have few regrets.

One...I wish I had saved her last happy birthday voice mail message that she left on July 14 2014. She sang me the birthday song that she sang every year. Without that song my birthday will NEVER be the same.

Two...I wish I had kept her favorite night gown. It had this big dog on the front and she always wore it. In my haste of donating her clothes, I gave that away too. I know good and well that the folks I donated it to probably threw it out. To them I'm sure it just looked old and worn. To me...it had meaning.

My Mom and I were not "best buds", but we were mother and daughter and loved each other as such. By her bedside I told her many times that I loved her, and she told me the same. So in that regard I can truly say that it is well with my soul.

I took today off (as I will probably do EVERY year), and spent some much needed time at "My Place of Peace". Listening to the waves and the wind...sticking my feet in the water and letting it come up to my calves. Picked some lovely shells, and communed with God, my Creator. Told him EVERYTHING that was on my heart. Not just about my Mom, but about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I sang to him, and thanked Him for all that He is to me. I can truly say that today was a good day.

Now I'm off to go buy some flowers and place them by my Mother's urn. I know that she's not there, but it just seems like the right thing to do on this day.

I love my Mom. I miss my Mom. And I know that I will see her again, in the presence of God whenever He chooses to call me home.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU went to the beach?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

MyFace

Five days from today will mark the 1 year "anniversary" of my Mom's passing. Anniversary really doesn't seem like the right word, but I imagine it will do for now.

So much has happened and changed in this past year.

In honor of my Mom's memory, I have decided to dedicate this month to her on Facebook, via my profile pics.

I've always changed my profile pic on the following days of each month: 1st, 8th, 15th, 22nd, 29th. Why? Because I get bored looking at the SAME thing ALL the time. So when it comes to my page, I like to "switch it up".

This month, every profile pic will be of my Mom. A couple will have ME in them too (like the current one). In two that I can think of, I am also in the pic, just not seen...unless you look at my Mom's big belly. That's where you'll spot me...just days from being born.

I've always been very particular about my profile pics, and I always make sure that I am in them. I don't do cartoon characters, or quotes, or images that are not MY face. I began that practice when a friend passed away and her profile pic was of her boyfriend. To this day, if you go to her page, there's HIS face.

If something ever happened to me, I'd want people to see MY face as the memory...not something random.

However, there IS an exception. That exception is my Mom. If by chance God calls me home THIS month while my Mom's face is my profile pic, I would be a-ok with that. Heck, I look just like her anyway...most folks wouldn't even know the difference.

Ironically, my Mom wanted nothing to do with social media when she was still living here on earth. I asked her once if she wanted a Facebook page and her response was, "I don't care about MyFace. I don't have any friends, nor anybody I would want to get back in touch with, so there's no point in having a page." Oh, I was so tickled when she called it "MyFace".

I wonder what she'd say if she knew that her face has finally made the pages of Facebook. She'd probably say, "Take my picture down. I don't want some weirdo to see it." Yep, that's probably what she'd say.

Well, that's about it. If you happen to be one of my Facebook friends, I hope you enjoy my profile pics this month...my "Month of Mom".

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What's the most unusual profile pic you've ever seen on Facebook?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Because I'm Worth It!

How is it that the time goes by so quickly between my blog posts, yet days at work move like molasses? Can someone please explain that to me?

Well...between my last post and this one I've made some changes. Changes to ME.

Anyone who's seen me lately has clearly noticed how much my weight has BALLOONED. I get it, and I don't get it.

No...I haven't been watching what I eat (like I should), and I haven't been physically active (like I shoould). Yet...I've never diligently watched what I've eaten, nor exercised regularly but since February, I have really packed on the pounds. Good golly Miss Molly!

Finally, I decided that enough is enough. I can not gain another pound...not ONE. And I can not KEEP all these pounds that I have.

So...

Last Monday I started back with logging my food on My Fitness Pal. Good, bad or otherwise...if it goes in my mouth, it goes onto My Fitness Pal. Knowing my body as well as I do though, I know that logging my food simply is not enough. Some folks can lose weight simply by changing what they eat. Not this chick. I've got to MOVE if I want the numbers on the scale to MOVE.

So in order to get myself motivated, I bought a FitBit. I know...they're pricey, but I figured that I was investing in ME...and I am certainly worth such an investment. So it was money well spent.

I got it on Thursday and I'm still learning my way around. The toughest struggle has been with accepting friend requests (for some reason the requests aren't coming through), and in sending friend requests. When I try to send it looks like I am inviting them to TRY FitBit. That's not what I want at all. They already KNOW about it. I just wanna be part of their "fitness network". I'm gonna keep playing around with it until I figure it out.

Good news though is that yesterday I earned my first "Sneakers Badge" for getting in 10,000 steps, and today I am on my way to doing the same. At this moment I am at 9,324 steps. Easy to do on a weekend when I am able to freely move about. Not so easy Monday through Friday when I'm locked in a cubicle. We'll see how it goes though because I am DETERMINED to get fit and get rid of this FAT.

I've visited way too many hospitals in the past year and I've seen a WHOLE LOTTA sick folks. I don't want to be one of them, so I've gotta do all I can to keep myself in tip-top shape. As it is right now, I am not on any medication, and don't want to be...EVER. The best way to make sure that happens is to take care of this body that God blessed me with.

How 'bout you?

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Do you have any fitness devices that help monitor your activity? If so, which one?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

The Little Things

My goodness! So much has happened in the past seven days.

The biggest and BEST thing is that "Joe" came back home after being in DC for four days. As I expected (and hoped), he had a GREAT time.

I think I mentioned in my last post that I recorded the entire event...partly to find out what it was all about, and mostly to spot Joe in the crowd. Well...with all those folks there, I couldn't find him. When we watched it together he IMMEDIATELY pointed out where he was...FOURTH ROW!

He said, "You couldn't find me because you expected to see me in the back. You should know that I was NOT gonna be in the back." He's right. Knowing him...I should've known.

He came back with lots of great pic, stories, and some keepsake items. All in all it was a good trip and I am sooo glad that he went. Even gladder that he's back.

Yesterday was a really good day for us. Not that everyday isn't, it's just that some days are sweeter than others. It's interesting because he's not the "romantic type" AT ALL, yet every now and then he says something that just knocks me off my feet.

Yesterday, he told me that he told God that he loves me.
Then, as he went to leave, he bid me adieu by saying, "I lovest thou." Silly, I know, but I love it when he says that.

And going back to Wednesday he said something that made me realize that my love for him only grows and never lessens. He told me that when he is with me his struggles don't feel like struggles. That may be the best thing he's EVER said.

He struggles a LOT and all that I can ever really do is "be there" to make the struggles a bit easier to bear. Apparently I'm doing that, and that makes my heart happy.

That's about it for now. I could write tons more when it comes to Joe, but for now I'm tired, and I have a whole LIFETIME to write about him...right?

Let the DIALOGUE begin: What was the best part of YOUR week?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Answer the Call!

So I'm still going through the eight hour recording of yesterday's march and after 2 hours and 30 minutes I've heard something that I wholeheartedly agree with. Attorney Benjamin Crump encouraged folks to STOP trying to get out of jury duty. I almost wanted to jump through my television when I heard that.

I've always been viewed as a bit of an "oddball" because I LOVE being called in for jury duty. And when I get selected to actually be ON the jury...that's an even greater joy for me.

You see...if we are to be judged by "a jury of our peers", yet none of our peers report for duty...where does that leave us?

I've only served on one case and on that case I learned SOOO MUCH about our judicial system. Things I never would've learned had I shucked my responsibility.

As a Black woman, I feel that it is my OBLIGATORY duty to serve because there was once a time when someone LIKE ME would not have been able to.

So when I get MY summons, I gladly call in to find out if I need to report. And when I do have to report...it's all good.

So to my Black brothers and sisters...YES...I am SPECIFICALLY talking to you...STOP trying to get out of jury duty. Stop it!!!

YOUR peers...MY peers...OUR peers...NEED YOU on that jury as if lives depend on it, because guess what...THEY DO!

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When was the last time YOU served on jury duty?

Talk to me!

Til next time...

Much Needed and Overdue

Yesterday marked the 20th anniversary of the Million Man March in Washington DC.

I'm not sure what the theme was 20 years ago but I know that yesterday's theme was "Justice or Else". We'll get to that in a bit.

I remember quite clearly the march that took place 20 years ago. At that time my girls were 6 and 3. Days before, if not THE day before, our little family of four spent a day at the park before "Daddy" hopped on the plane to DC. He was so excited to go with his buddies to stand up for "the cause".

On the night of the march I was listening to KJLH and "Levi" had people calling in to tell him what it meant to them. I called in, got through, and shared my feelings. I was glad to be a part of the march, even though remotely.

If memory serves me correctly, that march was specifically for MEN, as it was titled The "Million MAN March", and I think somewhere during the course of the event, the men pledged to honor family, and be positive contributors to society...or something along those lines.

Now we fast forward to 20 years later.

This time my remote participation came by way of "Joe". He's been there since Thursday and I am counting down the hours until he gets back tomorrow. Tick! Tock!!

I remember a few months back when he first heard about the event, he said, "I've gotta go. I don't know HOW I'm gonna get there, but I've gotta go. I missed the last one and I am NOT missing this one." To that, my response was, "You'll get there." For the past few weeks he's been attending committee meetings and has been greatly involved in the process. As I think I've mentioned before, he is pulled in a LOT of directions and I know that at times those have been a distraction for him...almost a deterrent. So I'd find myself having to "reel him back in" and assure him that whatever is here when he goes, will be here when he gets back. No matter what...he was going to DC. I was gonna see to it.

Wednesday night rolled around, I watched him pack (Man...I was SHOCKED by how much stuff he was able to fit into his carry-on...SHOCKED!), and as he zipped the last zipper, he sat back and said, "I can't go. There's too much for me to do here. I'm not going."

I think my neck may have swung a bit at that point and I very quickly, reminded him that he had a plane to catch at 7:25 the next morning and his arse was gonna be on it! Period!! Neither of us said much about it after that.

A few hours later I bid him adieu and headed home, leaving him with whatever decision he was going to make.

At 2:05am he sent a text...and my neck was finally able to stop swingin'. He was going.

He's been there since Thursday and every time we've talked I can just hear the smile and relaxation coming through the phone. Even more than needing to be a part of this event...he needed to GET AWAY from all that weighs him down here at home. Maybe I was a bit selfish in all of this, but my main concern was HIM, and his ability to take in some deep cleansing breaths...if only for a few days.

I told him today that the march was televised on CSPAN and that I recorded it. Told him that I kept trying to spot him but it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. He told me where he was positioned (which was a fairly prominent spot), so I'll fast-forward through all 8 hours of it and see if I can find him this time.

The difference between yesterday's march and the one from 20 years ago was that this one was far more diverse, culturally speaking. And women were present. BIG difference from last time.

I understand the JUSTICE part of the march, but I'm a bit unclear on the "OR ELSE" part. That's definitely something that Joe and I will have to talk about when he gets back, because all I keep thinking is, "Or else WHAT?"

I'm sure he'll school me on that quick, fast and in a hurry. He's good at that...spittin' knowledge and "stuff".

I didn't watch ALL eight hours yesterday, and in the small bits that I did watch, there was a lot said that I do NOT agree with. Hopefully as I sit down and watch more attentively, there will be more that I will find agreement with, than what I didn't.

That's about it. I find it a bit of a coinky-dink that two main men in my life have both attended the march, but...God makes no mistakes. I was where I was supposed to be and with who I was supposed to be with back then...and most certainly NOW.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: When you think of JUSTICE, what's the FIRST thing that comes to mind?

Talk to me!

Til next time!!!

Fed and FULL

This evening after my book club meeting I decided to swing by the nearby Soul Food spot and pick up some dinner.

What I ordered required a 15 minute wait which was fine with me because I always have a book handy to help pass the time.

So I take my seat and begin to read.

A few minutes in, one of the servers turns on some music. No biggie. I can read with music.

Soon thereafter, he starts singing.

Then I hear the lady sitting next to me who's also singing. She was pretty good...and so was he.

Well...he got louder, and the louder he got...the BETTER he got. This dude's singing was OFF DA CHAIN!

I was entranced. I closed my book and just watched him and listened.

Next thing I know, the lady sitting next to me has turned her chair around and asked me, "Who is that? Where's that singing coming from?"

I told her that it was the tall, dark, older gentleman behind the counter. She too agreed that his voice was amazing.

Now I don't know if it was because I'm missing "Joe" while he's out of town (which I'll write about in a later post), but I'll be dag-gone if this dude didn't remind me of him. There was something about the heart and soul that he put into the song...something SPECIAL that he added that made the song his own...just like Joe does. It was like I was listening to Joe 20 years from now. I could have listened to this man ALL NIGHT.

As I continued to wait for my food, the lady told me that she'd heard him singing there before but that she doesn't come too often because she lives in Cerritos. I then told her that I'm also not there often because I live near Cerritos (which is no where near the restaraunt we were at).

I then told her that I tend to stop by after my book club meeting and she soon began asking me about the club. Apparently her daughter has been looking for a book club with predominantly African American women and I told the woman that that is exactly what my club is.

What she said next almost made me cry. She said, "I'm gonna tell my daughter about the book club because if YOU'RE in it, then it's where she needs to be. You have AMAZING energy." That was such a compliment to me. I don't know what it is...perhaps it's the "Jesus in me"...I don't really know. What I do know is that there IS something special in me and people just FEEL it when they're around me. I don't say this to toot my own horn...I've just gotten to a point where I accept and acknowledge whatever this is, and if it makes people want to be around me...or know that I'm someone GOOD to be around...then I'll take it...gladly.

She and I talked some more and next thing I knew, we were exchanging numbers. I know...I know...I don't know her from "Eve" but something about it just felt okay.

She wanted my info so that she could give it to her daughter. Sure, she could have just given her daughter the book club info, but before I knew it, she had my number and sent me a text with her info. Something about her just made me so comfortable.

I'm still waiting for my food, and we start talking about books and authors. She tells me about one that I had JUST heard of earlier today. She told me how FANTASTIC this author's books are and that I really need to check out her work.

Next, she tells me about the book club that she's been in for 30 years. She said that the club isn't perfect, but she's been in it so long...she just decided to stick with. Then, she said something that actually did make me tear up a bit. She told me her age. She's 64.

That's the same age that my Mom would have been if she were still here. 64

And at that moment, that whole encounter made sense to me. God was giving me a little bit of what I needed to make me feel better about the ones I'd been missing.

He gave me Teddy (that's the singing server's name)...to remind me of Joe, and make me smile.

And he gave me Katarina (even if just for those few minutes) to remind me of my Mom, and in an odd way...what a Mother's love feels like. The way that I opened up to her just felt so "natural". Now I think I understand why. God just wanted me to feel that motherly connection, even if it was with a complete stranger.

Who knows. Some folks may call me crazy. But in that brief visit to the Soul Food joint, much more than my body got nourished. My soul was fed...and got FULL.

Let the DIALOGUE begin: Have you ever encountered a stranger who unexpectedly filled a void?

Talk to me!

Til next time...